So, What happened last night shook me up! i felt happy and at the same time sad, more sad than ever.. so what's going to happen now? im happy to know that he does love me still but at the same time what am i going to do with that? im leaving soon and plus he does have a girlfriend. haaayyy! ewan ko na lalong ang gulo. maybe i should just leave everything as it is for now, ill let him sleep on it and maybe then we'll be able to figure out something...
So Sunday morning, i had a hearty breakfast with the family, my parents decided that they are going to spend the weekend over at our province to take care of some paperwork so my sister and I have the house to ourselves. at last, peace!!! Much needed one. i was planning out my day when my cell phone went off...
"trix!" it was ange on the other line. "punta kami diyan mamya ah...since lapit ka na din namang umalis might as well spend as much time as possible di ba? diyan na din kami matutulog, we'll be there in an hour or so." she said.
"ok, gie no prob. i'll see you guys when you get here, tamang tama solo ko bahay, wala sila mommy eh, uuwi sa batangas may mga aasikasuhin daw."
"ok gie ill see you then!"
so i cleaned the house and prepared lunch for the crew, told my mom that my friends are coming over for the weekend. They were cool about it because they like my friends anyway. FYI: almost
half of the day havent heard anything from mike yet...*Sigh* oh well, dadating naman ang mga friends ko so i guess, ill just concetrate on them and tell them what the heck just happened last night. As soon as my folks were out the door, i immediately flopped down the couch and again my thoughts went back to the conversation last night, that was something that i wasnt expecting. i wasnt even nearly prepared for it. ano ba to??? wala na ba kong gagawin sa buhay kungdi tumanganga at magisip??? this is really getting ridiculous!!! isip ako ng isip eh iniisip ba naman ako? darn it!!!
So my friends came and we had lunch, It was Angie, Carol, ninya and Tere that came and told them what happened, sa lunch table:
"so ano na ngayon ang gagawin ko?" i asked them, after telling them of the conversation.
"eh ano bang magagawa mo, eh aalis ka din naman, isa pa may girlfriend din yung tao." ange said with her mouth half full of food.
"chaka what good will it do for you guys kung magkabalikan man kayo? baka masaktan ka lang." carol, one of my good friends mentioned as well."
"pero, wala naman din kasi binanggit si mike na nakikipagbalikan siya di ba? so why think so much about it?" ange said.
"ewan ko ba, basta parang naguluhan lang lalo ako nung sinabi niya yun sa kin." i said as i was staring at my plate and playing with my leftovers.
"lam mo trix wag ka makinig sa mga bitter na to, whatever you feel like you have to go with your instincts ika ka nila, konting panahon ka nalang dito, then be happy and just go with it."tere said as she reached for the kanin.
si ninya naman may ibang opinion din: "lam mo trix, ang feeling ko diyan kay mike, may feelings yan sa yo, sad to say yung gf niya ngayon, i think he just used her to get over you.. sorry ah im just beinbg truthful or else bakit pa niya yun sasabihin sa yo di ba? at kung talaga ngang masaya na siya sa gf niya bakit nakuha ka pa din niyang tawagan?'
"korak" tere exclaimed giving ninya a high five
and so the debate and the bantering went on and on on how this issue should be handled, it funny to watch and hear their thoughts, parang yung mga iniisip ko lang nasasabi nila out loud, kaya mas masaya lang na nakikinig ka lang.
carol asked, "trix, simba tayo tonight and then maybe we could swing by errols place." she asked me this because they played pool one time and they kinda of hung out.
"sige punta tayo sa kanila after church pero uwi na din tayo after ah?" i answered.
"teka trix, di ba lapit lang yung bahay nila mike dun kila errol?" angie asked.
I cant believe that she can remember this and the answer:
"oo magkatabi lang din sila ng bahay." i answered quite nervously.
"eh baka naman magkita pa kayo ni mike niyan ah." carol interjected.
"malabo na yun, weekend ngayon eh baka nasa gf niya yun for sure." i said sadly, with a hint of hope to see him tonight. I haven't seen him in months now. I stood up and walked in the living room and went straight to the mirror and started thinking while looking at myself."tagal na din naming hindi nagkikita. ang laki na ng binago ng ichura ko, haba na buhok ko, will he like it? kung makita niya? nasa bahay kaya siya mamya?"
"HUY!" angie jumped from behind me, interrupting my thoughts. "iniisip mo si mike noh?"
"wag ka na maingay jan gie, baka madinig ka nila carol maigi na yung ako nalang din or tayo nalang din ang may alam. ewan ko gie hindi ko din ma sabi yung pakiramdam ko ngayon eh, parang excited ako na hindi, na takot na at the same time asa pa, na kinikilig na parang highschool ulit... ang labo.. pero di ba asa pa naman ako dun?"
"naku trix, ithink you still love him... ay, wait, no i dont think pala i know!.." she said.
and so we went to church, ang haba ng mass, with the sermon and all parang hindi na matatapos, pero parang ang sama ko na din kasi parang i want it to be done ASAP! parang hindi na din ako maka antay. and then when the mass was finally over...
"o san na tayo? tara na kila errol?" carol asked.
"sige kayo, ako naman eh passenger lang." i said quietly taking the back seat. i navigate our way to errol's house. pag dating namin dun, we all came out of the car and knocked on his gate. good thing he came out at once.
"oh trix? balita?" he asked surprised.
"eh eto sila carol gusto ka daw dalawin eh, so i took them out here., ok lang ba? baka kasi naabala ka naman namin." i asked.
"ano ka ba? hindi noh, ive been bored anyway, tara dun tayo sa kubo he said, pointing to the small nipa hut "tamabayan" on the vacant lot infront of their house.
everybody went walking that way, and then ayun na walang humpay na kwentuhan at kamustahan on how everythis is. I, pn the other hand was just quiet, just staring into space. naiisip ko " wala nga siguro si mike." and then:
"trix, gusto mo tignan ko kung andyan si mike?" errol asked me.
"ummm, wag na rol, baka kasi wala din siya diyan eh, tas baka tulog na din may pasok pa naman din bukas. ok lang." i answered. well i guess my face is saying the opposite thing, because he starred walkin towards mike's house.
