My True Happiness

before i let you go

2009-06-24T16:21:00.001-07:00

So, What happened last night shook me up! i felt happy and at the same time sad, more sad than ever.. so what's going to happen now? im happy to know that he does love me still but at the same time what am i going to do with that? im leaving soon and plus he does have a girlfriend. haaayyy! ewan ko na lalong ang gulo. maybe i should just leave everything as it is for now, ill let him sleep on it and maybe then we'll be able to figure out something...

So Sunday morning, i had a hearty breakfast with the family, my parents decided that they are going to spend the weekend over at our province to take care of some paperwork so my sister and I have the house to ourselves. at last, peace!!! Much needed one. i was planning out my day when my cell phone went off...

"trix!" it was ange on the other line. "punta kami diyan mamya ah...since lapit ka na din namang umalis might as well spend as much time as possible di ba? diyan na din kami matutulog, we'll be there in an hour or so." she said.

"ok, gie no prob. i'll see you guys when you get here, tamang tama solo ko bahay, wala sila mommy eh, uuwi sa batangas may mga aasikasuhin daw."

"ok gie ill see you then!"

so i cleaned the house and prepared lunch for the crew, told my mom that my friends are coming over for the weekend. They were cool about it because they like my friends anyway. FYI: almost

half of the day havent heard anything from mike yet...*Sigh* oh well, dadating naman ang mga friends ko so i guess, ill just concetrate on them and tell them what the heck just happened last night. As soon as my folks were out the door, i immediately flopped down the couch and again my thoughts went back to the conversation last night, that was something that i wasnt expecting. i wasnt even nearly prepared for it. ano ba to??? wala na ba kong gagawin sa buhay kungdi tumanganga at magisip??? this is really getting ridiculous!!! isip ako ng isip eh iniisip ba naman ako? darn it!!!

So my friends came and we had lunch, It was Angie, Carol, ninya and Tere that came and told them what happened, sa lunch table:

"so ano na ngayon ang gagawin ko?" i asked them, after telling them of the conversation.

"eh ano bang magagawa mo, eh aalis ka din naman, isa pa may girlfriend din yung tao." ange said with her mouth half full of food.

"chaka what good will it do for you guys kung magkabalikan man kayo? baka masaktan ka lang." carol, one of my good friends mentioned as well."

"pero, wala naman din kasi binanggit si mike na nakikipagbalikan siya di ba? so why think so much about it?" ange said.

"ewan ko ba, basta parang naguluhan lang lalo ako nung sinabi niya yun sa kin." i said as i was staring at my plate and playing with my leftovers.

"lam mo trix wag ka makinig sa mga bitter na to, whatever you feel like you have to go with your instincts ika ka nila, konting panahon ka nalang dito, then be happy and just go with it."tere said as she reached for the kanin.

si ninya naman may ibang opinion din: "lam mo trix, ang feeling ko diyan kay mike, may feelings yan sa yo, sad to say yung gf niya ngayon, i think he just used her to get over you.. sorry ah im just beinbg truthful or else bakit pa niya yun sasabihin sa yo di ba? at kung talaga ngang masaya na siya sa gf niya bakit nakuha ka pa din niyang tawagan?'

"korak" tere exclaimed giving ninya a high five

and so the debate and the bantering went on and on on how this issue should be handled, it funny to watch and hear their thoughts, parang yung mga iniisip ko lang nasasabi nila out loud, kaya mas masaya lang na nakikinig ka lang.

carol asked, "trix, simba tayo tonight and then maybe we could swing by errols place." she asked me this because they played pool one time and they kinda of hung out.

"sige punta tayo sa kanila after church pero uwi na din tayo after ah?" i answered.

"teka trix, di ba lapit lang yung bahay nila mike dun kila errol?" angie asked.

I cant believe that she can remember this and the answer:

"oo magkatabi lang din sila ng bahay." i answered quite nervously.

"eh baka naman magkita pa kayo ni mike niyan ah." carol interjected.

"malabo na yun, weekend ngayon eh baka nasa gf niya yun for sure." i said sadly, with a hint of hope to see him tonight. I haven't seen him in months now. I stood up and walked in the living room and went straight to the mirror and started thinking while looking at myself."tagal na din naming hindi nagkikita. ang laki na ng binago ng ichura ko, haba na buhok ko, will he like it? kung makita niya? nasa bahay kaya siya mamya?"

"HUY!" angie jumped from behind me, interrupting my thoughts. "iniisip mo si mike noh?"

"wag ka na maingay jan gie, baka madinig ka nila carol maigi na yung ako nalang din or tayo nalang din ang may alam. ewan ko gie hindi ko din ma sabi yung pakiramdam ko ngayon eh, parang excited ako na hindi, na takot na at the same time asa pa, na kinikilig na parang highschool ulit... ang labo.. pero di ba asa pa naman ako dun?"

"naku trix, ithink you still love him... ay, wait, no i dont think pala i know!.." she said.

and so we went to church, ang haba ng mass, with the sermon and all parang hindi na matatapos, pero parang ang sama ko na din kasi parang i want it to be done ASAP! parang hindi na din ako maka antay. and then when the mass was finally over...

"o san na tayo? tara na kila errol?" carol asked.

"sige kayo, ako naman eh passenger lang." i said quietly taking the back seat. i navigate our way to errol's house. pag dating namin dun, we all came out of the car and knocked on his gate. good thing he came out at once.

"oh trix? balita?" he asked surprised.

"eh eto sila carol gusto ka daw dalawin eh, so i took them out here., ok lang ba? baka kasi naabala ka naman namin." i asked.

"ano ka ba? hindi noh, ive been bored anyway, tara dun tayo sa kubo he said, pointing to the small nipa hut "tamabayan" on the vacant lot infront of their house.

everybody went walking that way, and then ayun na walang humpay na kwentuhan at kamustahan on how everythis is. I, pn the other hand was just quiet, just staring into space. naiisip ko " wala nga siguro si mike." and then:

"trix, gusto mo tignan ko kung andyan si mike?" errol asked me.

"ummm, wag na rol, baka kasi wala din siya diyan eh, tas baka tulog na din may pasok pa naman din bukas. ok lang." i answered. well i guess my face is saying the opposite thing, because he starred walkin towards mike's house.

"mike?! mike?! tita andyan po ba si mike?" he asked mike's mom as she peered out the gate."

and then everything was just muffled sounds i cant understand and i cant even hear what they were saying because my heart "Boom boom boom!" my heart was way louder that the music that was playing from carol's car that was parked infront of us. sobrang kabado ako, i swear i think my friends can hear my heart beating 100 miles a minute. and then Errol came back.

"o andyan na daw, bibihis lang daw and then lalabas na daw siya."

for the first time i was speechless, i was just speechless! wala akong masabi, parng mas mabilis mag isip yung utak ko kesa sa buka ng bibig ko! i was still trying to find words when i suddenly saw him walking our way, i cant even describe you how elated and how happy i was nung nakita ko siyang naglalakad towards where we at... again.. tulala nanaman ako..

"hi trix. kamusta? he said softly.

i was just staring as in titig ah.. not unti angie nudged me from behind. "trix kamusta daw!"

'hi ok lang ikaw?" i said meekly.

"trix? can we talk?" he asked offering his hand.

I took it, and dang was my hands shaking not to mention cold and clammy. we alked slwoly away from our crowd and settled in a corner of this street. with the lights low.

he held my hand tightly and i held his, like it really belonged together. "ganun pa din kamay mo pawis when youre nervous."

"yeah i know, good to see you, you know. its been awhile na din." i said.

"same here, ang haba na din ng buhok mo ah.. it suits you, just keep it like that.

then awkward moment ulit... then we started talking again, parang yung dati, about school, friends, kung ano na pinagkaka abalahan namin and so on.. and then we started talking about me leaving.

"aalis ka na noh? kelan?" he asked his facial expression changed from being happty to sad.

"soon. wala pa ding definite date e, basta sabi ni mommy ASAP daw, as soon as makahanap siya ng place where we can stay then we can leave. mike, im so sorry for the things that i've done. hindi ko sinasadya, laht ng mga sinabi ko hindi ko din yun lahat mine mean. im so sorry..." with this i just started crying to him. I talked on and on and cried telling him how much im going to miss him and telling him that i hope that he's happy now. hindi siya nagsalita, he just listened, held me close and never said anything back. He neednt be. when i was finally able to settle down. i looked at him again. this time he was the one who was teary eyed and he said:

"ako din sorry din sa mga nagawa at nasabi ko sa yo. HIndi ko alam na ganun ka na din pala nahihirapan eh, iw as too selfish to admit na may mga mali din on my part. and now it seems its too late for me to tell you na dont go... baka kasi hindi ko makaya, kapag nawala ka na." he said this time there really were tears coming down his cheeks.

"please dont leave me. I love you trix!" he finally said. then he kissed me lightly on my lips. hindi ko na din matandaan what we talked about after that, all i can remember was the sadness and the hurt that both loomed over us, ang daming laman ng isip ko nun, questions that has no definite answers, it was so sad to know that im leaving things like this.

when we got back to the "kubo" they all stopped and looked at us. no one dared asked a question. they knew what went on. but we have to go home one way or the other right? with this we quietly said our goodnights and headed home unsure of what's to come...

Paano na?

2009-06-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

I decided to come home to cavite for the weekend, after all i deserve it! plus, the play that i directed was done and over with so i guess i deserve a break. it was one of my much awaited drive home anyway.. as usual the commute was long and tiring but just thinking of home makes it worthwhile.

My folks were in the living room when i got home, it seems like they were in a serious conversation when i walked in. i felt like i was intruding...
"nak, upo ka may paguusapan tayo." my mom said pointing at the couch where i should sit.
"ummm, ok" i said giving them pecks on their cheeks before settling down on the couch.
"napagusapan kasi namin ng daddy mo na since malayo si kuya mo and magisa lang siya sa states...na lumipat na din tayo lahat dun, as soon as possible." she exhaled after saying all this. wait, am i hearing it right? aalis na kami papuntang amerika? not to visit but to actually live there? seems like a good idea, since ayoko na din naman ng atmosphere dito and pretty much everyone has gone their own way, siguro its time na din for me to get away from it all. Wala na din naman si mike he moved on, baka mas makakabuti to sa kin.. sa min...
" ano nak, ano sa palagay mo?" mom ask interrupting my thoughts.
"final na ba yan ma? as in decided na din kayo na lilipat na tayo? san tayo titira and anong work niyo dun?magsisimula tayo ulit?" i asked.
"oo decided na din kami ng mommy mo, hahanap tayo ng matitirahan dun, magsisimula tayo lahat ulit, your mom found a good job there na kasama ang family. so this is going to be a very good opportunity for all of us, plus makakasama na din natin ang kuya mo." my dad said.
"ok dad, states it is." i answered. "but what about school?i just started the semester, sayang naman."
"your mom and i will discuss that, as of now ang final lang is that were all moving ok?" my dad said.
"o sige na nak, magbihis at magpahinga ka na tas kakain na din tayo maya maya." she said.

I went to my room and my sister was sitting on her bed.
"ano, nasabi na sa yo ni mommy?" she asked.
"oo nasabi niya na kanina pag pasok ko."
"so what do you think?"
"ok lang sa kin tutal naman nakakatamad na din dito sa pinas eh, mas magandang change na din siguro dun chaka may kasama na din si kuya di ba?" i said
"sabagay, ok na din sa kin."
"teka bihis lang din ako kakain na din daw tayo, labas ako maya after dinner sabihin ko pala sa barkada na aalis tayo ASAP." i said.
"ay 'te paano si richard? nasabi mo na ba sa kanya?" she asked me.
"hindi pa, pero i know na walang reaksyon yun, may gf na yun eh..." i said. this kind of struck me, paano na nga kaya siya, will he get affected? i really have to get out of the house to go see my friends and tell them what just happend.

"so final na daw ba yan? sabi ng mommy mo?" asked bing in disbelief. we are now by her house hanging out with a bunch of our friends that still couldnt believe that i had to leave so soon, so fast.
"oo daw eh. parang ang bilis nga lang din ng decision nila mommy, pati sa school hindi pa din sure kung matatapos namin tong sem na to." i said.
"wow! napakabilis nga..." bing exclaimed.
"so trix, paano na pinsan ko? does he know that youre leaving?" errol, mike's cousin asked.
"hindi ko lam rol, would just let him know then? can you tell h im also that im so sorry for everything?" with this i got teary eyed all of a sudden. "tell him na binabawi ko lahat ng sinabi ko sa kanya, that i regret all those bad things that i did to him, im happy na din na he found someone to love, and can you give him this as well." i said unclasping the bracelet that i have on my arm, he gave this to me from a long time ago "sabi niya kasi hiram lang eh, so now that im leaving, i know that he would want it back."
"bakit hindi ikaw magbigay?" he asked.
"hindi na, just give it to him and tell him im so sorry for everything." with this i turned my back to him and started crying. it got worse than that i really cried and he just stood there watching me and felt bad for me. sobrang lalo akong nalungkot that im leaving some wonderful people behind.

When i got home that night, as soon as hit the bed, my bedside phone rang it was errol:
"trix, nabigay na yung bracelet mo, and told him na aalis ka na soon."
"anong sabi niya?"
"kinuha lang niya yung bracelet tas sabi lang niya good for you daw, tas yun na yun, umalis na din ako after." there was a long pause.
"ah ganun ba? wala na ding sinabing iba?.. sige rol, thanks ha, pahinga na din ako. it has been a long night." i said
"ay trix, nung sinabi ko kasi yun andun si sheena sa tabi niya, so hindi din kasi ako sure nun kung yun talaga reaksyon niya. pero sige pahinga ka na, bukas nalang ulit. night" and we both hung up after that.

It was almost 2 am when i decided to actually get some sleep, hindi ako makatulog eh, ang dami kong iniisip, parang ang daming laman ng utako, it has been an hour since i hung up with errol and i was just staring at my ceiling when i decided to quit and get some much needed sleep. when..

RRRiiinnnnnggggg..... mhan, too late for phone but i picked it up anyway, i dont want to wake my parents up.
"hello?" i said silently.
"hi" it said on the other line, it was that oh so familiar voice..*kilig*
"hi mike!" parang ang late na ata para tumawag ka ah, what's up?" i asked
"i heard from errol, aalis ka daw, is that true?"
hindi pa man ako nakakasagot i started crying but tried for him not to hear it. "oo eh, tutal naman i guess its about time, i have nothing left and plus sabi ni ma, mas maganda na daw na magsisimula kami ng maayos dun." i was still crying when i was saying this but i was trying to brave it out, if theres such a word.
"hindi ka na din papa pigil?"
"bakit pa? everything's all set."
"kelan ang alis niyo?"
"Soon. hindi ko pa din alam kung kelan eh, wala pang definite date. mike, i just wanna say that iam so sorry for everything, sa pagiging selfish ko, im so sorry for that, sa lahat ng mga sinabi kong masasakit, sa mga ginawa ko. no one deserves that. sorry talaga, and i hope na happy ka na din with her. she's very lucky to have you." and with this it did became obvious that i was crying.
"wala na yun trix, tapos na yun eh, sorry din for everything. is there anyway i can make you stay?"he asked sounding as if he was choking back tears as well.
"wala na mike eh, arrangements have been made, its just a matter of time nalang din." i said. "mike, you know i love you no matter what di ba?" i wish i could honestly say that im happy for you pero nakakalungkot ako, i wish it were me, yun lang." i said between tears.
"trix, you know i always have loved you, hindi na yun magbabago."he said...

Worth fighting for

2009-06-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

After a few weeks, i tried to get over of what i saw. siympre hindi madali yun and there are times na i would text mike, i know it was too pathetic but come to think of it when he was in my place. he was miserable too, ginawa niya din ang lahat to get me back, he literally begged me, but i was too arrogant and too stubborn to take him back. So I guess he got tired of it and decided to move on... so why cant i? eh ako naman ang humingi nito? is it pride? ego? hindi eh, alam ko kung anong feeling to.. i still love him, is it too late? i think it is... pero hindi, ill fight for it like what he did to fight for me. for us...

A beep on my cellphone pulled me from my thoughts...
"hi, kmusta trix, mike hs bin telling me ol bout u.. im sheena by d way, gamit ko ksi cel niya today eh. so hw r u?" it read.
WTF!!!!ano to? i thought at first it was mike, then as i was scrolling down the text hindi naman pala.. ano nanaman to, why the heck are they doing this? more torture? why is she trying to befriend me? ayos to ah..but i thought, sige na nga two can play this game.
"hi. im ok. nice miting u." i replied.
"nga pala mike mentioned dat u lyk fristyle band dw, deyr playing d2 s campus sa wikend, pnta k. bring a date wid u f u lyk." she texted back.
"ah rily.cge il c wat i cn do. tnx!" i replied.
"cge n, wat r sisters for?"
ANO DAW??? sisters daw? since when naging maging sisters ang magkaribal... mahn this is too damn much! does mike know that this is going on? sobra na atang torture to ah... after that i didnt reply back. parang lokohan lang kasi i dont even call my closest friends "sisters" and here she is proclaiming herself... AS IF!!! so after that i went to angie's place nalang to hang out. most of my friends were there, so ayun dun nalang din muna kami, i told them what happened and ange was fuming mad! as in mad!
"what the hell was mike thinking??? bakit niya hinayaan na mag text text yung babae niya sa yo?" she asked me, with her eyes getting bigger as if they were going to come out of their sockets.
"ewan! pero nice naman yung girl eh, shes even trying to invite me sa concert ng freestyle, punta tyo gie!" i answered.
"Cristina! nahihibang ka na talaga?! cant you see theyre both playing you kung hanggang san ka sasakay, ikaw naman sakay na sakay ka...mag isip isip ka naman, have some balls to stand for yourself kinaka wawa ka na nakatanga ka pa din."now she's sounding upset.
"lets just let them be, yaan mo nalang natin, yoko din naman ng gulo." i said as i stood up and went to the kitchen to go get merienda, that issue got me hungry. i prepared some sandwhiches for the crew and went back to the living room. When i did, something was not right. all of them were looking at me, smiling and one of my friends commented,
"ayan trix, ange took care of it, ikaw eh iniwan mo cell mo dito eh..." she said.
"what do you mean?" i asked as i grabbed my cell and checked on the "sent" box. it read.
"hoy mike! si ange to, sabihin m nmn s mgling mong gf n 2migil s kktxt ky trix, thimik n un tao s let her be.pwede pgsbhan mo!!!."
OMG!!! "ANGEEE!!! tinext mo to?" i said holding up my cell on her face.
"Oh bakit naman hindi? kung hindi mo kaya gawin, ill do it for you." she answered and snickered. then the phone beeped again. it read:
"ange, mike to. srry hndi k lm dat she ws txting trix,sensya n, i will tel her."
"nakita mo na? ni hindi pala alam ni mike! i know mike wouldnt do that to me." i said relieved and at the same time felt that pain again, like stab in the heart pain, the yearning pain... basta hirap i describe eh.

Gabi na din kami natapos kila ange, so on my way home siympre yun pa din ang laman ng utak ko.. but oh well, kaya ayokong mag isa eh, kasi i would end up being sad again... so i got to my room humiga and then started thinking again, umiiyak nanamn ako.. pathetic mode nanaman ako... toot toot! my phone beeped.
"hi trx mike to, srry bout d txt ha. u ok?"
let me tell you this when i saw this text yung iyak ko lalong mas grabe, lalong bumaha sa room ko ng luha... God how i wanted to just call him and tell him "please take me back, im so sorry for everything..." but im not in a perfect world and hindi din naman ako pinanganak na wrecker, so as much as i wanted to be with him, i have to stop myself from doing this.
"hi mike, its ok, im ok and tnx! ingat k lagi!" i replied. this is when i started praying for my pain to just go away, sabi ko baka happy na din siya with his life and i guess i have to let go and move on.. as much as this is worth fighting for.. hindi nalang. its hard to fight over something when you know that you've lost already. masakit sobra, but i guess i needed that to be able to move on. para matanggap ko...one thing for sure this is going to be a very sad journey for me...

When morning comes...

2009-06-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

And so I woke up the following day, more depressed than ever, i sat on my bed thinking... "talagang wala na yata 'to, pro bakit ganto pakiramdam ko? im the one who wanted this di ba? then how come i have all these regrets?" I have to drag my whole body to get out of bed and go to class, after all i have a big day today. I have all this projects that i have to take care of, my mind's trying to stay focus on today's tasks. As i was in the shower thinking of things that i still have to take care of, tears were already rolling down my cheeks, until i just started crying.. i let it all out... wala namang makakadinig sa kin eh so ok lang... the shower pretty much drowned my muffled cries.

"oh trix ano naman nangyri sa mata mo? sama ba gising?" angie asked me as i walked in the auditorium door.
"napuyat lang kagabi, hindi ako makatulog eh." i lied. she then looked at me like she heard what i was thinking.
"liar! si mike yan noh? what happened?" she asked. that's what i love about her, she could read me like the palm of her hands. after she asked me that i pulled her to the side to avoid people staring and poured my heart out. Again, iyak to death nanaman ako nun, it felt like i was desperately in need of someone to let it out to. Good thing that i dont have to talk as much kasi i know that no matter what, i know that of all the people, ange is the one who can and will understand what is going on.

"so anong plano mong gawin ngayon." she asked with a sigh after listening to my so called crisis. "hindi ko din alam eh, i guess i just want to see him, talk to him perhaps, puntahan kaya natin sa school? what do you think?" i asked.
"huwwwaaattt??? nasisiraan ka na ba talaga? ganyan ka na ba talaga ka desperate?" she asked, her voice getting a little louder.
"ssshhhh, wag namang maingay." i told her. "sorry pero yun lang din kasi yung alam kong gawin for now eh. please naman gie oh.. samahan mo lang ako, then after that promise ko i'll stop when i find out kung talagang masaya na nga siya.. please..." i begged.
"ok ok fine! naku cristina, basta just this one time ok? after this we're done." she agreed.
"sige let's go after we get out today." i told her as i walked away before she could change her mind.

The day went out fast. but for me it was as slow as a turtle. I just cant wait to see him, talk things out with him. God i miss him! And so we commuted to his school. and then she asked:
"teka what does his sched look like?"
"ummm ewan ko din eh, but i know he should still be in here baka palabas na din yun." i said quite nervous thinking na baka nakauwi na yun.
"you mean to tell me trix, that you dont have the faintest idea what time he gets out of class?" she asked.
"sorry gie, hindi ko naisip yun eh, andito pa yun for sure, its still too early for him anyway." i said.
So as we were arguing we did not even notice that he was walking out of the campus.
"Shet! Trix yan na ang prince charming mo!!!" she exclaimed pointing to where he was coming from. We were quite far though.
As i was trying to ready myself in approaching him i didnt notice that he was with someone. he was holding hands with someone. This, i did not notice for i was so fixated looking at him, missing him...
"Shet gie, may kasama, theyre heading this way.. hide!!!" we dashed and hid behind a rundown jeep. and as we did, ange kept on talking and mumbling words that even i cant decipher anymore, i was just so focused on the fact that he was so near yet so far and... with someone else. I was so focused on staring at his face, God I really do miss him! He looked happy and carefree, that he didnt even notice that we were in fact a few feet away from him. after they were gone...
"O, ayan ah, napagbigyan na kita,siguro naman you'll stop this nonsense di ba?"ange said.
"tara uwi na tayo." i said.
As we commuted our way back to our place, i was completely blank and numb. sounds dumb and pathetic but it did felt like my whole world came crashing down, pinipigil ko lang umiyak kasi nakakahiya sa mga tao, but as soon as we got to my place and ange laid he hand on my shoulder, ayun na, dire direcho na iyak ko nun, ange and I need not to exchange words, hindi na din namin kelangan yun.. alam na namin eh, hindi ko lang din matanggap na that was it. And worse... i cant accept it....

Single....

2009-06-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

First day of school is always been excited for me, eto nanaman ako on my junior year and so much excited to be back to see my friends.. I already have a long list of things to do and places to go this semester, lalo na ngayon single nanaman ako! yahooo! I just cant quit on thinking billiard nights, getting drunk nights and parties that are endless! all of which my parents and my lola (where i live) have no idea or whatsoever of what is going on with my social life when im in school...

"Angeeee!!!" I screamed across the hallway of our building calling on to my closest friend at school. We were both ecstatic to see each other, we have the same classes yet again. We are inseperable... again! " Trix!!!! oh how was your break?" she asked with so much enthusiam and interest. " ayun same ole, went to the stated to see kuya for three weeks, lam mo na little R&R chaka malayo na din kay you-know-who." i said. "sus talaga ba namang over na yan?" she asked. " oo naman, eh may bago na nga daw gf eh, from what i heard ah." i answered knowingly. and so we changed the subject and continued on with our conversation on how our break went.

For weeks of school i did nothing but party, play pool, get drunk and go to different clubs, 'twas so fun... I always would come home to my lola's house wee hours in the morning with my friends in tow so they could crash for a few hours before heading home.Good thing my lola was so used to the idea of raising 3 boys ( my dad and 2 uncles) that she was used to people coming home butt crack of dawn, minsan i would even lie about the time..(sorry lola!). She would wake up when were trying to tip toe going up to my room and asked what the time is and i would tell her, "aga pa la, 12am pa lang."i would say, even if it was almost 4am, then she would go back to sleep. This went on for months. I dont even know how i survived my classes, let alone yung gastos of going out. Until, just that one day after coming home from a party that i felt sad and so alone...so weird that i almost felt like crying... I mean I have friends that i can call, kaya lang for the first time since our break up i missed him so... i started asking myself "is this all there is? I gave him up for this partyin sh**t?"parang it doesnt make sense, now that im tired of it.

So I woke the follwing day, feeling that i have to revamp my lifestyle, sabi ko i think i've had enough of this. I need to focus more sa school ko and my life, when i realized this, i think i also made a huge realization, tama si mike... he was guiding me, ako lang ang matigas ang ulo, i thought i know better, but now that i've had enough i have nothing but regrets!!! The more that i wanted to changed the more it got lonelier for me... parang kulang na. I missed him so and I cant do anything about it... naisip ko, tahimik na din siya eh, and from what ive been hearing from his friends and from my friends back home, he looked like he's happy and contented na din... which made me realize what i've lost... I so wanted to be with him, call him, say hi to him and most importantly to apologized for all the bad things i've said, that i shouldnt have. ang laki ng pagkakamali ko sa kanya... ang dami ko ding pagkukulang inspite of everything that he did for me. I realized that everything was too late for me... for us!

I busied myself with school and with activities to keep me preoccupied, kahit na deep inside para kong nauupos na candila, parang hindi matapos yung pain. I know my friends can actually see and feel that but they try not to talk to me about it, parang hinayaan lang din nila na mag wallow ako sa sadness, they thought it was just a phase for me. Until one day....

"Ok, so for the english week, Miss Bautista will be directing the play for the class to be presented in two weeks, can you handle such activity Miss Bautista?"my english instructor asked. I was surprised and at the same time dumbfounded that i was given such opportunity. All I can hear are whoot and cheer of my classmates and i just went "yes ma'am, i will do my best." i answered with such nervousness in my voice. And so i went to work right away, as a director of the play, i chose the strongest staff i could get from the class, it was hella work but it was well worth it. It was a good therapy as well coz literally i was so tired that i'd go straight to bed when i get home and then wake up really early to do same thing again. I loved it, being tired all day and never stopping, there never was a stopping point for me. My staff was getting tired of me too, i was coined "the slave driver" coz i would make them work until wee hours in the morning. sadness still ate me all the time towards the end of the day. Then one day, i actually mis text mike thinking it was my staff. i remember vividly what was said on the exchange. "marg, please dont forget to show me the costings tom morning when we meet ok? thanks for hepl and good job today." i hit send and out it went, a little after a minute there was a beep on my phone,. thinking naku may nalimutan nanaman si marg... i was so surprised when i opened my inbox and there it was , it came from mike... sobrang gulat ko, i thought my heart was going to jum out of my throat, parang nanginginig pa yung hands ko when i was about to open my inbox. it read, "hu u?" and then my heart just fell... binura niya na pala ko sa list niya.. i guess i deserve that.. but it hurt so bad that i really got so emotional over it. the tears that i have been fighting off for the longest time started to come out. This is when i realized that i love him still.. i love him so... selfish of me to think or to even feel na i need him back, but one way or the other i have to find a way to talk to him again. i texted back; "sorry wrong sent, trix to, im sorry.." sent. never got a reply back after that... I turned off my lamp and drifted off to sleep holding my cell in my hand hoping that he would at least acknowledge me...never happend....

And I'm back...

2009-06-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

"whew! grabe naman talaga ang init dito sa pinas..." i exclamied to my sister when we were boarding off the plane. We had a 3 week vacay with my older brother in the states. It was worth it! refreshing and at the same time relaxing on my part. Away from all the "chismis." we made some good friends too, which makes me miss them more as i boarded off the plane. My sister and i promised them that we'll come back and spend more time with them over the summer.

As we were approaching customs and walking this long hallway...memories cam flooding back in of what happend before my semestral break, and now am wondering how everything is. "is he ok now?" "has he recovered from it all?" I thought. "Huy ate, ikaw na." my sister said nudging me from behind." so we checked out of customs ok and walked o way to the "balikbayan area." it was exciting to be back home, familiar smell, familiar surroundings and of course the feeling of being totally home!" My folks picked us up, gave each other hugs and kisses and our kamustahans on how everyone is, how kuya is, and everyone else.

"grabe I missed my bed!" i said as i was on the phone with my best bud Bing. "grabe its been awhile din ah, 3 weeks is a long vacation." she said. so we exchanged our stories on what went on over the break, obviously trying to dodge and avoid the inevitable conversation about "you know who." but i cant help but asked. " so kamusta si mike?" i asked quietly. there was a long pause and an awkward silence. "ok naman siya, hindi din namin masyado nakikita eh, he's been quite busy with their business and balita ko may bagong gf na din." she said nonchalantly. " Ah talaga?!" i said in disbelief but tried to hide my surprise and tried sounding calm. "good for him." i added. Bing didnt seem to notice the regret in my voice. " oo nga eh at least di ba, wala na sa yo ang attention, good luck nalang sa girl." and we both laughed at the idea. "so gaano na daw sila katagal? parang ang bilis naman ata?" i asked. " na meet ata ni mike from his class eh, tas yun hanggang sa they started going out and i think nadala niya pa yung girl sa Baguio with his family, o di ba close na agad sa family niya?" she said with a little intrigue in her voice. " oh di mas ok nga sa kanila kasi nga at least tanggap ng family niya di ba?" so anyway to cut the story short, we just changed the subject and started talking about some other stuff.

There were so much things to do and that kept my mind off of mike. I have to register for classes, go get books, get my supplies ready. I feel like i have so little time left to get ready for the semester, but i was able to nail it in the nick of time. Whew! I have at least a weekend before school starts again, and plus i have to get over my jet lag. Dang! there were so many things running thru my mind, theyre running so fast too and i dont know which one to take care of first! itutulog ko nalang din muna and i think i deserve a rest na din , maybe thats what i need to take my mind off things....

or so i thought...