"mike?! mike?! tita andyan po ba si mike?" he asked mike's mom as she peered out the gate."
and then everything was just muffled sounds i cant understand and i cant even hear what they were saying because my heart "Boom boom boom!" my heart was way louder that the music that was playing from carol's car that was parked infront of us. sobrang kabado ako, i swear i think my friends can hear my heart beating 100 miles a minute. and then Errol came back.
"o andyan na daw, bibihis lang daw and then lalabas na daw siya."
for the first time i was speechless, i was just speechless! wala akong masabi, parng mas mabilis mag isip yung utak ko kesa sa buka ng bibig ko! i was still trying to find words when i suddenly saw him walking our way, i cant even describe you how elated and how happy i was nung nakita ko siyang naglalakad towards where we at... again.. tulala nanaman ako..
"hi trix. kamusta? he said softly.
i was just staring as in titig ah.. not unti angie nudged me from behind. "trix kamusta daw!"
'hi ok lang ikaw?" i said meekly.
"trix? can we talk?" he asked offering his hand.
I took it, and dang was my hands shaking not to mention cold and clammy. we alked slwoly away from our crowd and settled in a corner of this street. with the lights low.
he held my hand tightly and i held his, like it really belonged together. "ganun pa din kamay mo pawis when youre nervous."
"yeah i know, good to see you, you know. its been awhile na din." i said.
"same here, ang haba na din ng buhok mo ah.. it suits you, just keep it like that.
then awkward moment ulit... then we started talking again, parang yung dati, about school, friends, kung ano na pinagkaka abalahan namin and so on.. and then we started talking about me leaving.
"aalis ka na noh? kelan?" he asked his facial expression changed from being happty to sad.
"soon. wala pa ding definite date e, basta sabi ni mommy ASAP daw, as soon as makahanap siya ng place where we can stay then we can leave. mike, im so sorry for the things that i've done. hindi ko sinasadya, laht ng mga sinabi ko hindi ko din yun lahat mine mean. im so sorry..." with this i just started crying to him. I talked on and on and cried telling him how much im going to miss him and telling him that i hope that he's happy now. hindi siya nagsalita, he just listened, held me close and never said anything back. He neednt be. when i was finally able to settle down. i looked at him again. this time he was the one who was teary eyed and he said:
"ako din sorry din sa mga nagawa at nasabi ko sa yo. HIndi ko alam na ganun ka na din pala nahihirapan eh, iw as too selfish to admit na may mga mali din on my part. and now it seems its too late for me to tell you na dont go... baka kasi hindi ko makaya, kapag nawala ka na." he said this time there really were tears coming down his cheeks.
"please dont leave me. I love you trix!" he finally said. then he kissed me lightly on my lips. hindi ko na din matandaan what we talked about after that, all i can remember was the sadness and the hurt that both loomed over us, ang daming laman ng isip ko nun, questions that has no definite answers, it was so sad to know that im leaving things like this.
when we got back to the "kubo" they all stopped and looked at us. no one dared asked a question. they knew what went on. but we have to go home one way or the other right? with this we quietly said our goodnights and headed home unsure of what's to come...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Paano na?
I decided to come home to cavite for the weekend, after all i deserve it! plus, the play that i directed was done and over with so i guess i deserve a break. it was one of my much awaited drive home anyway.. as usual the commute was long and tiring but just thinking of home makes it worthwhile.
My folks were in the living room when i got home, it seems like they were in a serious conversation when i walked in. i felt like i was intruding...
"nak, upo ka may paguusapan tayo." my mom said pointing at the couch where i should sit.
"ummm, ok" i said giving them pecks on their cheeks before settling down on the couch.
"napagusapan kasi namin ng daddy mo na since malayo si kuya mo and magisa lang siya sa states...na lumipat na din tayo lahat dun, as soon as possible." she exhaled after saying all this. wait, am i hearing it right? aalis na kami papuntang amerika? not to visit but to actually live there? seems like a good idea, since ayoko na din naman ng atmosphere dito and pretty much everyone has gone their own way, siguro its time na din for me to get away from it all. Wala na din naman si mike he moved on, baka mas makakabuti to sa kin.. sa min...
" ano nak, ano sa palagay mo?" mom ask interrupting my thoughts.
"final na ba yan ma? as in decided na din kayo na lilipat na tayo? san tayo titira and anong work niyo dun?magsisimula tayo ulit?" i asked.
"oo decided na din kami ng mommy mo, hahanap tayo ng matitirahan dun, magsisimula tayo lahat ulit, your mom found a good job there na kasama ang family. so this is going to be a very good opportunity for all of us, plus makakasama na din natin ang kuya mo." my dad said.
"ok dad, states it is." i answered. "but what about school?i just started the semester, sayang naman."
"your mom and i will discuss that, as of now ang final lang is that were all moving ok?" my dad said.
"o sige na nak, magbihis at magpahinga ka na tas kakain na din tayo maya maya." she said.
I went to my room and my sister was sitting on her bed.
"ano, nasabi na sa yo ni mommy?" she asked.
"oo nasabi niya na kanina pag pasok ko."
"so what do you think?"
"ok lang sa kin tutal naman nakakatamad na din dito sa pinas eh, mas magandang change na din siguro dun chaka may kasama na din si kuya di ba?" i said
"sabagay, ok na din sa kin."
"teka bihis lang din ako kakain na din daw tayo, labas ako maya after dinner sabihin ko pala sa barkada na aalis tayo ASAP." i said.
"ay 'te paano si richard? nasabi mo na ba sa kanya?" she asked me.
"hindi pa, pero i know na walang reaksyon yun, may gf na yun eh..." i said. this kind of struck me, paano na nga kaya siya, will he get affected? i really have to get out of the house to go see my friends and tell them what just happend.
"so final na daw ba yan? sabi ng mommy mo?" asked bing in disbelief. we are now by her house hanging out with a bunch of our friends that still couldnt believe that i had to leave so soon, so fast.
"oo daw eh. parang ang bilis nga lang din ng decision nila mommy, pati sa school hindi pa din sure kung matatapos namin tong sem na to." i said.
"wow! napakabilis nga..." bing exclaimed.
"so trix, paano na pinsan ko? does he know that youre leaving?" errol, mike's cousin asked.
"hindi ko lam rol, would just let him know then? can you tell h im also that im so sorry for everything?" with this i got teary eyed all of a sudden. "tell him na binabawi ko lahat ng sinabi ko sa kanya, that i regret all those bad things that i did to him, im happy na din na he found someone to love, and can you give him this as well." i said unclasping the bracelet that i have on my arm, he gave this to me from a long time ago "sabi niya kasi hiram lang eh, so now that im leaving, i know that he would want it back."
"bakit hindi ikaw magbigay?" he asked.
"hindi na, just give it to him and tell him im so sorry for everything." with this i turned my back to him and started crying. it got worse than that i really cried and he just stood there watching me and felt bad for me. sobrang lalo akong nalungkot that im leaving some wonderful people behind.
When i got home that night, as soon as hit the bed, my bedside phone rang it was errol:
"trix, nabigay na yung bracelet mo, and told him na aalis ka na soon."
"anong sabi niya?"
"kinuha lang niya yung bracelet tas sabi lang niya good for you daw, tas yun na yun, umalis na din ako after." there was a long pause.
"ah ganun ba? wala na ding sinabing iba?.. sige rol, thanks ha, pahinga na din ako. it has been a long night." i said
"ay trix, nung sinabi ko kasi yun andun si sheena sa tabi niya, so hindi din kasi ako sure nun kung yun talaga reaksyon niya. pero sige pahinga ka na, bukas nalang ulit. night" and we both hung up after that.
It was almost 2 am when i decided to actually get some sleep, hindi ako makatulog eh, ang dami kong iniisip, parang ang daming laman ng utako, it has been an hour since i hung up with errol and i was just staring at my ceiling when i decided to quit and get some much needed sleep. when..
RRRiiinnnnnggggg..... mhan, too late for phone but i picked it up anyway, i dont want to wake my parents up.
"hello?" i said silently.
"hi" it said on the other line, it was that oh so familiar voice..*kilig*
"hi mike!" parang ang late na ata para tumawag ka ah, what's up?" i asked
"i heard from errol, aalis ka daw, is that true?"
hindi pa man ako nakakasagot i started crying but tried for him not to hear it. "oo eh, tutal naman i guess its about time, i have nothing left and plus sabi ni ma, mas maganda na daw na magsisimula kami ng maayos dun." i was still crying when i was saying this but i was trying to brave it out, if theres such a word.
"hindi ka na din papa pigil?"
"bakit pa? everything's all set."
"kelan ang alis niyo?"
"Soon. hindi ko pa din alam kung kelan eh, wala pang definite date. mike, i just wanna say that iam so sorry for everything, sa pagiging selfish ko, im so sorry for that, sa lahat ng mga sinabi kong masasakit, sa mga ginawa ko. no one deserves that. sorry talaga, and i hope na happy ka na din with her. she's very lucky to have you." and with this it did became obvious that i was crying.
"wala na yun trix, tapos na yun eh, sorry din for everything. is there anyway i can make you stay?"he asked sounding as if he was choking back tears as well.
"wala na mike eh, arrangements have been made, its just a matter of time nalang din." i said. "mike, you know i love you no matter what di ba?" i wish i could honestly say that im happy for you pero nakakalungkot ako, i wish it were me, yun lang." i said between tears.
"trix, you know i always have loved you, hindi na yun magbabago."he said...
My folks were in the living room when i got home, it seems like they were in a serious conversation when i walked in. i felt like i was intruding...
"nak, upo ka may paguusapan tayo." my mom said pointing at the couch where i should sit.
"ummm, ok" i said giving them pecks on their cheeks before settling down on the couch.
"napagusapan kasi namin ng daddy mo na since malayo si kuya mo and magisa lang siya sa states...na lumipat na din tayo lahat dun, as soon as possible." she exhaled after saying all this. wait, am i hearing it right? aalis na kami papuntang amerika? not to visit but to actually live there? seems like a good idea, since ayoko na din naman ng atmosphere dito and pretty much everyone has gone their own way, siguro its time na din for me to get away from it all. Wala na din naman si mike he moved on, baka mas makakabuti to sa kin.. sa min...
" ano nak, ano sa palagay mo?" mom ask interrupting my thoughts.
"final na ba yan ma? as in decided na din kayo na lilipat na tayo? san tayo titira and anong work niyo dun?magsisimula tayo ulit?" i asked.
"oo decided na din kami ng mommy mo, hahanap tayo ng matitirahan dun, magsisimula tayo lahat ulit, your mom found a good job there na kasama ang family. so this is going to be a very good opportunity for all of us, plus makakasama na din natin ang kuya mo." my dad said.
"ok dad, states it is." i answered. "but what about school?i just started the semester, sayang naman."
"your mom and i will discuss that, as of now ang final lang is that were all moving ok?" my dad said.
"o sige na nak, magbihis at magpahinga ka na tas kakain na din tayo maya maya." she said.
I went to my room and my sister was sitting on her bed.
"ano, nasabi na sa yo ni mommy?" she asked.
"oo nasabi niya na kanina pag pasok ko."
"so what do you think?"
"ok lang sa kin tutal naman nakakatamad na din dito sa pinas eh, mas magandang change na din siguro dun chaka may kasama na din si kuya di ba?" i said
"sabagay, ok na din sa kin."
"teka bihis lang din ako kakain na din daw tayo, labas ako maya after dinner sabihin ko pala sa barkada na aalis tayo ASAP." i said.
"ay 'te paano si richard? nasabi mo na ba sa kanya?" she asked me.
"hindi pa, pero i know na walang reaksyon yun, may gf na yun eh..." i said. this kind of struck me, paano na nga kaya siya, will he get affected? i really have to get out of the house to go see my friends and tell them what just happend.
"so final na daw ba yan? sabi ng mommy mo?" asked bing in disbelief. we are now by her house hanging out with a bunch of our friends that still couldnt believe that i had to leave so soon, so fast.
"oo daw eh. parang ang bilis nga lang din ng decision nila mommy, pati sa school hindi pa din sure kung matatapos namin tong sem na to." i said.
"wow! napakabilis nga..." bing exclaimed.
"so trix, paano na pinsan ko? does he know that youre leaving?" errol, mike's cousin asked.