2009-04-13T15:10:00.000-07:00

So the rest of the semester was a blur for me… fun but it went in a blur. I partied left and right, went out with my friends, went to places here and there.. I finally felt free.. and I was thinking
“ so this how it feels like to be on your own!!! Ahhhh.. the taste of freedom, its so intoxicating!”

I even come to class drunk one time… not totally drunk but “tipsy” it was all fun for me… as the semester was winding down I started to feel empty, I started to feel and asked myself,

“is there all there is to it? is there anything else that I need to get my hands on and try?” parang may kulang ata.”
This is when I phoned a friend from home, si bhing.

“hi bhing kamusta?” I asked rather hesistantly. I mean I haven’t spoken to her ever since I went my partying ways.

“Aba, nabuhay ka! Ok naman ako ganun pa din naman, busy sa school. Ikaw?” sounding surprised. I can even picture her face, looking like she has a huge question mark on her forehead.

“Ok lang din, eto busy din sa orgs, chaka sa kung anu ano pa…bhing, pasensya ka na ha, kung lately I’ve been out of it, na overwhelm lang din siguro ko sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko dito sa Manila. Parang for the first time lang I felt free from everything.” I hope you understand.” I said apologetically.

“don’t worry ok lang naman eh, lam ko naman na may mga mangyayaring changes but its all in the past na, so I guess we just need to move on and forget it.” she said quite pleased.
“may tanong lang din ako, have you heard anything from Mike? I mean how is he? Is he ok na?” I asked with that strong concern in my voice that I couldn’t masked.

“si mike, I guess he’s coping but you know what I felt so sorry for him, last time that we talked, we talked for hours on end, hanggang medaling araw trix, he cant get over the fact that you just finished your relationship like that, ang hirap para sa kanya eh.” She said with much unhappiness in her voice.

Then she went on, on how she and him were talking about on how sad he is and how he got depressed and started stopping to go to his classes. I felt so bad for him and started realizing how dumb I am for giving up someone who was willing to give up so much for me, for our relationship. I wanted to call him and ask him myself but I was too chickened out to do so, I felt that it wasn’t time yet. Siguro I’ll call him after the semestral break nalang, by then everything would’ve cleared out na siguro. Baka pareho na din naming kelangan ng time to be at least apart. I mean we already are, pero baka ito na yung time na para naman sa kanya.

“ ok bhing, sige thanks a lot for looking after him ha. Finals ko na this Friday then sem break na.. uwi na din ako this Friday, baka naman by then I’ll be able to clear my head.”

“clear your head? For what? Hayaan mo nalang din muna siya trix. Baka kelangan niya din ng time eh.”

With that we both said our “byes” and planned on seeing each other during the break.

The week went by pretty fast, finals finally was done and I was home free!!

“mom??? I home! San ka?” I shouted when I came in our front door.”

“dito ko nak, sa kitchen.”

Wow the adobo smells really good as it wafted the whole entire house down to my hungry nose and made my stomach growl with hunger. I went in the kitchen and my mom was busy cooking and dicing.

“oh, kamusta finals? She asked me.

“ok naman, ganun pa din, I think I did ok.” I answered giving her a quick peck on the cheek.

“o siya sige na magbihis ka na and maghain dadating na din daddy mo then kakain na tayo.. o nga pala nag overseas ang kuya mo from the states and he said that he wants to see you and ysa for the break. Puntahan niyo na din at kawawa naman din ang kuya niyo dun, tutal naman din wala din kayong plans for this break di ba? She looked at me and waited for me to answer.

“ah talaga?” I answered quite enthused. “wala naman po, pero sige ok din yun para Makita
a din naming si kuya. My big bro works in the stated and its been a few months now since we last saw him. And as I was changing into my pambahay I started thinking baka nga kelangan ko din to, pahinga from everyone dib a? magandang get away na din to and plus I get to see my kuya, not a bad idea at all.then it came to thought, paano si mike? How am I going to talk to him and make amends? I guess it can wait.. ano ba naman yung a few weeks di ba? Oh what the heck so states it is…

3 years....

2009-04-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

After 3 years…
So, here I am again, reminiscing what went wrong between Mike and I. but a very quick update on my end, it has been three years since I last blogged, been busy with my life I guess that I didn’t find time to sit down and relax… I missed those times! I have a steady job now and a good paying one too, got my own place and enjoying every minute of it, other than that all is good. So anyway, it was an accident that I came across a friend of mine that I haven’t seen or spoken with in a long time…conversation was just nonchalant until it came across…
“so trix, kamusta naman ang buhay buhay natin?” he asked looking very interested in what I do now.
“hayyy” I said with a sigh. “ Ganun pa din naman, got rehired on my old job kaya lang they offered me a better position.” I mentioned enthused.

“ah talaga? So ano namang position?”

“ It was this position, that is more client involved, mas madaming gagawing proposals, setup ng mga meeting and more good relationship with new clients, more of maintaining a good relationship with clients.”

“wow galing naman! Sabagay bagay naman sa yo yung ganyang work, you’re good at writing kaya ok na dyan ka napunta.” He said knowingly.

“writing?” I asked. “since when did you know that I can write?”

“di ba? You used to blog, nalimutan ko lang yung url pero I used to read them.. parang pocketbook! Cute and cheesy!”

“oh yeah!!! Grabe I forgot all about it! hmmm sige nga I’ll try to retrieve that url, baka Makita ko pa and then basahin ko nga ulit.”

Our conversation still went on and on about our lives, jobs and other stuff. After that, I was lucky enough to go back to my desktop and start looking for it. Thank all the stars above I finally found it… and started reading it from day 1 of my story… it was indeed, heartwarming for me.. kahit na nga medyo cheesy and baduy, it brought back memories that I thought was long forgotten. It felt like I found a key to Pandora’s box, opened it and found and felt things that were oh so familiar. Up to this day, there’s still that tug in my heart that can never be locked away.
My story ended with a goodbye for mike but my story does not end there, there’s still more to tell and I intend on continuing that story.. the story of the one that got away :(

im sorry...

2006-07-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

"im sorry mike! i cant do this anymore." i sadly told him over the phone.
for the past year of college he has been acting wierd and erratic.. ok ok at first it was cute and all but with the demands of school i cant keep up with him anymore. He became much more demanding and scaringly posseive of me.
"so ganun nalang yun? ayaw mo na? bakit dahil sagabal na ko sa yo? what? tell me!" he said. he was trying so hard not to sound mad but i can see his veins on his forehead and i could say that they can pop any minute.
"mike, its not that, the reason why we have each other is because we love each other and we understand each other, but at the rater we're goin' i dont think we're getting anywhere." i explained.
"sinasabi mo lang yan, alam ko naman eh, kaya ayaw mo na dahil hindi mo na magawa yung mga gusto mong gawin sampu ng mga barkada mo."
this ticked me reallly bad!
"you know what??? tama ka! hindi ko na nga talaga magawa lahat ng mga gusto kong gawin. ikaw sagabal? oo! isang malaking sagabal ka sa buhay ko! lahat ng ginagawa ko kelangan pabor muna sa yo bago ko magawa. tao ako mike! hindi ako robot! masyado pa kong bata para matali ng ganto ano ka ba?" i said and then took a deep breath to calm myself. i guess it was too late for that now.
"no! hindi ako papayag, we can still work this one out? di ba trix? wag mo naman akong iwan ng ganto." he asked
"not this time mike, hindi ko na din kaya yung pressure, ayoko na... we have to do this before we start hating each other.
"no trix, please? i'll do anything you want... pera gusto mo ng pera?" he asked taking his wallet out and taking big bills out and handing them to me."eto sa yo na to, wag mo lang akong iwan."
"ano ka ba mike! i dont need that alisin mo nga yan sa harap ko! nakakabastos ka na ah." i said as i pushed his hand away.
"umm ano pang gusto mo? bagong cell, halika bili tayo ngayon na kahit anong gusto mo." he said as he dragged me going nowhere.
"mike! sandali nga... sandali! ano ba? ano na nangyayri sa yo? hindi na din to maayos ng ganto we need time off from each other hindi ko na din to kaya eh, pls, understand? hindi mo na din mababago yung gusto ko eh, ayoko na!"
"hindi mo na ba ko mahal?" he asked. OMG! this was the day that i'v been dreading.. the simple question yet so hard to answer. paano na ba to?
"mike im sorry, hindi ko na din alam." i answered.
"trix you know na i just cant let this one go just like this... gagawin ko lahat to win you back. i know na alam mo yun di ba?"
"i know but not this time mike ayoko na eh.. im so sorry. i need my own time for myself, i hope you understand..."
" i dont!" then he walked off.

i hate to say this but breaking up with him was sad at first but then after awhile it was great, i mean i get to do things that i havent done before, i get to go out with my friends again, hang out with them, play pool and the best part my parents are not around! this must what freedom tastes like. sooo good!
so yeah there i was partying here and there and meeting new people. Being in college could never be better, this went on for weeks, until one day when i got a phone call in my room.
"hello?"
"hi trix.. kamusta?" it was mike.
"ohhh.. hi mike ok naman and you?" i wasnt actually happy hearing from him. for some weird reason i was a bit irritated.
"not so good! i miss you so much, and i think i have given you much time to think... to think about us... please come back!" he begged.
" mike naman, andyan na naman ba tayo sa usapang yan? sa ibang araw nalang pwede i really have to go, may meeting ako with my members."
"meeting? you dont have a class till 230 pm pa ah? bakit ang aga mo aalis? can we just talk?" he asked.
"im sorry we can't male late na ko, im sorry! bye!" i was about to hang up the phone when...
"saglit lang... ayaw mo na ba?...."
"i guess so, i think this is it for us, im happy now kung asan man ako. sorry."
"ok then i guess all i can do is be happy for you then, goodluck! and i love you!.. lagi yan... please say that you love me too???" he begged.
" im sorry mike... i don't. goodbye!

and with that i hung up the phone and hurried downstairs for my meeting...

another chapter

2006-06-27T13:56:00.000-07:00

The first semester of my freshmen year as a college student was pretty good oh wait a minute it was hella good! It was so convenient without the long commute home, my university was about 10 minutes away from lola's house, which gave me more time to participate with extra curricular activities like more time for outreach programs for my college and i even volunteered myself as an assistant in the Dean's office, which meant that i made Mike's life a living hell...

"sabi ko na nga ba daming magbabago eh." he said sadly as we were having lunch at a local cafeteria.
"ano ka ba mike?! yan ka nanaman with your complains...i still do make time for you, for us di ba?" i said, getting irritated with the same argument every single time we hang out. but for one thing he was right, may be i was just too scared to even admit it. we became strangers overnight, we can no longer talk about things without having an argument, its either he gets jealous of how much time i spend time at school or i get mad at him for not being supportive. I became a social butterfly, and he spent more time in seclusion.

"bakit ba kapag kasama mo yang mga barkada mo yung ngiti mo hanggang tenga na? kapag ako kasama mo kulang sumayad yang nguso mo!" he said knowingly. ok, that's just it!
"bakit din ba kelangang maging diskusyon ang mga kaibigan ko sa tin?!" i said heatedly. i was trying so hard to lower my voice, but this has got to stop. i cant do this anymore, i just want him to support me and to understand me. and yep this long distance thing is already taking its toll on both of us, masakit na sa ulo!
"so what do you want me to do mike?" i asked
"spend more time with me, quit your extra activities and be with me. "
"ok ka lang? do you know how happy iam with what im doing? do you have any idea how important those things are for me?"
"mas importante pa ba sila kaysa sa kin?" he asked. this time i just grabbed my tray, threw out my food in the garbage and started walking away from him, i was just so upset hindi ko na din alam kung may sasabihin pa ko.
"so that's it you're just going to walk away?" he asked trying to catch up.
"ano pang gusto mo sa kin mike? why can you not just be happy for me? bakit ba palagi mo nalang pinamumuka sa kin na iiwan na kita? i know im not!"
"natatakot ako trix." he said, "im just so scared of losing you." he continued with his voice cracking.
"i wont ok? not this way, i know i might have changed alot but please know na hindi kita pagpapalit." i reassured him.

ok so i have a confession to make, this past few days i made some realizations: i started asking myself, "why am i with mike? is it because i got used to being with him? or do i still love him?"i know, i know... masama yung iniisip ko, its just that sometimes naiisip ko na sagabal na siya sa success ko, na i could've done so much more without his whinning and bickering. am i being mean? or being true to myself? minsan din i have this feeling inside me na instead na excited ako to finally see him after a long day at school, i would dread seeing him.. para bang scary na and hindi na exciting yung pagkikita namin dahil alam ko na mauuwi lang sa away. onthe other hand naman when were together and we dont talk about school or we just hangout on the weekends when i go home, parang iba nanaman yung mundo namin, it was when we'd find ourselves not having any qualms about anything. so for some reason im caught in the middle of something scary. i can feel that all along he's right about changes im just to chicken sh*@ to admit it!

i took a deep breath and said, "see, nasayang lang yung lunch break natin sa pagaaway lang.. tsk tsk."
"im sorry kung ang selfish ko ah, gusto ko kasi akin ka lang, the thought of you spending more time with school and friends... ayoko nun." he said kissing my hand.

whoa!!! what??? tama ba yung dinig ko? i wanted to press more argument with what he just said, but chose to keep my mouth shut instead, that'd be another squabble i thought. that made me think though, paano nalang kung mas lumaki na yung responsibilities ko with school work and outreach programs? maiintindihan niya kaya?or are we going back to the same argument? much worse would we go our separate ways?

moving on...

2006-06-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

"understand? trix naman, how am i suppose to undertsand this? bakit ka nagdecide ng hindi ako tinatanong?" he said trying to lower his voice so my parents wouldn't hear. yes, i made a decision and i hope it's not a bad one, i chose to move to my lola's house in manila. Is that bad? kala ko kasi maiintindihan ni mike eh. i tried weighing in all the pros and cons of moving to manila. and unfortunately the pros won :
pros:
near my university
lapit sa gimikan
i have my own room
i have my own telephone line
no parents
no hassle
no traffic
freedom!

cons:
away from mike!

I've thought alot about this, i mean hindi naman din kasi biro ang commute from cavite to manila, even if mike's driving the traffic is just infuriating! but of course mike, upon hearing this was not too happy.

"eh mike naman mas gusto kasi nila daddy na dun nalang ako titira, tas uuwi nalang ako ng weekend." i lied, it was always up to me to decide where i wanted to stay, but for him to understand i have to lie that my parents were the ones who wanted me there. i hate lying, but there's no other way for me to explain to him how important this is for me.
"so ganun nalang yun? weekend nalang tayo magkikita?" he asked, finally giving up on the issue.
"no, its not going to be like that, pwede mo naman akong puntahan sa school eh kunyari lunch or something di ba? kaya nga may sasakyan ka na eh." i suggested.
"trust me trix, madaming magbabago... when you get the taste of freedom and living on your own.. magiiba lahat." he said
teka, why is he being negative on this, its not like im moving out of state or something, as if we're really too far from each other. with him thinking like that got me a little bit scared.
"basta promise trix, hindi ka magbabago ah?"
"mike ano ka ba? what are you talkin about me changing? hindi noh... kahit ano mangyri tayo pa din ang magkakampi ok? you taught me that remember? we'll be ok."