"hindi ko lam rol, would just let him know then? can you tell h im also that im so sorry for everything?" with this i got teary eyed all of a sudden. "tell him na binabawi ko lahat ng sinabi ko sa kanya, that i regret all those bad things that i did to him, im happy na din na he found someone to love, and can you give him this as well." i said unclasping the bracelet that i have on my arm, he gave this to me from a long time ago "sabi niya kasi hiram lang eh, so now that im leaving, i know that he would want it back."
"bakit hindi ikaw magbigay?" he asked.
"hindi na, just give it to him and tell him im so sorry for everything." with this i turned my back to him and started crying. it got worse than that i really cried and he just stood there watching me and felt bad for me. sobrang lalo akong nalungkot that im leaving some wonderful people behind.
When i got home that night, as soon as hit the bed, my bedside phone rang it was errol:
"trix, nabigay na yung bracelet mo, and told him na aalis ka na soon."
"anong sabi niya?"
"kinuha lang niya yung bracelet tas sabi lang niya good for you daw, tas yun na yun, umalis na din ako after." there was a long pause.
"ah ganun ba? wala na ding sinabing iba?.. sige rol, thanks ha, pahinga na din ako. it has been a long night." i said
"ay trix, nung sinabi ko kasi yun andun si sheena sa tabi niya, so hindi din kasi ako sure nun kung yun talaga reaksyon niya. pero sige pahinga ka na, bukas nalang ulit. night" and we both hung up after that.
It was almost 2 am when i decided to actually get some sleep, hindi ako makatulog eh, ang dami kong iniisip, parang ang daming laman ng utako, it has been an hour since i hung up with errol and i was just staring at my ceiling when i decided to quit and get some much needed sleep. when..
RRRiiinnnnnggggg..... mhan, too late for phone but i picked it up anyway, i dont want to wake my parents up.
"hello?" i said silently.
"hi" it said on the other line, it was that oh so familiar voice..*kilig*
"hi mike!" parang ang late na ata para tumawag ka ah, what's up?" i asked
"i heard from errol, aalis ka daw, is that true?"
hindi pa man ako nakakasagot i started crying but tried for him not to hear it. "oo eh, tutal naman i guess its about time, i have nothing left and plus sabi ni ma, mas maganda na daw na magsisimula kami ng maayos dun." i was still crying when i was saying this but i was trying to brave it out, if theres such a word.
"hindi ka na din papa pigil?"
"bakit pa? everything's all set."
"kelan ang alis niyo?"
"Soon. hindi ko pa din alam kung kelan eh, wala pang definite date. mike, i just wanna say that iam so sorry for everything, sa pagiging selfish ko, im so sorry for that, sa lahat ng mga sinabi kong masasakit, sa mga ginawa ko. no one deserves that. sorry talaga, and i hope na happy ka na din with her. she's very lucky to have you." and with this it did became obvious that i was crying.
"wala na yun trix, tapos na yun eh, sorry din for everything. is there anyway i can make you stay?"he asked sounding as if he was choking back tears as well.
"wala na mike eh, arrangements have been made, its just a matter of time nalang din." i said. "mike, you know i love you no matter what di ba?" i wish i could honestly say that im happy for you pero nakakalungkot ako, i wish it were me, yun lang." i said between tears.
"trix, you know i always have loved you, hindi na yun magbabago."he said...
Worth fighting for
After a few weeks, i tried to get over of what i saw. siympre hindi madali yun and there are times na i would text mike, i know it was too pathetic but come to think of it when he was in my place. he was miserable too, ginawa niya din ang lahat to get me back, he literally begged me, but i was too arrogant and too stubborn to take him back. So I guess he got tired of it and decided to move on... so why cant i? eh ako naman ang humingi nito? is it pride? ego? hindi eh, alam ko kung anong feeling to.. i still love him, is it too late? i think it is... pero hindi, ill fight for it like what he did to fight for me. for us...
A beep on my cellphone pulled me from my thoughts...
"hi, kmusta trix, mike hs bin telling me ol bout u.. im sheena by d way, gamit ko ksi cel niya today eh. so hw r u?" it read.
WTF!!!!ano to? i thought at first it was mike, then as i was scrolling down the text hindi naman pala.. ano nanaman to, why the heck are they doing this? more torture? why is she trying to befriend me? ayos to ah..but i thought, sige na nga two can play this game.
"hi. im ok. nice miting u." i replied.
"nga pala mike mentioned dat u lyk fristyle band dw, deyr playing d2 s campus sa wikend, pnta k. bring a date wid u f u lyk." she texted back.
"ah rily.cge il c wat i cn do. tnx!" i replied.
"cge n, wat r sisters for?"
ANO DAW??? sisters daw? since when naging maging sisters ang magkaribal... mahn this is too damn much! does mike know that this is going on? sobra na atang torture to ah... after that i didnt reply back. parang lokohan lang kasi i dont even call my closest friends "sisters" and here she is proclaiming herself... AS IF!!! so after that i went to angie's place nalang to hang out. most of my friends were there, so ayun dun nalang din muna kami, i told them what happened and ange was fuming mad! as in mad!
"what the hell was mike thinking??? bakit niya hinayaan na mag text text yung babae niya sa yo?" she asked me, with her eyes getting bigger as if they were going to come out of their sockets.
"ewan! pero nice naman yung girl eh, shes even trying to invite me sa concert ng freestyle, punta tyo gie!" i answered.
"Cristina! nahihibang ka na talaga?! cant you see theyre both playing you kung hanggang san ka sasakay, ikaw naman sakay na sakay ka...mag isip isip ka naman, have some balls to stand for yourself kinaka wawa ka na nakatanga ka pa din."now she's sounding upset.
"lets just let them be, yaan mo nalang natin, yoko din naman ng gulo." i said as i stood up and went to the kitchen to go get merienda, that issue got me hungry. i prepared some sandwhiches for the crew and went back to the living room. When i did, something was not right. all of them were looking at me, smiling and one of my friends commented,
"ayan trix, ange took care of it, ikaw eh iniwan mo cell mo dito eh..." she said.
"what do you mean?" i asked as i grabbed my cell and checked on the "sent" box. it read.
"hoy mike! si ange to, sabihin m nmn s mgling mong gf n 2migil s kktxt ky trix, thimik n un tao s let her be.pwede pgsbhan mo!!!."
OMG!!! "ANGEEE!!! tinext mo to?" i said holding up my cell on her face.
"Oh bakit naman hindi? kung hindi mo kaya gawin, ill do it for you." she answered and snickered. then the phone beeped again. it read:
"ange, mike to. srry hndi k lm dat she ws txting trix,sensya n, i will tel her."
"nakita mo na? ni hindi pala alam ni mike! i know mike wouldnt do that to me." i said relieved and at the same time felt that pain again, like stab in the heart pain, the yearning pain... basta hirap i describe eh.
Gabi na din kami natapos kila ange, so on my way home siympre yun pa din ang laman ng utak ko.. but oh well, kaya ayokong mag isa eh, kasi i would end up being sad again... so i got to my room humiga and then started thinking again, umiiyak nanamn ako.. pathetic mode nanaman ako... toot toot! my phone beeped.
"hi trx mike to, srry bout d txt ha. u ok?"
let me tell you this when i saw this text yung iyak ko lalong mas grabe, lalong bumaha sa room ko ng luha... God how i wanted to just call him and tell him "please take me back, im so sorry for everything..." but im not in a perfect world and hindi din naman ako pinanganak na wrecker, so as much as i wanted to be with him, i have to stop myself from doing this.
"hi mike, its ok, im ok and tnx! ingat k lagi!" i replied. this is when i started praying for my pain to just go away, sabi ko baka happy na din siya with his life and i guess i have to let go and move on.. as much as this is worth fighting for.. hindi nalang. its hard to fight over something when you know that you've lost already. masakit sobra, but i guess i needed that to be able to move on. para matanggap ko...one thing for sure this is going to be a very sad journey for me...
A beep on my cellphone pulled me from my thoughts...
"hi, kmusta trix, mike hs bin telling me ol bout u.. im sheena by d way, gamit ko ksi cel niya today eh. so hw r u?" it read.
WTF!!!!ano to? i thought at first it was mike, then as i was scrolling down the text hindi naman pala.. ano nanaman to, why the heck are they doing this? more torture? why is she trying to befriend me? ayos to ah..but i thought, sige na nga two can play this game.
"hi. im ok. nice miting u." i replied.
"nga pala mike mentioned dat u lyk fristyle band dw, deyr playing d2 s campus sa wikend, pnta k. bring a date wid u f u lyk." she texted back.
"ah rily.cge il c wat i cn do. tnx!" i replied.
"cge n, wat r sisters for?"
ANO DAW??? sisters daw? since when naging maging sisters ang magkaribal... mahn this is too damn much! does mike know that this is going on? sobra na atang torture to ah... after that i didnt reply back. parang lokohan lang kasi i dont even call my closest friends "sisters" and here she is proclaiming herself... AS IF!!! so after that i went to angie's place nalang to hang out. most of my friends were there, so ayun dun nalang din muna kami, i told them what happened and ange was fuming mad! as in mad!
"what the hell was mike thinking??? bakit niya hinayaan na mag text text yung babae niya sa yo?" she asked me, with her eyes getting bigger as if they were going to come out of their sockets.
"ewan! pero nice naman yung girl eh, shes even trying to invite me sa concert ng freestyle, punta tyo gie!" i answered.
"Cristina! nahihibang ka na talaga?! cant you see theyre both playing you kung hanggang san ka sasakay, ikaw naman sakay na sakay ka...mag isip isip ka naman, have some balls to stand for yourself kinaka wawa ka na nakatanga ka pa din."now she's sounding upset.
"lets just let them be, yaan mo nalang natin, yoko din naman ng gulo." i said as i stood up and went to the kitchen to go get merienda, that issue got me hungry. i prepared some sandwhiches for the crew and went back to the living room. When i did, something was not right. all of them were looking at me, smiling and one of my friends commented,
"ayan trix, ange took care of it, ikaw eh iniwan mo cell mo dito eh..." she said.
"what do you mean?" i asked as i grabbed my cell and checked on the "sent" box. it read.
"hoy mike! si ange to, sabihin m nmn s mgling mong gf n 2migil s kktxt ky trix, thimik n un tao s let her be.pwede pgsbhan mo!!!."
OMG!!! "ANGEEE!!! tinext mo to?" i said holding up my cell on her face.
"Oh bakit naman hindi? kung hindi mo kaya gawin, ill do it for you." she answered and snickered. then the phone beeped again. it read:
"ange, mike to. srry hndi k lm dat she ws txting trix,sensya n, i will tel her."
"nakita mo na? ni hindi pala alam ni mike! i know mike wouldnt do that to me." i said relieved and at the same time felt that pain again, like stab in the heart pain, the yearning pain... basta hirap i describe eh.
Gabi na din kami natapos kila ange, so on my way home siympre yun pa din ang laman ng utak ko.. but oh well, kaya ayokong mag isa eh, kasi i would end up being sad again... so i got to my room humiga and then started thinking again, umiiyak nanamn ako.. pathetic mode nanaman ako... toot toot! my phone beeped.
"hi trx mike to, srry bout d txt ha. u ok?"
let me tell you this when i saw this text yung iyak ko lalong mas grabe, lalong bumaha sa room ko ng luha... God how i wanted to just call him and tell him "please take me back, im so sorry for everything..." but im not in a perfect world and hindi din naman ako pinanganak na wrecker, so as much as i wanted to be with him, i have to stop myself from doing this.
"hi mike, its ok, im ok and tnx! ingat k lagi!" i replied. this is when i started praying for my pain to just go away, sabi ko baka happy na din siya with his life and i guess i have to let go and move on.. as much as this is worth fighting for.. hindi nalang. its hard to fight over something when you know that you've lost already. masakit sobra, but i guess i needed that to be able to move on. para matanggap ko...one thing for sure this is going to be a very sad journey for me...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
When morning comes...
And so I woke up the following day, more depressed than ever, i sat on my bed thinking... "talagang wala na yata 'to, pro bakit ganto pakiramdam ko? im the one who wanted this di ba? then how come i have all these regrets?" I have to drag my whole body to get out of bed and go to class, after all i have a big day today. I have all this projects that i have to take care of, my mind's trying to stay focus on today's tasks. As i was in the shower thinking of things that i still have to take care of, tears were already rolling down my cheeks, until i just started crying.. i let it all out... wala namang makakadinig sa kin eh so ok lang... the shower pretty much drowned my muffled cries.