So eventually, he agreed for me to move out, i didn't realize how hard it was for him until i started moving my stuff to my lola's house. both of were in my room and i was tryingto pack most of my stuff until he fell silent and started looking at me...
"HUY! mike what's the matter? ok ka lang?"
"wala lang kasi parang ang layo mo na agad eh, hindi ka pa nga nakakalipat nalulungkot na ko agad." he said giving me a puppy dog look.
"My god naman mike, para nmang ang layo layo ko na..."
"hindi lang ako sanay ng malayo ka sakin, kaya ako takot."
"naku mike, if anything i should be the one to be worried, kasi ako im sure who i wanna be with eh ikaw?" i said trying to give him a reassuring grin.
"oo naman."
"o yun naman pala eh, so what's there to be scared off?" i asked.
"basta, you promise na hindi ka magbabago ah?"
"i told you i promise" i said holding up my right hand for him to see that i was sincere.

and then with that we both continued packing.

"o ano sasama ka pa ba kila lola?" i asked him as i was loading my stuff in the van.
"hindi na, just make sure na makablik ka in time for the mass ha?" he said. yeah, that's mike we have this certain hour wherein we have to go to church and attend mass.
"dont worry i'll be back in time, saglit lang naman din siguro kami dun eh, if anything text nalang kita."
"naku, trix, no excuses basta kahit na anong mangyari antyin nalang kita sa church ok?" he said.
"ok o sige pasok na ko dami ko pa ding kelangang i pack eh." i said giving him a peck on the cheek and i walked in the house to finish packing.
"ok, bye love you." as he waved goodbye.

"dad, eto na yung last na kahon, ala nang ibababa." i called after my dad. we just got to lola's house, of course trafiic was bad and lunchtime was nearly over. i was looking at my watch evry once in a while because i promised mike i'd be back in time for the mass.
"trixie, ano ka ba? kanina ka pa tingin ng tingin diyan sa relo mo?" my mom asked getting annoyed.
"eh kasi ma, sabi ko kay mike babalik ako agad kasi hindi pa kami nag sisimba."
"aba sabihin mo kay mike madami pa tayong gagawin dito. kelan pa palang pinturahan yung kwarto mo, lilinisan pa yun para matulugan..." she said.
uhoh! this is bad im pretty sure that he'd hate me after i tell him this.. paano ba to?
"ma, sigurado ka ba na hindi tayo makakauwi on time?" i asked her again.
"eh sino naman ang gusto mong mag ayos ng kwarto mo? lola mo hindi tayo makakuwi agad, baka dito na din tayo maghapunan. o sige na akyat mo na tong iba mong gamit sa taas." she asked trying to brush me off.

naku patay!!! lagot ako kay mike. well, im sure he'll be ok with it... well you know what this time i think i blew his lid off.

"ano???!!! di ba may usapan tayo??" he screamed at me over the phone.
"eh hindi nga matatapos agad yung mga kelangan dito eh." i said
"ano ba naman trix...ok na nga lang sa kin na lumipat ka diyan pati ba naman yung oras nating dalawa mababawasan pa?" grabe talaga yung gigil niya.
"mike, be reasonable naman." i said trying to lower down my voice kahit na galit na din ako.
"reasonable??? ako pa ngayon ang kelangang maging reasonable.. ikaw na nga ang mangiiwan ako pa ang reasonable?" he said. this time i lost it too...
"ano bang iiwan ang sinasabi mo? bakit ba la ka nang bukang bibig kungdi yang iwan iwan na yan? lilipat lang ako mike isa pa pamilya ko ang kasama ko, hindi ibang tao! bakit kelangan mo kong orasan when im with them?"
" o ngayon ako na yung mali? you shouldnt have promised kung alam mo palang hindi ka makakabalik on time!"
"grrr!!! alamo mo mike walang pupuntahan tong usapan na to! bahala ka!"
"kita mo na, this is what im scared off, hindi ka pa nakaka alis nag babago ka na."
"im tired of explaining myself, we'll talk when i get back!" with that i slammed the phone down.

"oh bakit? away nanaman kayo ni mike?" my mom asked.
"yeah! nakakainis ma, ang higpit niya and he cant understand any of this.. kung bakit kelangang akong lumipat."
"trix, you know from the very beginning hindi ako nakialam sa inyo ni mike, pero all im saying is prang masyado na yata ang argurments niyo tungkol dito, masyado pa kayong mga bata para maghigpit siya ng ganto. dont you think? dapat nga he should undertsand and be supportive of this, aba magandang opportunity 'to for you." for the first time my mom made sense. pero bakit ganto ang feeling parang tama sila pareho. Its scary to think about it, my mom was right about mike, and mike is right about the changes that's going to happen. nakakatakot yung feeling kasi at the back of mind i know mike's right... madaming magbabago kapag andito na ko...

ch-ch-changes...

2006-06-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

"trix tanggap na ko!" mike said on his text message with the smiley face at the end of the text. He finally got his letter from the university that he was applying for, He was so proud to get accepted because it was his father's alma mater.

oooopppsss, im sorry to have jumped my story this far, recap: the night of his senior year went out great by the way, there were good people, good music and of course good food, not to mention that one of his buds got crowned king of the night which made our group the center of attention which was really fun! and then summer came, i got really excited coz now i know i'd have more time to hang out with mike.. well it was just wishful thinking on my part. He and I became really busy going over applications for universities and colleges. He was really aiming on this one school where his dad graduated from and it would mean alot to his parents if he gets in,and lucky for him he did

"that's good news :)" i replied back. hooo! finally we'll have time to relax, it had been hectic this past few weeks, luckily i myself got in the university that i was rootin' for. "ok i'll see you tonight sa bahay ha? dinner tayo i'll cook." i sent him another message.
"sige! that'll be good." see you hal! love you!" he sent back.
Hay salamat, sa wakas we could just chill and talk about this... whew!

and so i cooked for him for dinner and of course for the whole family na din. food for dinner was sinigang and by the time that my parents got home dinner was ready... as everyone was trying to settle down their sits, dumating si mike.

"oh mike, tamang tama ang dating mo.. lika na kain na." my dad invited him.
"ah opo thanks po tito."
so we all sat down and said our graces. then we started eating and chatting happily then my dad asked him a question: "oh ano mike natanggap mo na ba yung letter mo dun sa university na gusto mo?" he asked.
" ah eh.. opo tito, kanina ko lang din po nakuha eh."
"naku, siguro your parents are so proud of you ano?"
"oo nga po eh, lalo na si daddy ."
"naku etong si tixie, kakatanggap lang niya din nung letter niya and we're actually planning to move her dun sa lola niya, ang layo kasi ng commute eh, lam mo naman ang traffic." my mom interrupted.

wait a second... did i just hear my mom tell mike that i might move to lola's house in manila??? uhoh! not good.. ok mom drop it! not infront of mike, we havent even talked about it yet...

"ah talaga po? hindi pa ho nababanggit ni trix sa kin," he said politely as he tried to swallow his food.
"eh kasi mike hindi pa naman sure yun eh." i said looking back at my mom giving her the look to drop the subject, but i guess she cant take a hint.
"chaka lam mo naman delikado na din ang panahon ngayon kaya mas maigi na din yung andun siya sa lola niya, para hindi din mahirapan mag pabalik balik dito sa bahay." my mom said.
"eh ikaw mike, commute ka lang din ba?" my dad interrupted.
"umm, binili po kasi ako ni mama ng bagong sasakyan eh, ok nga po tito kasi di ba, kahit hindi na umalis si trix kahit hatid sundo ko nlang siya." he offered, looking at my mom.
"naku mike, sige nga at pagiisipan namin ng tito mo."
"ma, iba nalang muna pagusapan natin halos buong summer na ito yung pinaguusapan eh." i said.

and so we did, we started talking about, how each other's day went. After dinner I offered to do the dishes and mike offered to help out, at least we both have time to talk about the "moving out" deal, which of course he didnt know and much worse i didnt! as i was carrying all the dishes towards the sink, mike started talking..

"lipat ka din pala sa lola mo eh noh?" he asked wiping off the table.
"ano ka ba, hindi pa naman yun sigurado eh, ni hindi pa nga namin napaguusapan yun, ito lang si mommy ang mapilit." i said.
"eh paano yan kapag nag decide sila na dun ka na? paano na tayo?"
"ito naman wala pa nga eh, di bale sabihin kay daddy may sasakyan ka na naman kaya pwede mo na ko hatid sundo." i said.
"hmm. bahala na." he said giving me a smack on the lips, then he just shrugged his shrugged his shoulders.

When mike left i went to my parents' room to discuss the "moving" issue.
"ma? totoo ba? plano niyo ni dad na dun ako kila lola sa manila?" i asked.
"well, titignan natin kasi lam mo naman na mahirap na ngayon eh, ang layo ng commute mo everyday, tas yung klase mo 8 nagsisimula, eh di anong oras ka niyan aalis dito?"
"isa pa anong oras ka niyan makakauwi, delikado pa naman ngayong panahon na to."my dad said looking up from the tv.
"eh dad may sasakyan naman si mike eh, siya nalang ang hatid sundo sa kin di ba?"
" paguusapan namin ng daddy mo, sige na magpahinga ka na." my mom said.

the issue was not even finished. even my sister was on to me as i entered our bedroom, she had a different opinion about it though.
"ate, ano titira ka kila lola?" she asked.
"ayoko! paano si mike di ba? naku sigurado mapa praning yun."
"pero ate, tignan mo nalang, si lola hindi naman yun strict, tapos imagine may sarili kang room and you can do whatever you want. ang lapit mo pa sa mga gimikan?" she said with a hint of envy.
"hmmm, hindi ko naisip yun ah, pero just the thought of it that sounds really interesting."
"di ba? tutal naman may wheels naman si mike so magkikita pa din kayo araw araw di ba?"

she has a point, and that idea made me think twice about being here. hmmm? parang ang sarap nga kila lola and to think na hindi naman siya strict and tama nga sis ko ang lapit lang ng mga gimikan dun, i can do whatever i want di ba? pero... paano si mike? he hates the idea of me going out on my own, let alone moving out and living alone with my lola...how can i tell him that, and the more i think about moving, the more inviting it becomes...shoot! is that bad? me having the idea of moving out??? naku patay ako nito kay mike kapag sinabi ko yung feelings about moving, but i dont know, maybe he'll like the idea of change? gosh! this is scary, i should just wait for my parents' decision the i'll go ahead and tell him after.
"ate si mike asa phone." my sister interrupted my thoughts.
"ah ok, sige thanks. hello?" i said as i answered the phone.

i guess i have to keep it as a secret for now, i have to think hard about this new opprtunity hopefully, he'll understand...

the night

2006-06-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

"ano payag ka na?" he asked getting annoyed.
"no i dont want to!" i answered combatively.
"eh bakit?"
"eh sa ayoko, coz i just dont do those kinda things." is all i said.

i know i know, most of you would think the obvious but no, he wasn't asking me to sleep with him, he was actually asking me to go to the prom with him. See here's the thing, i dont like wearing dresses let alone a "gown" so this idea of me getting all made up and going to a formal party is a big no-no, and of course i feel guilty of even saying no considering Iam now the girlfriend. Yes! "the girlfriend" damn straight! but the thought of him bringing me to his school and introducing me this buds is just too much of a thought for me, oh yeah by the way he goes to an exclusive school, so i would think that most of the guys there would be bringing in lots of hot gals, i mean it's going to be a beauty fest there for all i know, so i decided to not go with him...

"besides, ano naman isusuot ko dun di ba?" i asked trying to drop the subject.
"bibili tayo, pati gown, dress everything sumama ka lang.." he pleaded
"naku mike gagastos lang tayo, hindi na ayoko talaga."

so he just siged and turned his back on me. he was just frustrated because after all the pleading and all the beeseching he got nothing out of me and when i saw this, it broke my heart seeing him like this

"mike! kainis ka naman, sige sige na nga if you wanted me to go that much then we'll go.." the you could just see how happy he was, he's face just lit up.
"talaga?! ok! sige sige, we'll get whatever dress you want! yes!!!" then with that he gave me a huge sloppy kiss on the lips. right then i knew that wearing a stupid gown would be worth it.

so there we were in the mall trying to pick the dress the i want but unfortunately there was none, as in nada.. zip! i was already getting frustrated with everything.. from choosing the dress, down to choosing the right pair of shoes...

"mike, sure ka ba na kelangan ko pa mag formal ek ek na to?" he just looked at me and said.
"look trix, if you're trying to get off this, trustme you wont be able to." he smiled at me and he was sooo cute i have to kiss him which i did.
"eh kasi ang sakit na ng paa ko, ang sakit na ng ulo ko wala pa din tayong mahanap!"
"naman 'to, and you're suppose to be the girl here, ikaw dapat yung patient sa shopping, not me."
"Arrrggghhh! this is just sooo frustrating! lam mo mike i think its better for me to go get mags nalang and then maybe she could just go ahead and help me out, what do you think?"
"so are you trying to say, im not much of a help?" he asked trying to tease me.
"hindi naman, but dont you think its time i ask for a women's help?" i said snuggling to him.
"ok ok sige text mo nlang si mags, and asked her to meet you out here sa mall. then i'll leave you girls to your shopping ok?"
"Ok. thanx mike!" i said happily

so i sent her a message and she happily agreed to meet me at the mall, damn! im so luck to have a good boyfriend. so i met up with her and again went around the mall to find a dress and binggo! we found the right one. why is it so much easier to be with a gal pal to go shopping around with? and of course maggs will help me out to do my make up and my hair, wait a second? im starting to sound like a girlie girl.. ewww...im even acting like one... OMG! this is bad!

so the much awaited night came and i was so nervous and my palms was just doing its overtime sweatin' grrr.... i hate it when hands do that, but i cant believe what i was seeing when i was standing infront of the mirror...

"wow trix! parang hindi ikaw ah?" mags exclaimed.
"i know..." i was just staring at myself surprised what magic make up and a dress could do.
"mags, baka pagtawanan ako ni mike nito, hindi pa parang ang kapal ng make up ko?"
"hindi yan, ganda bagay sa yo, you should wear make up more often."
"tsk tsk, grabe ha kakagulat ichura ko, hindi ba ko mukang bakla sa ermita niyan?"
"si trix kung anu anong naiisip, just relax and have fun tonight, im sure magugustuhan ni mike yung suot mo."
"mags! mags!" that was mag's mom shouting from downstairs, "si mike andito na."
"naku shet! mags kinakabahan ako!" i said trying to wipe off my hands.
"yes ma! baba na kami" she called out, then she turned at me "Oh trix andyan na si mike ah, in fairness on time siya", she said looking at her clock by the nightstand. "basta i need you to relax and try to enjoy the night you look great."
"ok." was all i could say then i took a deep breath and started down the steps.

you wouldnt believe how nervous i was, and when i was climbing down the stairs i felt like i was that girl from she's all that... hindi nga lang ako nahulog sa hagdan. so i was just watching my steps and when i finally got to the bottom, mike was there and he was just staring.
"wow! ayos ah, ngayon lang kita nakitang ganyan.. i like it. thanks mags!" he said looking at her and waving
"you like? ang weird ng feeling eh, hindi din kasi ako sanay."
"i like it, you look stunning! tara na para mapagmalaki na kita sa mga kabarkada ko." he said.

So we drove in silence on our way to his prom thing and i can see from the side that he kept on looking.
"ano? kakainis naman to eh." i asked starting to get conscious.
"eh kasi naninibago ako eh, you look different and dont get me wrong you are so beautiful with the dress and all. dapat i should ask you out on formal stuff more often." he said beaming at me.
"sira!" i said as i smacked him playfully on his shoulder. " huli na to ah, im not used to this kind of stuff.
so basically we just started talking about the prom and what to expect and he would compliment me ever so often, it was actually the only time that i felt that i was really beautiful thanks to him. as we were fast approaching the hotel, mas lalo akong kinabahan, not only would i be facing most of his buds but i'd be around prettier girls. competition! i guess it's a woman's thing but everytime you come around with so many girls, you'd always compare yourself to them no matter how much your boyfriend tells you that you're beautiful.

"trix, you ok?"
"yeah im fine, kinakabahan lang ako." i said nervously.
"dont worry hindi naman kita iiwan, magkakampi tayo remember. i'll be here."

and so he took my hand and we walked in the hotel. the hotel was grandeur. It has an awesome design and have that underwater effect. they have the blue and white theme for the school colors and they have an awesome dj too.. so there we were standing awkwardly at the door as he led me to meet his friends, i was so nervous i guess he felt that because he squeezed my hand tight trying to tell me that everything's going to be ok.

"hey guys.. i want you to meet trixie... my girlfriend."

and after he said that i knew everything was going to be ok.

as good as it gets

2006-06-08T12:54:00.000-07:00

as i walked away from him, i have to hold back my tears, then as i turned my back from him, then that was when it did hit me... shouldn't i be happy ngayon na alam ko na what he was really feeling? shouldn't i be jumping for joy, now that he finally admitted that he have feelings for me? then why the hell am i turning away from the man of my dreams, and walking away from him?

is it because it was the feeling of being the second choice hit me? maybe.. well wait a minute i think it is. and of course the fact that i have to be sure that he wanted me for who iam and not because i resembled or because i am a part of maggie's life.

"trix you ok?" mags asked as we were getting ready to leave the clubhouse. i actually didnt have the energy to stay at the party to so i just started packing my stuff so i could go home and go to the solace of my bedroom.

"mags panget ba ko? bakit ako laging second choice? i asked, again getting teary eyed and trying to prepare for mags' response.
"ano ba yang pinagsasabi mo? ano bang nangyri sa yo?"
"he finally told me mags! he finally did! may gusto daw siya sa kin!"
"oh yun naman pala eh, isnt that suppose to be good news!" she happily said, and i swear i think she was so happy she almost fell off the bench that we were sitting on.
"i know it should be... pero bakit ganun yung feeling ko? i feel like wala nalang siyang choice that's why he had to tell me that, parang it just gave him no choice but me? tama ba na maramdaman ko yun?"
"trix, dapat nga maging masaya ka, this is suppose to be one of the happiest days for you, ito na yung matagal mo nang inaantay di ba? and if anything di ba sabi ko naman sa yo, mike doesnt deserve anyone but you."
ewan ko mags, gusto ko lang siguro na for him to prove himself, i want him to be sure on what he really wanted... hindi naman masama yun di ba?"
"i guess yo're right on that note, pero sige tignan nalang natin, if he really wants you then he'll do everything to have you di ba."

when i got home, my room was my only consolation.. i know i know.. ang O.A. for me to even act this way di ba? kung ito na nga yung gusto ko eh ano pa ba ang inaarte ko di ba? all those kilig moments and all those questions were finally answered.. lahat ng mga inaantay ko nangyayari na ng dahan dahan lang and that's suppose to be good. i know kababawan lang for me to feel this way, but i guess im just being true to myself. so haters be gone!

Senior year came and of course no word from mike yet, baka nga na realize niya na nagkamali siya ng mga sinabi... maybe all along he thought he had that feeling but then realize that it was all for nothing.. so ako no choice but to move on. then one day as i was walking home from school, guess who was at my door?

"mike! anong ginagawa mo dito?" i asked.
"trix, we need to talk..." those four words hit hard, yun pa lang yung sinasabi niya my palms started getting clammy and i think my heart would leap out of my chest.
"ahh ok, lika pasok ka.." i invited him in.
as we walked in our house, i felt that it was really akward being near him, i just wished that the floor would swallow me whole 'coz i cant think of anything to say to him but i tried to act cool (as always) and have my game face on.. kinda like the look na, "ok so bring it on"
"so what brings you?"
"trix, hindi ko din kasi lam kung paano ko to sisimulan.. i dont even know if you'd actually believe me, pero kahit na hindi mo ko paniwalaan i just want you to hear me out, after nun then you can throw me out of your house more of you can throw me out of your life if you want, pero kelangan ko lang sabihin sa yo to before i lose it."

i was just staring at him and this time my game face was just gone, i knew then that my facial expressions would just tell him everything...

"ok , so what is it mike?" i asked nervously.
"here goes and all i want is for you to just listen ok..." he took a deep breath and continued "i know that even from the beginning you were there for me, ikaw yung nasa tabi ko nung nabalian ako, you were the one who made me do things that i didnt even know that im capable of doing, you've changed me into a whole different person.. dont take it the wrong way, those changes was for the better...kapag kasama kita you can bring out the best and worst in me, kaya kong maging yung totoong ako kapag andyan ka, yung hindi ko na kelangang mag pretend that im someone, heck i dont have to impress you at all! i realized i've been acting a jerk and literally been blind for the longest time about my feelings for you.. ngayong na realize ko na kung gaano ka kaimportante sa kin, i'd do anything to prove that to you, kahit na itaboy mo ko and kahit na pagtawanan mo ko, i'll stay here, i'll wait. whatever it takes... i dont want to lose the only person who actually listens. all im asking is just a chance yun lang..." then he breathed with a sigh and.. "there nasabi ko na."

funny thing was i was just sitting there staring at him, this time i was the one who was dumbfounded, wow! karma does happen fast huh.. ako naman yung walang masabi... ulitimately speechless. it was like one of those you-had-me-at-hello-jerry-mcguirre moments, that you just want to jump out of you seat and give him a huge hug and tell him the exact same thing. kaya lang speechless talaga ko eh.

"trix?... i think this is the time when you have to say something."
"umm...ahhh..ehhh.." then i just started crying right there infront him, parang hindi ko nalang alam yung sasabihin ko sa kanya, i guess i could call it tears of joy... i cant handle pretending anymore, hindi ko na din kayang itago yung feelings ko for him.. it was like one large thorn taken away from my chest as in isang malaking "haaaaaaayyyyyyy!"

All he did was hold me and i didnt have to say anything for us to understand each other we both knew. i guess you could call it a "kodak moment" for the first time i wasnt pretending, i dont even have a game face or a poker face on... i was just... happy! we both were...

sweet memories

2006-06-06T15:48:00.000-07:00

those stories as i could recall are one of those moments that are really hard to forget, parang kahapon lang it seems... everytime that i'd go back and think about it, it always would bring back smiles, and yes it is true that sweet memories and even the bad ones basta memories they are really hard to forget... they usually play in your head like a god damn movie.. (ooopppsss sorry!). it just does that to you.. it plays over and over again, like a bad first date that would never end...

so there we were our last weekend of the summer and all of us were just hanging out by the pool of our clubhouse.. siyempre last weekend na namin so nilulubos lang , our summer turned out to be pretty good, except for the fact that mike and I stopped talking to each other, we'd always have those awkward moments, like we'd run into each other and we have no way out but to say "hello", hindi ko din lam kung bakit, he just started acting all wierd about everything, tahimik lagi and sometimes you'll see him staring at me and then when i catch him iiwas naman ng tingin.. di ba parang ungas??? sorry! but it sure does sound stupid di ba?

"trix, problema niyo ni mike? para kayong mga sira tayo tayo nalang hindi pa kayo nagpapansinan."
"lam mo mags, kahit ako nagtataka din diyan ever since nagusap kami sa may tapat ngbahay about errol he just stopped talking altogether." i said trying to glance at him, he was there by the pool playing around with the rest of the crew, they were trying to push each other in the pool.
"uuuyyyy, baka naman dahil dun sa kinuwento mo sakin about dun sa sinabi niya sayo?"
"sshhhh!" i said. "baka may makadinig sa yo."
"oh wellyan mo na trix, weird naman yan eh..."

and the she walked off and shrugged and joined the rest of them, i, on the other hand was just watching them, nakakainis lang kasi gusto ko sumali kaso lang baka ma out of place lang so i retreated and went to the patio to go get food... hmmm.. lunurin ko nalang sarili ko sa food. there i found eric eating munchies as well.

"huy erick, sabay na tayo ha, wala akong kasabay kumain eh."
"sige lang, ayan oh daming pang food" said he pointing on all the food that were all laid on the table. everything looks just good.
"huy trix, problema niyo ni mike? uyyyy kayo ah... LQ kayo noh?"
"tumigil ka nga diyan erick ewan ko ba naman sa ungas na yun kung anong problema niya eh, wala naman akong ginagawa sa kanya tas aartehan niya ko ng ganun. paki sabi mo nga sa kanya ha na kung may problema siya sa kin kausapin niya kaya ako!!!." i screamed at him.
"ummm.. eh kung ikaw nalang kaya magsabi sa kanya?"
"eh paano ko nga sasabihin eh hindi nga ako pinapansin?"
"ayan oh sabahin mo na, kanina pa nakikinig", he whispered.

OMG!!! yes, he is right behind me huh??? stupid! why does he always find a way to startle me and go behind my back anyway???

" o mike pare kain.. o sige iwan ko muna kayo puntahan ko muna sila sa labas." erick said and winked at me.

ok ok ok.. try to stay calm, and so i grabbed a plate and tried to choose what good food there is to eat, earlier i though all the food was good, i actually thought i was famished, but now him being there staring at me I dont feel like eating anymore. But as usual I tried to look that i was busy with choosing what i want to eat and then pretended that nothin that was goin' on, but i swear to god, i think he can hear my heart thumping! as in sobrang kinakabahan ako.

"o mike! kain ka oh, daming food." i said casually.
"sige lang maya maya na."
ok here goes, "mike, may problema ba tayo?" i breathed out. "kasi bigla mo nalang akong iniwasan eh, anong problema?"

ok there! yan ha nasabi ko na, but he did nothing but stare on the mailto:f*@& floor! nakakainis, i wanted to hit him in the head with a hammer para lang magsalita, but i guess he doesnt want to talk. so after being in an awkward in like 2 minutes.. and mind you, it was the longest 2 minutes of my life! i decided to just leave him alone and walk away,

"umm, ok!" i said giving him a sarcastic thumbs up and started walking away... at least i already asked right?

"trix! saglit lang...i's sorry for acting like a jerk, madami lang din kasi akong iniisip this past few days, i know it sound sooo pathetic."
"if you sound pathetic? no, if you were pathetic yes!" i said.
"ummm, you know i've been doing lots of thinking and i mean a lot!. lam mo yun, ang wierd... do you remember that one time that were talking about being-in-love-with-a-person talk? i was talking about you. i have this mixed emotions about you, hindi ako sigurado if i was feeling right... but then when errol started showing that he has interest in you, nagselos ako ng sobra, more than i've expected myself in doing so, hindi ko alam na capable pala ko magselos ng ganun. I was trying to play it cool para hindi mo mahalata, but that night that we had that talk, it was the edge for me, sabi ko "i have to tell her how i feel." and ngayon lang din ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob, im sorry... mahal na yata kita."

"yata" ano yun? what in the worl was that? hindi siya sigurado? bakit... all this questions were just hitting me like some meteor shower... hindi ko ma digest yung mga sinasabi niya, ang bilis eh.

"mike, seryoso ka? sigurado ka ba diyan sa mga sinasabi mo? baka naman kaya mo lang nasasabi yan dahil best friend ko si mags.. mike hindi ako si mags ok?"

he just stared at me, baka nga akala niya ako magiging kapalit ni mags.

"seryoso ko? oo!"
"im sorry mike, not like this, you're not even over maggie yet."
"Iam trix! Iam maniwala ka naman."
"I'll believe you when i see it, hindi mo ba alam kung paano ko nasasaktan everytime you look at her? everytime na tatanungin mo ko about her? hindi mo naman alam, kasi ayaw mong malaman, puro ka nalang maggie this and maggie that! im sorry mike, im happy to hear that you finally see me not only as a friend but as someone more than that, kaya lang please understand din na kelangan ko ding makita at malaman na sigurado ka sa gusto mo."

and with that i walked away leaving him dumbfounded...

sorry

2006-06-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

so we were sitting side by side and trying to think of things to say.. kaya lang wala talaga eh, there's just nothing to talk about and there's just nothing to say but "i'm sorry"

"si mike noh?" it was errol who broke the silence.
"what does mike have to do with my decision?" trying to hide the fact and the obvious.
"evrything trix! i knew from the very beginning that you only have eyes for him, you're just too scared to admit it."
"hindi totoo yan! dont blame this on him, talagang i just dont have feelings for you errol, and kung pwede just respect that, hindi na nating kelangan mangdamay ng ibang tao." i said defensively.
"i'm sorry, but if you really like him then why cant you fight for him?"

teka teka teka!!! am i hearing this one right? si errol nagbibigay ng advice? this is really uncanny. i just told him that the "me and him" thing wont work and here he is giving me an advice to fight for Mike? Bakit?

"teka, errol whatever it is that i feel towards someone its my damn business, hindi mo na ko kelangan turuan."
"again sorry ulit dont get too worked up on what i said, its nothing personal, i just want to see you happy lam mo mo yun? kasi tuwing makikita nalang kita on how you look at him, lagi kong nakikita yung lungkot and at the same time yung saya that i never saw in you when you look at me."
"thanks Errol, even if i wanted to, alam naman natin that he's not for me, heis in love with someone and that person... si maggie."
"that was before trix! hindi mo na lam yan ngayon, lots of things have changed."
"no, ok lang , i'll be happy just by looking at him... ganun eh."
"ok trix basta, kahit naman ganto yung nangyri sa tin you know i'll be here for you and we know that you deserve someone better."
'thanks talaga errol for being there ha... and sorry talaga. so friends?" i asked extending a handshake.
"sure friends it is..." he replied taking my hand and shaking it, even though he said it, it doesnt really sound like he meant it.

with that he just turned his back on me and he started walking away. as for me my thoughts drifted back to those words that he told me "fight for him." naisip ko naman kelan pa nangyri sa history ng pilipinas na ang babae ang lumalaban para sa relationship na ni hindi naman nag eexist? parang hindi pa yata...that's the hard part of it. if you fight for what you want and for what you believe in, kung babae ka, they'll think you're too easy, if you play hard to get they'll say you're too picky... eh san ba talaga yung tamang pwesto?

i was really surprised with errol too you know? he handled himself well... and those things that he told me... about mike... talaga bang ganun na ka obvious? shet! if they could notice it, then why the hell cant mike notice it? if only we could teach our hearts ginawa ko na siguro, but i have this thing in me that i usually use my heart over my head, even though i've been struggling for so long to forget about him, i just cant... para na kong nalolokang ewan, just to get over him...

Summer's almost over for everyone and i guess all i can do is look forward to my senior year, that has to be something unforgettable right? graduating class na ko sa wakas! well as my thoughts were still at a loss for what's going to happen at the end of the summer, there was a tap behind me...