"oh trix ano naman nangyri sa mata mo? sama ba gising?" angie asked me as i walked in the auditorium door.
"napuyat lang kagabi, hindi ako makatulog eh." i lied. she then looked at me like she heard what i was thinking.
"liar! si mike yan noh? what happened?" she asked. that's what i love about her, she could read me like the palm of her hands. after she asked me that i pulled her to the side to avoid people staring and poured my heart out. Again, iyak to death nanaman ako nun, it felt like i was desperately in need of someone to let it out to. Good thing that i dont have to talk as much kasi i know that no matter what, i know that of all the people, ange is the one who can and will understand what is going on.
"so anong plano mong gawin ngayon." she asked with a sigh after listening to my so called crisis. "hindi ko din alam eh, i guess i just want to see him, talk to him perhaps, puntahan kaya natin sa school? what do you think?" i asked.
"huwwwaaattt??? nasisiraan ka na ba talaga? ganyan ka na ba talaga ka desperate?" she asked, her voice getting a little louder.
"ssshhhh, wag namang maingay." i told her. "sorry pero yun lang din kasi yung alam kong gawin for now eh. please naman gie oh.. samahan mo lang ako, then after that promise ko i'll stop when i find out kung talagang masaya na nga siya.. please..." i begged.
"ok ok fine! naku cristina, basta just this one time ok? after this we're done." she agreed.
"sige let's go after we get out today." i told her as i walked away before she could change her mind.
The day went out fast. but for me it was as slow as a turtle. I just cant wait to see him, talk things out with him. God i miss him! And so we commuted to his school. and then she asked:
"teka what does his sched look like?"
"ummm ewan ko din eh, but i know he should still be in here baka palabas na din yun." i said quite nervous thinking na baka nakauwi na yun.
"you mean to tell me trix, that you dont have the faintest idea what time he gets out of class?" she asked.
"sorry gie, hindi ko naisip yun eh, andito pa yun for sure, its still too early for him anyway." i said.
So as we were arguing we did not even notice that he was walking out of the campus.
"Shet! Trix yan na ang prince charming mo!!!" she exclaimed pointing to where he was coming from. We were quite far though.
As i was trying to ready myself in approaching him i didnt notice that he was with someone. he was holding hands with someone. This, i did not notice for i was so fixated looking at him, missing him...
"Shet gie, may kasama, theyre heading this way.. hide!!!" we dashed and hid behind a rundown jeep. and as we did, ange kept on talking and mumbling words that even i cant decipher anymore, i was just so focused on the fact that he was so near yet so far and... with someone else. I was so focused on staring at his face, God I really do miss him! He looked happy and carefree, that he didnt even notice that we were in fact a few feet away from him. after they were gone...
"O, ayan ah, napagbigyan na kita,siguro naman you'll stop this nonsense di ba?"ange said.
"tara uwi na tayo." i said.
As we commuted our way back to our place, i was completely blank and numb. sounds dumb and pathetic but it did felt like my whole world came crashing down, pinipigil ko lang umiyak kasi nakakahiya sa mga tao, but as soon as we got to my place and ange laid he hand on my shoulder, ayun na, dire direcho na iyak ko nun, ange and I need not to exchange words, hindi na din namin kelangan yun.. alam na namin eh, hindi ko lang din matanggap na that was it. And worse... i cant accept it....
"oh trix ano naman nangyri sa mata mo? sama ba gising?" angie asked me as i walked in the auditorium door.
"napuyat lang kagabi, hindi ako makatulog eh." i lied. she then looked at me like she heard what i was thinking.
"liar! si mike yan noh? what happened?" she asked. that's what i love about her, she could read me like the palm of her hands. after she asked me that i pulled her to the side to avoid people staring and poured my heart out. Again, iyak to death nanaman ako nun, it felt like i was desperately in need of someone to let it out to. Good thing that i dont have to talk as much kasi i know that no matter what, i know that of all the people, ange is the one who can and will understand what is going on.
"so anong plano mong gawin ngayon." she asked with a sigh after listening to my so called crisis. "hindi ko din alam eh, i guess i just want to see him, talk to him perhaps, puntahan kaya natin sa school? what do you think?" i asked.
"huwwwaaattt??? nasisiraan ka na ba talaga? ganyan ka na ba talaga ka desperate?" she asked, her voice getting a little louder.
"ssshhhh, wag namang maingay." i told her. "sorry pero yun lang din kasi yung alam kong gawin for now eh. please naman gie oh.. samahan mo lang ako, then after that promise ko i'll stop when i find out kung talagang masaya na nga siya.. please..." i begged.
"ok ok fine! naku cristina, basta just this one time ok? after this we're done." she agreed.
"sige let's go after we get out today." i told her as i walked away before she could change her mind.
The day went out fast. but for me it was as slow as a turtle. I just cant wait to see him, talk things out with him. God i miss him! And so we commuted to his school. and then she asked:
"teka what does his sched look like?"
"ummm ewan ko din eh, but i know he should still be in here baka palabas na din yun." i said quite nervous thinking na baka nakauwi na yun.
"you mean to tell me trix, that you dont have the faintest idea what time he gets out of class?" she asked.
"sorry gie, hindi ko naisip yun eh, andito pa yun for sure, its still too early for him anyway." i said.
So as we were arguing we did not even notice that he was walking out of the campus.
"Shet! Trix yan na ang prince charming mo!!!" she exclaimed pointing to where he was coming from. We were quite far though.
As i was trying to ready myself in approaching him i didnt notice that he was with someone. he was holding hands with someone. This, i did not notice for i was so fixated looking at him, missing him...
"Shet gie, may kasama, theyre heading this way.. hide!!!" we dashed and hid behind a rundown jeep. and as we did, ange kept on talking and mumbling words that even i cant decipher anymore, i was just so focused on the fact that he was so near yet so far and... with someone else. I was so focused on staring at his face, God I really do miss him! He looked happy and carefree, that he didnt even notice that we were in fact a few feet away from him. after they were gone...
"O, ayan ah, napagbigyan na kita,siguro naman you'll stop this nonsense di ba?"ange said.
"tara uwi na tayo." i said.