"shet! Mike ano ka ba???!!! kung san san ka naman nang gagaling eh, what are you doing here?"
"i should be asking you the same question, what are you doing outside your house at this hour?"
"excuse me, but you're not my dad, so bugg off!" i said.
"eto naman pikon agad..."
"ok what do you want?"
"wala lang, pauwi na din kasi ako and i saw you here alone, i ran into errol as well, galing siya dito noh? he asked.
"oo eh ano naman sa yo?"
"wala lang, he just looks weird you know, parang bangag! mababangga ko na hindi pa ko papansinin. wassup with that?"
"ahhh yun ba, wala nagusap lang kami about me and him. i told him that it's not going to work out for both of us."
"Really??? sinabi mo yun? sabi ko sa yo eh lolokohin ka lang nun eh, sabi ko na wag ka magpapaniwala dun." he sounded a little bit relieved.
"hoy! hindi ko siya binasted dahil nambabae siya ah! he was actually good to me, yun nga lang we just dont have anything in common, i'd be lying to him and to myself kapag nagcommit ako sa kanya."
"owwwwkkkk.. sorry! jeesh trix! drama nun ah... pero ok lang yun at least di ba sinabi mo yung totoo.so bakit ang lungkot mo pa din?"
"it's just aboout things that he told me, parang lahat kasi ng sinabi niya may sense eh."
"bakit so ngayon ba nanghihinayang ka na na binasted mo siya?"
"ummm hindi naman, it's just that he really is a good guy, hindi ko nga lang siya gusto, kung pwede ko lang turuan yung sarili ko na gustuhin siya i'll do it kaya lang may iba nang laman...." then i stopped myself.
"may iba nang...???? ano? he asked.
"wala.. masydo na kong nagiging dramatic"

phew! i almost blurted that one out loud. muntik na!but errol's words still lingered in me, his words became more of a struggle for me, between doing what is right and doing what makes you happy. then both me and mike just grew quiet for some time, until he asked me a question

"trix, have you ever had that thing happen to you, na you know that you've known that you already are inlove with this person and you just dont know it yet, until one day something happend and you just realize that she was this person that you're suppose to be with all this time?" he asked his face groing serious. and i being the stupid one tried to paly it off.
"huy mike! san naman nanggaling yan? why being so poetic all of a sudden?"
"no, seryoso ko. have you ever felt that?"
"ako? its different for me i've known all along and it doesnt have to have a certain situation for me to realize it." i said. yan ha sinabi ko na! i just dont understand what he was talking about. i dont know where it came from. Seriously it really was a big surprise for me. But after awhile he just started getting up and gettingready to leave.

"oh san ka punta?"
"uwi na ko, i have stuff to do at home." he said he voice now was low and sounded a bit upset.
"ah ganun ba? do you want to stay for dinner? sarap niluto ni manang adobo?" i said trying to sound enthused.
"nah! sa bahay nalang.. thanks anyway... sige twagan nalang?"
"ok sige ingat!"

and with that i was again left on my own... not to sound too arrogant, but was he talking about me? ako ba yun? or is it another one of his cliffhanger comments na hindi mo naman lam kung sino tinutukoy? and i thought we, women are difficult to understand!!! so are men! i wonder what was he talking about "the one thing that happened" hmmm ano yun? still left me shaken though, could be someone else, i dont know... i dont want to paly dumb and at the same time too arrogant kasi mamya hindi pala ko yun, pahiya lang ako... i guess all i can do for now is wait...

my phone call

2006-06-05T08:54:00.000-07:00

"trix! trixxxiiieee!! telephone si mike! " my mom screamed from the living room good thing i have my phone extension in my room. i picked it up and...
"i got it mom." i waited util i hear the click sound on the other end of the line.
"hello? hello mike? balita?"
"Hi Trix! busy ka?" he asked and he sounded staticky.
"hindi naman, bakit? may problema ba?"
"hindi wala naman naisip ko lang tumawag....ah.. eh... asa hospital kasi ako eh, nabilaan ako kanina sa basketball."
"Ha!!! naku ok ka lang ba? san yung bali mo?" i hope i didnt sound so concerned but oh what the heck!
"sa wrist. mali kasi yung bagsak ko eh, pero ok lang labas na din naman ako bukas eh."
"Ahhh.. ok that's good to hear!" i sighed with relief.
"so ginagawa mo ngayon?" he asked trying to change the subject.
"wala lang nakahiga lang, walang magawa ang boring eh."

then he went ahead and said the unthinkable.

"tinawagan ko si maggs eh, busy naman yung phone nila, kaya tinawagan na din kita para hindi naman kayo mag alala." he said.

Huwaaaatttt!!! he called maggie first??? ouch naman mike! galing naman ng timing mo, kung kelan naman feeling ko i'm that important, sabay hirit ka naman! insenstive talaga! hooo!

"ah talaga? sige why don't you try calling her back again, baka hindi na busy."
"nah, ok lang baka kausap lang niya yung boyfriend niya, besides i'd rather talk to you.

my heart as always almost skipped with that, but learning from him he might just be acting nice.

"ah ok, so ano na?" i asked starting to feel irritated, that i was, again the second choice.
"umm wala lang, nakakainip kasi dito sa ospital eh, walang magawa. kwento ka naman."
"ano naman kwento ko nanaman?"
"ummm.. kahit ano, ano ginawa mo buong week?"

and there we went again, we started talking about what was going on and of course started talking about ourselves. it's wierd because this time our conversation was more in depth. we talked about our future, you know like what age do we plan on getting married, where we want to work at. all the stuff concerning our future. It's one of those times that even if i was really frustrated with him, he was the only one that i could really talk to about this kind of things. the only person whom i know won't laugh at me when planning for my future. but as the night was winding down, i know that both of us need to get some sleep especially him, he needs much rest.
"Paano mike, goodnight na, gabi na din, tutal naman uwi ka na din bukas, bukas nalang."
"ah ok sige, ang bilis ng oras hindi ko namalayan madaling araw na din pala."
"o nga eh, sige pahinga ka na. goodnight." i said and tried to stifle a yawn.
"ok sige trix good night!" and nga pala trix... ummm... this may sound weird pero gusto ko lang sabihn na lam mo ba when i fell on the ground and naramdaman ko na pilay na yung wrist ko, the first thing and the first one that came to my mind... was... you. sige good night!"
"ha! ikaw talaga. antok lang yan..! sige na goodnight!" then i hung up. OMG! what was that? san galing yun.. mike can really turn things just like that with his simple words! nakakainis na ah. haaayyy, paano na naman ako makakatulog niyan kung yun lang yung naiisip ko? naku naman!

So i clicked off my lamp and then tried to close my eyes and as i started drifting off to sleep i can only think of one thing, wait not one thing but one person... who else? si mike...

the drive home

2006-06-01T15:19:00.000-07:00

It was fun while it lasted, lahat kami sobrang nag enjoy and of course all my realtives and cousins were all very accomodating. if only we could just stay there by the beach it'd be wonderful.

As for me and mike the days that followed after the incident was just a blur, we both acted like nunthin' happend. I mean i wish I looked and acted like nothing happened. On our drive home Maggie got shotgun, of course to hog the A/C. we drove back right after lunch. My nanay became fond of my friends, especially mike and insisted that they all come back for another vacation "maswerete and mapapangasawa niyang si mike, napaka maalaga niyan eh." i remembered her saying it. Sigh! i just wish i knew who it is. sana AKO nalang! but oh well.

Everybody was quiet on the first 30 min drive, until Daren said something,

"balik nanaman tayo sa normal noh? ang boring nanaman niyan, pag andun na tayo!"
"well, ano pa bang pwede nating planuhin aside from tambay?" bing chimed in.
"ano pa edi inuman nalang tuwing weeken kila mike, di ba mike?" Erick suggested
"kayo, bahala nalang kayo magplano basta ko kahit ano." then i just saw him looked at me from the rear view mirror. wait... was he really looking? o imagination ko lang yun?
"ay, mike daan tayo dun sa may mga fruit stand ha, bili tayo ng mga pampasalubong." that was maggie.
"ok, kelangan ko din naman bumili ng para sa mommy eh."

and then after that isa isa nang nagsimula pumuwesto para matulog, except me nanaman.. si Daren ayun naghihilik na ulit... haayyy might as well just play with my cellphone. yup! i do have one, hindi ko lang masyado naasikaso during our trip coz i was too excited to even pay attention to it. And then it was just like it read my mind it beep signaling that i have one unread text message. it said:
"Hi trix!kmsta trip nyo? on d way n b kyo? safe trip hme! ingat!mwah!" errol wrote.
I smiled at the idea that someone actually is anxious for me to get back home excep for my mom and dad.

"oh bakit ganyan ngiti mo? hanggang tenga?" asked mike from the mirror. i didnt even realized that he was watching me. WTF!
"kakagulat ka naman! basta secret!"
"si errol noh? naku nambobola lang yan! wag ka magpapaniwala sa mga sinasabi niyan."
"eh basta ako na may problema dun noh!" hmmp! inggit ka lang!" i teased

Since everybody was fast asleep anyway, we just started talking... again. we were talkin' about how the trip went.

"It wasnt so bad yeah?" he asked.
"I know, it turned out pretty good actually, greater that i've expected."
"buti nalang naisip mo tong trip na to. it made me realize lots of stuff, mas lalo ko nakilala bawat isa sa 'tin. mas lalo kong na aapreciate yung value ng isat isa."
"shet ang drama mo mike hindi naman bagay! yech!"

But honestly what he was saying was true, i have learned a lot from my friends and i value them more than anything after this trip, ang drama but it really is true. Even more, i realize that i was falling hard for mike. i saw how he was with everyone. kung paano niya alagaan yung mga girls na kasama sa trip. he he'd helped out with nanay with housework. He's so family oriented, lahat may plano na, lahat naayos niya, lahat may solusyon. not unlike me, lahat magulo... disoriented, no plans at all... siguro the only thing that we have in common is being family oriented. He was the "ONE" for me, ewan ko nga lang kung im the one for him... pero alam ko na naman kasi yung sagot sa tanong ko eh, he has eyes only for Maggie. yun lang yung sad part and he only sees me as his "buddy." how sad can that be?

"oiii! gising na lahat! andito na tyo! yung mga bibili ng mag pasalubong diyan gumsing na!" that was mike's voice from the driver's seat. i didnt even realize that i've dozed off.
"trix, gising na... tulo pa laway mo oh.. hehehe, biro lang." he said in my right ear.
i cracked one eye open for him, then when i saw him staring at him i just whacked him on his shoulder "yabang!" then went down the van and stretched my legs out.

"trix, do you want sit outfron on our way home, hindi kasi ako makatulog sa harap eh, you can have that spot" she said smiling and then winked at me.
"are you sure? sige."
"so anyupdates from mike? i meanyou like him dik ba?"
"ano ka ba? baka may makadinig sa yo." i said lookinfg around if someboday have heard. luckily no one was around.
"eh bakit totoo naman ah, halata naman eh, lalo ka na. the way you look at him eh ewan ko naman dito kay mike manhid naman yata eh."
"hindi lang siguro siya interesado." i said with a hint of bitternes in my voice.
"di bale, trix mag rersearch tayo thru his friends, malay mo di ba?"
"naku yaan mo na mags, baka hindi ko lang magustuhan yung mga malalaman natin. i'll just let it go."
i wanted to cry right there. paano nga kung hindi niya ko gusto? naku para namang dinurog yung puso ko nun. pero ok lang siguro i mean we never know errol might be the one, maybe if i give him a chance, maybe things would work out sa min di ba? whoa! ang layo naman na agad ng iniisip ko. oh well. why not?
"did you get something for tita?" maggs said trying to change the subject.
"hindi ko pa nakikita eh, ikaw may nabili ka na for your mom?"
uhuh!" all done, ayun oh andun pa sila Daren and Mike, abot ka pa sa pagbili."
"sige mags, you go ahead sa van bili lang ako sandali ng pasalubong."
"and trix! dont worry ok lang yan", she said before i disappeared in the crowd where Daren and Mike are.

I got the shotgun on the drive home, grabe sa taraffic nanaman and as usual tulog lahat wel, except for erick who has his compact cd on. and listening to his own tunes.me on the other hand was just too tired to say anything to mike, i was just staring staight ahead. then my cell beeped breaking the silence.

"AYUN!!! yun naman pala ang inaantay kaya hindi makatulog. tsak tsak! he said trying to peak at who the texter was.
"che! hindi kaya, hindi lang ako sanay matulog sa biyahe. chaka hindi ako nag aantay ng text noh." i said defensively.
"sino ba kasi yan patingin naman."
"wala ka na dun!" i said smiling and trying to hide my cellphone from him.
"naku alam ko na yata, si errol yan noh?"
well it was really my brother asking us where we're at but of course to keep the mystery going and was trying to check his reaction on the subject.
"eh ano naman kung si errol?"
"naku loko loko yun eh babaero pa."
"naku mike, that's my problem not yours eh ano naman ba yun sa yo."
"ummm w...wala concern lang ako, siympre kung mag kaka boyfreind ka mas maganda yung hindi ka lolokohin di ba?"
" oh yun naman pala eh wala, so buzz off!"
"ito naman pikon agad. yoko lang na masasaktan ka di ba? you know siympre kaibigan kita, kung may mananakit sa yo , naku mananagot sila sa kin!" he said trying to crack his knuckles and giving me that "macho" look.
"mike, yaan mo na ko and dont worry if anythingh kung masasaktan man ako ikaw una makaklam nun di ba? close na tayo diba? ganyan oh. trying to show him the "close"sign with my right hand.

and yeah did i hear him right? "kaibigan kita?" word, so i guess i got my answer right there huh? does it end there, talaga bang hindi na niya ko magugustuhan?sakit nun ah sapul! pero sige i'll act nothing happend iwas nalang muna siguro for now. i mean that's the best way right?

"Oh bakit nagsimula ka nanamang magsimangot diyan?"
"ah wala lang, nahihilo ko , kakapagod eh. tulog muna ko."
"oh kala ko ba hindi ka sanay matulog sa biyahe."
"well, i'll sit this one out." then i just leaned on the door and closed my eyes. trying to hold back my tears. and for him not see that i was getting teary eyed. i got my answer! i cant believe it.
hanggang dun nalang yun siguro yun? or maybe im just looking too much to it. i dont know, i'll i want is to go home.

my unforgettable summer part 3

2006-06-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

So the next day, my wake up call was really loud, it was the rooster doing it's morning lung excercise as usual... gosh! tagal ko na ding hindi nakakadinig ng tilaok ng manok ah... i was the first one up

"Mike was right Daren really could snore!" i said to myself as i here Daren snoring away.
i went downstairs to help nanay prepare breakfast for everyone, but when i got there andun na si mike helping my nanay out.

"goodmorning sunshine!" mike said brightly
"mrnin' mike, mornin nanay! ang aga mo mike ah, i didnt know that you were a morning person?"
"well, im not, hindi lang ako sanay matulog sa ibang bahay so when i heard some noise down here na baka gising na yung mga tao i just went down here to help out."
"Naku Tixie eto namang palang si mike e napakasipag na bata eh ano?" may nanay came up from behind me with plates in her hand.
"naku nay, kunyari lang yang si mike nagpapalakas lang yan!" i said jokingly as i grabbed the plates from her hand and started helping her set the table.
"trix, kaw ha, hindi mo sinasabi sa kin na madalas ka pala dito sa nanay mo kapag summer, dito ka daw nagbabakayson nung maliit ka pa, at sabi ni nanay batang layas ka daw at gusgusin pa! hahahaha."
"Nay, naman eh, bakit niyo naman kinuwento un kay mike?" i said shyly damn! i knew i was starting to turn red. i wonder what else may nanay told mike about me?
"Naku naman tixie, eh totoo naman di ba? naku lam mo ba mike yang si tixie kahit tanghaling tapat kapag nag yaya mga pinsan niya na magpunta dun sa ilog naku walang dalawang salita yan at sasama!"
"ilog? may ilog dito trix? ang cool punta tayo? eh nay malayo ho ba yun?"
"eh hindi naman malapit lang, sige nga tixie samahan mo tong si mike bumalik nalang kayo agad ha, para kumain."
"eh nay, hindi naman sanay tong si mike sa mga ganun eh."
"ano ka ba trix, ok yun parang hiking adventure, tara!"
"ok, pero wag mo ko sisihin kapag hindi mo nagustuhan ah. sige nay balik nalang kami agad kapag nagising sila Daren paki sabi balik kami agad."
"sige mag iingat kayong dalawa at bumalik agad ha."

So we went trekking towards our so called river, i mean ever since i was a child i loved going there. It was like old school you know, my lola would take all our clothes there to have 'em washed and then eat lunch by the river. It was so fun. And there we were on our way mike trying to take all the scenery in and I was just lost in thought reminscing every detail when i was a child.

"Grabe dito noh? ang ganda! ngayon lang ako nakakita ng ganto you know?"
"Bakit di ba may province din kayo? sa baguio right?"
"yeah, pero you know how baguio is, it's already too commercialized, dami nang tourists, hindi katulad dito, its beautiful kasi alam mong hindi commercialized lahat, medyo scary din kasi puro puno, imagine walking here at night.. awoooooo!"
"yeah, yeah? ako, you're trying to scare me? have you forgotten that i almost grew up here?"
"Ay oo nga pala! wait what was that? i think i heard something. oh pleassse trixie save me from the monsters... please save me..." he was clinging to me and acting all dramatic. ha!
"Mike tumigil ka na nga, bilisan na natin malapit na naman tayo eh."
"ito naman, you're no fun!"

And then there it was... it still is sooo beautiful and it didnt change the way it was when i last saw it. It was still clean and you can still see a few people doing their laundry, the old school way..."hand wash" way.

"Wow! trix this is awesome!!! ang ganda! grabe!."

Mike was just awestruck. he was just staring at the river and trying to take evrything in.

"we should've brought our camera! sayang!" he said.
"oo nga eh. Oh well."
"Tara dun tayo oh sa may malaking bato na yun." he said pointing to this one spot by the river. He instantly grabbed my hand to pull me in the water so we could go there. Man! i could just die there! i felt like there was something in his hand that had electrified my whole being. in tagalog "sobrang kinilig ako!" and so i pretended that i didnt notice that he was holding my hand.
"ok ok teka wag ka namang magmadali baka madapa tayo."
"grabe talaga, ang ganda dito, sorry ha sobrang excited ako kasi ngayon lang din ako nakakita ng ganto eh."
"yeah i can tell." and yeah dont ever let go of my hand! sige lang enjoy the scenery and i'll enjoy your hand on mine! hehehe, i guess he heard what i was thinking and he just let go of my hand and he just sat on the rock and just stared at me, he never looked at me like that before. i was feeling awkward so i had to break the ice.

"Huy!" i said splashing him with cold water from the river. "hahaha! ay napalakas ang dami sorry!" i must've taken a handful of the water that i got his shirt wet. ooppss.
"ganun ha! so you wanna play rough eh?" and as he said this he just grabbed my waist and took me down with him.
"mike no!!!"
I guess it was too late for that because we both landed at the same time on the water, parang movie everything just stopped... him being on top of me. i mean this is a G-rated blog di ba? but what i mean is sparks just flew right there. or baka ako lang nakaka feel nun. parang may slow mo yung scene na yun, as in face to face ha, and then just when i was about to stare at his eyes he simply got up and shrugged it off.

"oooppsss! sorry, hehehe!" he said laughing as he helped me up.
"sira ka talaga mike yan tuloy lalakad tayo ng basa pauwi." i said trying to calm myself. i hoped i didnt sound nervous at all, i was trying to play it cool and nonchalant because i was shaking. Damn! we were like almost in a kissing distance and literally my knees were still shaking when he helped me up. hoo!!! I cant believe that it actually happened. I mean what was that. shoot!

"naku tara na nga baka magkasakit ka pa magalit sa kin si nanay."
"yeah she'd kill you if she finds out that you deliberately pulled me in." i said smiling.

our way back wasnt bad at all. I thought that it was going to be awkward but it was actually pretty cool. It was just plain fun. We were just kidding around, telling jokes and exchanging all time favorite stories back when we were practically still on our diapers. the conversation was just natural. when we got there the whole gang was already having breakfast.

"Oh anong nangyri sa inyong dalawa, bakit kayo basa?" asked maggie
"eh ito kasing si mike..." i wasnt even finished when he interrupted.
"anong ako? ikaw kaya nauna!" he playfully pushed me.
"yiheee! sounds like a fighting couple!" erick interjected
i just heard hoots of laughter and some yihees and yihaas when nanay came in
"naku tong mga batang to oh, tixie, mike magpallit na muna kayo ng damit bago kayo kumain ng almusal at baka magkasakit pa kayong dalawa, at kayo namang lahat sige na mag si kilos na kayo at ihanda niyo na yung mga dadalhin niyo papaunta kila alice sa aplya.
"yes nanay!" saluted Daren

everyone just started moving and helped each other to clear the table, except for maggie of course. being the nosy one she followed me in the room to barrage me with questions:

"What was that trix? you and mike? san ba kayo galing? bakit kayo basa?"
"Mags, ang daming tanong isa isa lang ganto yun, pinasyal ko lang siya kasi aga naming nagising eh tulog pa naamn kayo so hindi na namin kayo ginising."
" really? may gusto ka kay mike noh?"
"ha??? ako kay mike??? wala kaya..." i lied
"wala daw obvious kaya, pati sila erick, daren and bing napapansin eh."
"sabihin mo sa kanila kalalaking tao mga chismoso, wala yun we're just plain friends, chaka hindi naman ako ang gusto nun eh, ikaw eh.
"ok, eh wala namang akong gusto dun noh? chaka may boyfriend ako di ba?at aba defensive ha! pero just so you know, no hard feelings ok trix, i give you all my blessings! if it means anything to you. kung may ibang dapat na maging girlfriend si mike, it should be you. ok?"
"psssh! mags, kung ano ano sinasabi mo! sige na maghanda ka na din bihis muna ko para makkain at maka alis na din."
"ok, im jsut saying trix. its ok for you to like mike. ok?"
"kulit mo! sige na alis na, bihis na ko!." i smiled at her.

As i was changing, it all came back to me, everything went really fast today, i mean that whole two hours was just something aint it? it was too much for me to digest even. ganun ba ka obvious na may gusto ako kay mike? and maggs, giving me her "ok" signal to go for mike? gosh, nakakahiya. i mean what would mike think? halata niya na din kaya? ok, ok nakakahiya na to, basta from now on i have to play it cool, i have to act like he's one of the guys like daren and erick.. pero teka that'd be hard, but i'll try my best and if i cant do it then iwas nalang ako... that's really sad though, but its ok i'd rather have him as a friend than not to have him at all.

my unforgettable summer part 2

2006-05-31T14:47:00.000-07:00

"Ang init!!! ang traffic pa!" shouted maggie from the back of the van.

yes, yes unfortunately she came along because apparently her boyfriend went to hongkong to visit his family so yeah i was stuck with her. Along came more our friends for the trip.. there's a good friend of mine bhing and then mike's cousin erick and one friend Daren also came and of course there's maggie, me and my sister. We all took mike's van.

"Mike palakas naman ng AC!"
"Just open your windows mags, its too hot anyway tas traffic pa sayang sa gas" I hollred from the front seat."
"hindi ok lang, i'll just turn up the AC" said mike sheepishly.

Kakainis ang arte naman kasi eh! and ito namang si mike sunod naman ng sunod. Whew! i wonder how this trip would turn out. It's a good thing that i was able to make my mom agree on this trip, kung hindi lang sa tulong ni nanay (my lola) i dont think this is going to happen.

"Naku Cristina delikad ang mga beach beach na yan, cargo ko pa yang mga barkada mo."
"pero ma, kaya nga summer eh para naman may outing kami di ba? at least kila nanay."
"eh paano kung hindi pumayag ang lola mo?"
"papayag yun, weekend lang naman kami dun eh, besides halos dun kami mag stay sa may beach house ni tita alice, i already asked her too you know."
"Naku ikaw ang bahal ikaw ang kumausap sa lola mo."
"Basta ma, kapag pumayag tuloy kami ha?? please???
"o siya siya, basta si mike ang driver ha, lam mo naman na dun lang ako may tiwala sa pagmamaneho, at magsabi ka din sa daddy mo."
"thanks mom!"

Of course it wasnt a problem asking permission from my dad. if my mom says that its ok then it means its a go. so after that here we are stuck in traffic sa south super highway. I wonder why they have to call it south super highway anyway, when it always jammed anyway. i think the fastest that you could go here is 80 km/h or less. hooo!!! ang init pa.

"ikaw trix you ok?" asked mike, looking at me like it was his responsibility to ask.
"yeah im fine, mainit nga lang and i dont thing the AC's gonna work anyway, masisira lang yung van. Ey you all. patayin ko na yung AC ah, its not working anyway, just open you damn windows para walang reklamo ok?" and all i heard was all groans from the back of the van.
"basta i got shotgun pauwi so i could have the AC all to myself." muttered Maggie.

GRRR!!! pati ba naman pwesto ko sa upuan inagaw pa, kanya na nga yung guy, pati ba naman kasi AC!!! i shouldn't have invited her in the first place, pero naisip ko na din kasi na baka kapag nalaman niya na we've gone for the weekend magtampo pa, i mean i didnt even know that she'd actually go, knowing how clingy she is with her guy, i was just being nice but this time i think im being too nice!

So there we are stuck in traffic until everybody just got tired of waiting and went to sleep but me. siymepre samahan ko si mike noh... there was nothing to talk about, i was just staring outside when mike interrupted my sight seeing.

"psst.."he whispered, "you think she really is sleeping?"
i lokked at the back and just shrugged my shoulders "ewan.'
"cute niya matulog noh."
"ewan ok lang."

hay naku sobrang insensitive! i just turned the music up, just so we wont have anymore awkward converstation, good thing it was a eraserhead song "alapaap" i just started singing with it.

"gusto mo bang sumama? paparapapapapapapa!"
"lam mo trix leave the singing to e-heads nalang."
then i wacked him on his back, "yabang" ignored him and started singing again.
then he turned it down a bit "ano ba mike nakanta yung tao eh."
"kwentuhan nalang kasi tayo eh. para hindi naman ako antukin."
"ok sige like what (please god not maggie again)
"ummm ikaw naman pagkwentuhan natin, i mean may boyfriend ka na noh?" he said teasingly.
"Nyek! if i do have one kasama ko na yun ngayon noh, for a summer getaway!"
"o sige manliligaw? meron?"
"meron din naman, kaso lang hindi pa din ako sure kung seryoso eh."
"Meron nga??? kelan pa to.? is it serious? kilala ko ba?"
"yeah you do, you definitely do."
AYYYY! ganun then how come i dont hear about this guy?"
"eh kasi nga i dont want to spoil it mamya dal dal ako ng daldal about him hindi naman pala seryoso."
"so sino nga?' he asked sounding irritated.
"ok, pero wag ka maingay ah secret lang.. yung friend ni Daren si errol. yung ka team mate mo sa basketball."
"Si Errol? seryoso ka? eh babaero yun eh" then he gave me a wierd look that ive never seen before, was it jealousy? was he laughing at me? i dont know. all i know is he looked at me in a weird way.
"Hay naku for now i dont care yet kasi hindi naman important yun eh, i'll let you know for updates."
"Asus! wala yun hindi yun seryoso lokohin ka lang nun."
"Hey that's for me to find out."

Well, as for errol i dont know his deal but yeah he keeps on calling this past few days and sending me text messages on sweet nothings, asking me if i ate yet, stuff like that, but i havent actually given much thought about it, not until mike became weird talking about it. hmm seryos nga kaya si errol? well i dont know guess i really have to find out. and so for the whole entire trip mike became really quiet, wierd nga eh, it seems like he was in deep though prang space out lang na nag dadrive, so i chose not to bother him nalang and went back to singing.. wait not singing out loud but singing to myself at least!

After 3 more hours of driving we finally got there, my lola was there and she was oh so happy to see me! tagal na din naming hindi nagkita eh. it was about nightfall when we got there.

"Nay! ang haba ng biyahe ang traffic eh."
"naku, eh lagi namang ganun eh, halika papasukin mo mgakaibigan mo at nakahain na sa loob. halika kayo pasok kayo mamya niyo na ipasok yung mga gamit niyo, magpahinga muna kyo at kumain siguradong pagod na kayo."

So dinner was already set on the table and we ate heartily, ang sarap ng ulam eh, and kwentuhan kaming lahat about the trip and made plans on where we're going and what we wanted to do the next day, lahat excited. but you can tell that everybody was already tired especially mike.

"Si Daren ag lakas humilik!" he said to Daren. everybody just looked at Daren and started laughing at the same time.
"uy hindi ah, hindi ako yun, si bhing yun eh nakanga nga pa nga siya eh ganto oh (he even demonstrated how bing was sleeping).
"Naku, tong mga batang to oh, sige na bilisan niyo na kumain diyan ng mai akyat niyo na mga gamit niyo maaga kayong gumsing para makapunta kayo sa aplya bukas ng umaga, tixie tulungan mo na sila kung san sila matutulog ha, maglatag nlang kayo, bahala nakyo wag kayo mahihiya ah."

And with that, my nanay went upstairs to go sto sleep herself i could tell that she was trired from preparing for our arrival. so we all finished our meal and helped each other with our luggages of course mike being extra helpful to maggie, kakainis talaga! Why do i even have to see it in action you know? yung exacto pa talaga.. yung tipong nakatitig pa si mike kay maggs with this puupy dog look nakakainis.

"Huy Trix! baka matunaw si mike! kaw ha! Yiheee! mike si trix oh mukang kakainin ka ng buhay!" that was erik, and he caught me staring. oopsss
"ano ba erick! mind your own business nga sige na akyat na tulog na tayo."

so we all went and did our night rituals and of course the guys just passed out i mean seriously it was like in a count 10 or not even i think they were just goners! si mike hindi nagiisip pa din and as i was checkin on everyone i heard him say through the dark.

"night trix... thanks for staying with me for the whole entire drive, sweet dreams."

i could just die right there. i know im goingto have agood night's sleep, i cant wait what tommorrow has for everyone of us.

my unforgetable summer part 1

2006-05-30T21:17:00.000-07:00

so here iam staring at my pc still wondering what to write about... ARGGGHHH!!! summer's almost here and i can feel it! but all this homeworks, deadlines, projects and of course not to mention my finals.. it just ruins everything you know? but i cant wait.. i mean it's just been so hectic this semester, i didnt even had the chance to talk to any of my friend.. not even mike...

I wonder how he's doing right now? and what are his plans for the summer? "OMG! Cristina! space out nanaman!" Shoot, that's one of the reason why i stayed pre occupied for the whoke entire semsester was to stay away from him, well at least i have a valid reason on why i was avoiding his phonecalls, usually i would say "sorry mike ha, may deadline kasi ako na tinatapos eh." or some lam excuse on how busy iam. I just got tired of him and the never ending drama of him and Maggie. Ok, now i really have to focus on my paper.

Following morning i was just exhausted! good thing i was able to finish my research paper. Whew! i just have one final left and i can have my freedom! and so to cut the long drama short i finished my finals in a flash and decided to just take the bus home and start my summer early, i dont know maybe a run in the park would do me good, smell of fresh air or something.

So here iam on the bus and as usual my thoughts came back to mike and maggie. well, the last i heard maggie was getting serious with her new guy and is very happy. mike on the other hand although we had a few pleasantries, i really dont know what was going on with him, maybe he got tired of calling me, or i dont know maybe he's just busy with school, i mean i know how school can get nasty with homework right? baka naman may bagong girlfirend? heck! wag naman sana! my thoughts were interrupted when the bus that i was on stopped in a halt.