As we commuted our way back to our place, i was completely blank and numb. sounds dumb and pathetic but it did felt like my whole world came crashing down, pinipigil ko lang umiyak kasi nakakahiya sa mga tao, but as soon as we got to my place and ange laid he hand on my shoulder, ayun na, dire direcho na iyak ko nun, ange and I need not to exchange words, hindi na din namin kelangan yun.. alam na namin eh, hindi ko lang din matanggap na that was it. And worse... i cant accept it....
Single....
First day of school is always been excited for me, eto nanaman ako on my junior year and so much excited to be back to see my friends.. I already have a long list of things to do and places to go this semester, lalo na ngayon single nanaman ako! yahooo! I just cant quit on thinking billiard nights, getting drunk nights and parties that are endless! all of which my parents and my lola (where i live) have no idea or whatsoever of what is going on with my social life when im in school...
"Angeeee!!!" I screamed across the hallway of our building calling on to my closest friend at school. We were both ecstatic to see each other, we have the same classes yet again. We are inseperable... again! " Trix!!!! oh how was your break?" she asked with so much enthusiam and interest. " ayun same ole, went to the stated to see kuya for three weeks, lam mo na little R&R chaka malayo na din kay you-know-who." i said. "sus talaga ba namang over na yan?" she asked. " oo naman, eh may bago na nga daw gf eh, from what i heard ah." i answered knowingly. and so we changed the subject and continued on with our conversation on how our break went.
For weeks of school i did nothing but party, play pool, get drunk and go to different clubs, 'twas so fun... I always would come home to my lola's house wee hours in the morning with my friends in tow so they could crash for a few hours before heading home.Good thing my lola was so used to the idea of raising 3 boys ( my dad and 2 uncles) that she was used to people coming home butt crack of dawn, minsan i would even lie about the time..(sorry lola!). She would wake up when were trying to tip toe going up to my room and asked what the time is and i would tell her, "aga pa la, 12am pa lang."i would say, even if it was almost 4am, then she would go back to sleep. This went on for months. I dont even know how i survived my classes, let alone yung gastos of going out. Until, just that one day after coming home from a party that i felt sad and so alone...so weird that i almost felt like crying... I mean I have friends that i can call, kaya lang for the first time since our break up i missed him so... i started asking myself "is this all there is? I gave him up for this partyin sh**t?"parang it doesnt make sense, now that im tired of it.
So I woke the follwing day, feeling that i have to revamp my lifestyle, sabi ko i think i've had enough of this. I need to focus more sa school ko and my life, when i realized this, i think i also made a huge realization, tama si mike... he was guiding me, ako lang ang matigas ang ulo, i thought i know better, but now that i've had enough i have nothing but regrets!!! The more that i wanted to changed the more it got lonelier for me... parang kulang na. I missed him so and I cant do anything about it... naisip ko, tahimik na din siya eh, and from what ive been hearing from his friends and from my friends back home, he looked like he's happy and contented na din... which made me realize what i've lost... I so wanted to be with him, call him, say hi to him and most importantly to apologized for all the bad things i've said, that i shouldnt have. ang laki ng pagkakamali ko sa kanya... ang dami ko ding pagkukulang inspite of everything that he did for me. I realized that everything was too late for me... for us!
I busied myself with school and with activities to keep me preoccupied, kahit na deep inside para kong nauupos na candila, parang hindi matapos yung pain. I know my friends can actually see and feel that but they try not to talk to me about it, parang hinayaan lang din nila na mag wallow ako sa sadness, they thought it was just a phase for me. Until one day....
"Ok, so for the english week, Miss Bautista will be directing the play for the class to be presented in two weeks, can you handle such activity Miss Bautista?"my english instructor asked. I was surprised and at the same time dumbfounded that i was given such opportunity. All I can hear are whoot and cheer of my classmates and i just went "yes ma'am, i will do my best." i answered with such nervousness in my voice. And so i went to work right away, as a director of the play, i chose the strongest staff i could get from the class, it was hella work but it was well worth it. It was a good therapy as well coz literally i was so tired that i'd go straight to bed when i get home and then wake up really early to do same thing again. I loved it, being tired all day and never stopping, there never was a stopping point for me. My staff was getting tired of me too, i was coined "the slave driver" coz i would make them work until wee hours in the morning. sadness still ate me all the time towards the end of the day. Then one day, i actually mis text mike thinking it was my staff. i remember vividly what was said on the exchange. "marg, please dont forget to show me the costings tom morning when we meet ok? thanks for hepl and good job today." i hit send and out it went, a little after a minute there was a beep on my phone,. thinking naku may nalimutan nanaman si marg... i was so surprised when i opened my inbox and there it was , it came from mike... sobrang gulat ko, i thought my heart was going to jum out of my throat, parang nanginginig pa yung hands ko when i was about to open my inbox. it read, "hu u?" and then my heart just fell... binura niya na pala ko sa list niya.. i guess i deserve that.. but it hurt so bad that i really got so emotional over it. the tears that i have been fighting off for the longest time started to come out. This is when i realized that i love him still.. i love him so... selfish of me to think or to even feel na i need him back, but one way or the other i have to find a way to talk to him again. i texted back; "sorry wrong sent, trix to, im sorry.." sent. never got a reply back after that... I turned off my lamp and drifted off to sleep holding my cell in my hand hoping that he would at least acknowledge me...never happend....
"Angeeee!!!" I screamed across the hallway of our building calling on to my closest friend at school. We were both ecstatic to see each other, we have the same classes yet again. We are inseperable... again! " Trix!!!! oh how was your break?" she asked with so much enthusiam and interest. " ayun same ole, went to the stated to see kuya for three weeks, lam mo na little R&R chaka malayo na din kay you-know-who." i said. "sus talaga ba namang over na yan?" she asked. " oo naman, eh may bago na nga daw gf eh, from what i heard ah." i answered knowingly. and so we changed the subject and continued on with our conversation on how our break went.
For weeks of school i did nothing but party, play pool, get drunk and go to different clubs, 'twas so fun... I always would come home to my lola's house wee hours in the morning with my friends in tow so they could crash for a few hours before heading home.Good thing my lola was so used to the idea of raising 3 boys ( my dad and 2 uncles) that she was used to people coming home butt crack of dawn, minsan i would even lie about the time..(sorry lola!). She would wake up when were trying to tip toe going up to my room and asked what the time is and i would tell her, "aga pa la, 12am pa lang."i would say, even if it was almost 4am, then she would go back to sleep. This went on for months. I dont even know how i survived my classes, let alone yung gastos of going out. Until, just that one day after coming home from a party that i felt sad and so alone...so weird that i almost felt like crying... I mean I have friends that i can call, kaya lang for the first time since our break up i missed him so... i started asking myself "is this all there is? I gave him up for this partyin sh**t?"parang it doesnt make sense, now that im tired of it.