"manong? ano nanagyri?"
"naku trapik mam."
"Grrr!!! ang aga naman ng traffic!" well i guess im not the only one who has the idea of starting the summer early.
"Sige manong lakarin ko nalang lapit na naman yung kabilang sakayan eh, sa tabi lang."

So i started walking, and when i got to the next station, there already was a line.. "Shit!" everything is just not good. ano ba naman 'to and i really thought i was to a good start. so there i was cursing to myself when there was a tap on my shoulder.
"Hi miss, pwede makipagkilala?"
"Alam mo kung wala kang magawa.... Oh shoot! Hi mike!!! i thought it was someone else" and i was about to cuss him out, good thing i turned.
"Ang sungit mo naman pala sa personal." he said smiling.
i just smacked him on the back and told him " naku, its a good thing i turned i could've smacked you you know?"
"eh bakit ba kasi kunot yang ulo mo eh, first day ng summer vacation?"
i dont know, everything is just... basta ang panget lang ng simula, kasi ang traffic, ang init tas may pila pa!"
"Oh my! trix, sige ganto nalang why dont we have merienda before we head home, so you could start over with a good summer pwede ba yun?"
"Umm... sige na nga!"

Ok, ok to all the heaven's above. i thank thee!!! i couldnt ask for anything more than this.. ito ang tinatawag na "Heck of a starter for the summer!" so we chose mickey d's for our first romantic date (Ha! i wish!) i just ordered my favorite which is a caramel sunday (Yum!) and him being a guy ordered.. heck i dont know dami eh, there's a big mac and spaghetti and all sorts... so there i was lingering with my spoon when he asked

"so what are your plans for the summer?"
"umm, i dont know yet, running, beach siguro somthing fun... ewan ko pa...
then it clicked on me
"hey outing kaya tayo lahat sa beach? what do you say?
"hmmm ok yun ah, pero san?
"well, my lola has a houise in batangas, i guess we could all stay there and i dont think that we're all going to have any problems looking for a beach. ano?"
this is when he got kinda excited...
"I dont think that's a bad idea at all, sige ill make a few phone calls who wants to go and then you go ahead and call you lola that we're coming."

After then, we started planning everything and of course both of us got really excited i mean imagine how excited i am! finally beach with mike! wow! thank you God for summer! so yeah we were planning on what stuff to bring, who's coming and of course when the big date is, so after all the hype talk about the beach thing, medyo nag relax na kami ng konti and i guess we just started talking about normal stuff.

"So, how was this semester for you ok?"
I just exhaled took a spoonfull of my sundae and said "ok lang though it was really tiring and busy, but i had fun naman, and you how was it?"
"busy din as usual, Aha! teka is it really school?, kunyari ka pang busy ng school, siguro busy ka sa guys noh?"
"Sira! guys ka diyan! i was just so pre occupied then, i mean you know how it is. and i thought our conversatiuon was just getting personal when he popped the most annoying question;
"eh si mags kamusta?"
this is unbelievable! mags nanaman??? after all this time?grrrr.. batukan ko na kaya tong taong to?
"ah.. si mags? last i heard she's happy with this guy that she's with... he's a bit older than she is though."
"Ganun? so sa tingin mo kaya trix talaga kayang masaya na siya?"
then that's what really ruined the afternoon, i mean that's it! i just had enough with the maggie drama you know?! ang manhid kasi eh...
"Ummm mike, i think we better be going late na din eh. baka mas mahaba na yung pila mahirapan lang tayo umuwi." I said this i just started gathering all my stuff, i didnt even finish muy sundae, i lost my appetite.
"Oh, ayaw mo na? sayang naman yung sundae mo. chaka bakit ka naka kunot?"
"Im just tired ok? basta tara na!"
"oo nga kelangan pa natin asikasuhin yung outing. dont worry i'll call everyone up ok? tara?"
"oo nga sabi ko di ba?!
"sungit talaga nito." and then he just did one of those killer smiles of his. Damn! why does he have to do that anyway! and as usual he still is clueless about my mood change.

so for the whole entire trip home i pretended that i was asleep, what he doesn't know was that how awake i was. i was just thinking you know? i thought he had forgetten about her, but guess not, i guess that was all wishful thinking. But all those excitement for nothing. i thought that we had a chance oh wait.. i thought "I" had a chance... ok ok i have to relax, siguro for me it would be enough to have him there, i guess it would be enough to be with him even if he aches for someone else... is it? now my only problem for now is to just ask my mom and my lola about trip, hindi pa nila alam na may plans kami eh.. i hope my mom would say yes... and if she does i wonder how our trip would turn out???

reality bites

2006-05-28T22:09:00.000-07:00

it always is good going back to those wonderful times nung una kong nakilala si mike. It was like a fairytale come true, and of course everyday is always a pleasure of recounting all the wonderful events that happened, every single one was always a memorable one for me. kahit mga kababawan namin nung maliliit pa kami, even as i recount it now that i'm 25 still does give me the "kiligs", may it be good or bad, it still feels like ithappned yesterday...

My jaw was left hanging open as i was reading my text message, even I myself cannot believe what i just have read. it said: "trix can you call me, it's really important! mags, just brokeup with me." I honestly felt nothing, shouldn't i be happy now that they're finally done? eh bakit parang ang bigat ng feeling ko... i felt so bad for mike, i mean i just knew how much she loved maggie.

"Hello? Mike." i know it's a stupid question but you ok?"
"why trix? binigay ko naman lahat di ba? i waited for her, i did everything for her and yet it still wasn't enough."
"i dont know mike, i guess we just have to let this one go, we both know that you loved her but i guess it just wasnt enough for both of you."
"2 years trix, all this for two years!"
"Its alright Mike, madami naman diyan you just have to look around, mamya nasa harap mo na hindi mo pa alam."
"i dont know what to do trix... ang labo ni mags, she says she needed space and i gave her that and then just like that she said she realized that she wants it more to be by herself."
"It's ok mike, it's all going to be ok."

And yes, of course we were both on the phone for until the wee hours in the morning, him ranting about how he wasted his two years of loving someone that didnt love him back. God! like i dont know that feeling! Hello!? Mike hint, hint... didnt i just said that the right person might just be infront of you and you dont even know it? But i have to let him hear my "inspirational" words, he just doesn't know how much i was being hurt on hearing him talk about some girl...(well, of course it wasnt just come girl, she's my good friend! which hurt more! Parang i felt like something hit me in the face and before you even knew what was going on, you never did found out what hit you.. labo di ba? pero that was how i felt. Pero siyempre i have to pretend that im being strong for him, trying to convince him that everything is going to be ok and you know, we might never know that mags might change her mind. I was acting like a good 'ol friend should act, kahit na dinudurog na ko!
Basta i justhave to tell him all the good stuff to make him feel better, lahat ng makapagpapagaan ng loob niya sinabi ko na yata.

The next day i was facing a different drama, drama naman ni mags:

"Trix, you can never believe how dramatic he can be! Imagine crying infront of me, i mean i know that he loves me and i loved him, but i just... oh! i dont know i'm just not happy anymore.. lam mo yun?"
"well, you cant blame him, he loves you so much you know... of course being a man he'll fight for what he belives in and being that he'll fight for both of you... yun nga lang he's fighting alone."
"hey, dont be taking his side, im your friend right?it's just too much for me, nakaka suffocate, i need space!"
"I know mags, i understand, nakakaawa lang naman yung tao."
"naku! if you could only see him, you'd be scared, kasi he was really being histerical, but i stood my ground and i said that i we cant be together anymore and that's final."

And then she kept on goin on and on about how they broke up and how pathetic mike was and everything and i was just there staring into space and trying to think, i mean how can you not love a man who almost gave you his all? how can you just wake up one morning after two years of being together and just feel like it's all over for both of you? sigh!

"Trix! trix naman! nakikinig ka ba?" c'mon now, im pouring my heart out, tas all you do is space out."
"Sorry Mags, ha... kulang lang ako sa tulog eh and besides i'm not feeling good can we just talk about something else..." (nawalan na ko ng gana!)
"Ok, ok, so much for drama, something different naman.. you know what i met this one guy sa mall...blah blah blah"

she what????!!! after saying that she met someone else, i think i lost her after that... how dare her!!! i mean how insensitive could she get... i mean si mike, he's still trying to recuperate and here she is announcing to the whole entire universe that she already is available!!! ARRRRGGGHHH! i just dont understand....

"Ah talaga? ummm.. mags, can we just hang out some other time talagang hindi na din kasi maganda yung pakiramdam ko eh."

Then i just stood up, left her speechless, and i dont even care what the heck she was thinking, i just stood up and went to my room, locked the door, i lay in my bed and then stared at the ceiling, and again started wondering...why cant he love me the way that she loves her? is it because im just always one of the boys, do i always give that vibe towards the male species? am i just another ear for them to pour their heart out?... nakakapagod na, but then again why do i always end up being there for him even if he's not there for me?

This is when tears started welling up... it's stupid but i started feeling sorry for myself and started asking myself, am i ugly? hindi nga ako siguro yung girlfirend type, i mean why do guys want their hearts to be broken anyway? bakit hindi nalang sila dun sa taong mamahalin sila? This is why i always space out, too many questions and they 're always left unanswered. and i thought falling inlove was easy! pfft! well, that is if the person that you've fallen in love with can see where you're looking from...

wake up call

2006-05-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrinnnngggggggg!!! that was my wake up call, damn! i really hate getting up early. well a bunch of us are going jogging today.. well a bunch of my gal pals and some mike's freinds' as well, we have been hanging out a lot lately too i noticed...

It's just annoying that most of the time he talks nothing but about maggie. It's always "maggie this and maggie that" i mean dont get me wrong i love mags, she's one of my best friends, but i'm starting to get annoyed that everytime it was just all about her.... haaayyyy! i wonder when will be the time that it's going to be my turn?

Anyway, i dont want to ruin the morning with this well, we're going out to have a run with my sister and another girlfriend. we have this stupid contest, its so funny, it goes like this

"ok, so whoever wears the same color of shirt that mike has on, it means that that's his soul mate!"

some stupid game dont you think? but it was actually fun you know doing it with my sister and our friend. thinking that if he wears the same shirt then i guess we both think alike. something like that.

So here i am trying so hard to get out of bed, and let me tell you, it was not easy and i was trying to wake my sister up and it was bad for her too.

"Ate, arent we suppose to sleep in more? eh bakit tayo nagising ng maaga?"
"just get up and it'll be fun."

so there we were the three of us walking towards the park and low and behold mike and the rest of his crew were already there. grabe! our game, the soulmate game.. guess who won??? I DID! we were both wearing the same shade of shirt! hahahaha! mhen! was that a wake up call or what... i was just staring at two of my companions with my tongue out.i know, i know.. its "mababaw" right, but can you blame me? i mean we sometimes do that right? heck i dont know!

so yeah they were already there at the park playing balland when we got there, and he saw us they just asked us if we're ready to go and so we did. We started down the park trail for the walk and knowing Mike he walked right next to me.

"so, asan si mags?"

damn! Mike ang aga naman agad ng mags mo!!! grrr!

" Oh You know mags, she's not the morning person ( like iam?)
"ha! Guess not! sayang it would've been better if she's here di ba?"
"Yeah, definitely."

So after the trail walk we decided to stop by the small pond to kick it and since the sun was getting hotter we all decided to call it off. Well, i was just sitting by the pond and the rest of them were just messing with each other and trying to have fun with the wonderful weather and of course with breeze and the water everything was just almost perfect. then i looked at him again, seems like his in deep thought... sino kaya iniisip nito? sino pa kaya! then i went back to daydreaming again.. when will he notice me? or the right question wold be is "will he ever notice me?"

"Huy trix!, what the heck mukang lalim ng iniisip natin ah... tsk tsk..."
"He! what do you care anyway?"

he suddenly interruped my thoughts i didnt even realize i was far off.

"Let's head home the rest of them are getting hungry."
"Ok, i know it's getting late anyway and i know my sister should be getting hungry any minute now."
"wow, you know how to cook?"
"ever since i was in my elementary."
"swerte naman ng magiging boyfriend mo."
"umm, i guess so, the one that i really want dont even know i exist..."
"whoa! so you have a special someone!" So who's the lucky guy?"
"Naku, he's none of you business... Ysa! ( calling my sister) we should go!
" C'mon trix, but ok then i'll let this one slide...but i'll find out sooner or later!'
"Che!, ysa c'mon let' go home. i'll see you all later you guys!"

and as my sister and i were walking home i was thinking.. damn! that was almost a slip, i almost told him i like him! shoot! but sometimes im getting so impatient and so frustrated! why is he inlove with someone who he cant have anyway when he can have me?

a memorable stroll

2006-05-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

Everybody wants to have their own happy ending di ba? and you know ever since i was a little girl I've always dreamt about wearing a beautiful long white dress married to the man of my dreams, live a simple life with kids and a house. I mean, is that hard or what?
well, my story began one day when I decided to have a stroll with a good friend of mine in our quiet subdivision in Cavite. you know every late afternoon it was nice to have a decent stroll. My freind Maggie (not her real name) started sharing a stroy about this one guy that asked her out. she said

"He's really nice you know, and he's willing to wait for me to be single again."
well, you know my friend maggie is the type of girl that is never single. lagi siyang may boyfriend. and I, on the other hand was the one who's always singled out. :(

"So, did you tell him that you're seeing someone?"
"yeah i did but he didnt mind though, he's actually taking me to meet his mom tommorrow."
"whoa! teka... that fast??? whos' this guy ba and where's he from?"
"ano ka ba???!!! he's from around here sa kabilang subdivision lang and he's been here all his life was just surprised that we havent seen him you know, since we always do this afternoon stroll."
"are you in the leat bit interested in this guy, mags?"
"umm, i already told him that iam on a serious relationship right now, kaya lang mapilit eh, he'll wait daw."

and so we started talking about the guy, how they met and all those details. He's name's michael, and quite frankly i was really surprised that he's been living almost next door and i never even knew he existed! and from what I've heard he's pretty cute. That was what maggie told me. He came from a pretty well off family. His mom's a chemist and they run their own lab and they have a huge house too. Aha!!! so that's where he lives at! that big white house right next to the Chapel, I didnt even know that someone actually lives there.

"Huy, ano ka ba? nag space out ka nanaman!" maggie nudged at me.
"Oh sorry, I was just surprised that you know he practically lives next door and i dont even know, kinda wierd you know?"
"Don't worry you'll meet in.. 10 minutes!"
"Ha??? did you asked them to join us??!! Mags naman!"

And as i said this two guys, were walking towards us. One guy was about 5'11 in height with fair skin and wait... wearing a yellow shirt??? what the heck was he thinking??? and the other one was a little bit taller and looks much younger and has darker complexion.i was again deep in thought when maggie interrupted me.

"trix, i want you to meet michael and his cousin gabby."

For the first time i was literally speechless, the guy standing infront of me was hella cute, although he was wearing a yellow nike shirt... (he can actually get away with any kind of shirt) i dont even know why i was stammering so bad.

"huy trix! si mike and si gabby sabi ko.""oh.. ah.. hello!"

Hello? what was that?... but i cant think of anything smarter to say but hello. Mike was just cute you know, in his own kinda way... he has this amazing brown eyes that turns hazel when sunlight strikes on it. he has a "killer" smile and im a sucker for guys with adorable smiles.. i dont know! everything about him is just what i want my someone to be...

Guess i could call that night a walk to remember in a cheesy kinda way... i just knew then that i fell for him i just dont know if he did too.