So I woke the follwing day, feeling that i have to revamp my lifestyle, sabi ko i think i've had enough of this. I need to focus more sa school ko and my life, when i realized this, i think i also made a huge realization, tama si mike... he was guiding me, ako lang ang matigas ang ulo, i thought i know better, but now that i've had enough i have nothing but regrets!!! The more that i wanted to changed the more it got lonelier for me... parang kulang na. I missed him so and I cant do anything about it... naisip ko, tahimik na din siya eh, and from what ive been hearing from his friends and from my friends back home, he looked like he's happy and contented na din... which made me realize what i've lost... I so wanted to be with him, call him, say hi to him and most importantly to apologized for all the bad things i've said, that i shouldnt have. ang laki ng pagkakamali ko sa kanya... ang dami ko ding pagkukulang inspite of everything that he did for me. I realized that everything was too late for me... for us!
I busied myself with school and with activities to keep me preoccupied, kahit na deep inside para kong nauupos na candila, parang hindi matapos yung pain. I know my friends can actually see and feel that but they try not to talk to me about it, parang hinayaan lang din nila na mag wallow ako sa sadness, they thought it was just a phase for me. Until one day....
"Ok, so for the english week, Miss Bautista will be directing the play for the class to be presented in two weeks, can you handle such activity Miss Bautista?"my english instructor asked. I was surprised and at the same time dumbfounded that i was given such opportunity. All I can hear are whoot and cheer of my classmates and i just went "yes ma'am, i will do my best." i answered with such nervousness in my voice. And so i went to work right away, as a director of the play, i chose the strongest staff i could get from the class, it was hella work but it was well worth it. It was a good therapy as well coz literally i was so tired that i'd go straight to bed when i get home and then wake up really early to do same thing again. I loved it, being tired all day and never stopping, there never was a stopping point for me. My staff was getting tired of me too, i was coined "the slave driver" coz i would make them work until wee hours in the morning. sadness still ate me all the time towards the end of the day. Then one day, i actually mis text mike thinking it was my staff. i remember vividly what was said on the exchange. "marg, please dont forget to show me the costings tom morning when we meet ok? thanks for hepl and good job today." i hit send and out it went, a little after a minute there was a beep on my phone,. thinking naku may nalimutan nanaman si marg... i was so surprised when i opened my inbox and there it was , it came from mike... sobrang gulat ko, i thought my heart was going to jum out of my throat, parang nanginginig pa yung hands ko when i was about to open my inbox. it read, "hu u?" and then my heart just fell... binura niya na pala ko sa list niya.. i guess i deserve that.. but it hurt so bad that i really got so emotional over it. the tears that i have been fighting off for the longest time started to come out. This is when i realized that i love him still.. i love him so... selfish of me to think or to even feel na i need him back, but one way or the other i have to find a way to talk to him again. i texted back; "sorry wrong sent, trix to, im sorry.." sent. never got a reply back after that... I turned off my lamp and drifted off to sleep holding my cell in my hand hoping that he would at least acknowledge me...never happend....
And I'm back...
"whew! grabe naman talaga ang init dito sa pinas..." i exclamied to my sister when we were boarding off the plane. We had a 3 week vacay with my older brother in the states. It was worth it! refreshing and at the same time relaxing on my part. Away from all the "chismis." we made some good friends too, which makes me miss them more as i boarded off the plane. My sister and i promised them that we'll come back and spend more time with them over the summer.
As we were approaching customs and walking this long hallway...memories cam flooding back in of what happend before my semestral break, and now am wondering how everything is. "is he ok now?" "has he recovered from it all?" I thought. "Huy ate, ikaw na." my sister said nudging me from behind." so we checked out of customs ok and walked o way to the "balikbayan area." it was exciting to be back home, familiar smell, familiar surroundings and of course the feeling of being totally home!" My folks picked us up, gave each other hugs and kisses and our kamustahans on how everyone is, how kuya is, and everyone else.
"grabe I missed my bed!" i said as i was on the phone with my best bud Bing. "grabe its been awhile din ah, 3 weeks is a long vacation." she said. so we exchanged our stories on what went on over the break, obviously trying to dodge and avoid the inevitable conversation about "you know who." but i cant help but asked. " so kamusta si mike?" i asked quietly. there was a long pause and an awkward silence. "ok naman siya, hindi din namin masyado nakikita eh, he's been quite busy with their business and balita ko may bagong gf na din." she said nonchalantly. " Ah talaga?!" i said in disbelief but tried to hide my surprise and tried sounding calm. "good for him." i added. Bing didnt seem to notice the regret in my voice. " oo nga eh at least di ba, wala na sa yo ang attention, good luck nalang sa girl." and we both laughed at the idea. "so gaano na daw sila katagal? parang ang bilis naman ata?" i asked. " na meet ata ni mike from his class eh, tas yun hanggang sa they started going out and i think nadala niya pa yung girl sa Baguio with his family, o di ba close na agad sa family niya?" she said with a little intrigue in her voice. " oh di mas ok nga sa kanila kasi nga at least tanggap ng family niya di ba?" so anyway to cut the story short, we just changed the subject and started talking about some other stuff.
There were so much things to do and that kept my mind off of mike. I have to register for classes, go get books, get my supplies ready. I feel like i have so little time left to get ready for the semester, but i was able to nail it in the nick of time. Whew! I have at least a weekend before school starts again, and plus i have to get over my jet lag. Dang! there were so many things running thru my mind, theyre running so fast too and i dont know which one to take care of first! itutulog ko nalang din muna and i think i deserve a rest na din , maybe thats what i need to take my mind off things....
As we were approaching customs and walking this long hallway...memories cam flooding back in of what happend before my semestral break, and now am wondering how everything is. "is he ok now?" "has he recovered from it all?" I thought. "Huy ate, ikaw na." my sister said nudging me from behind." so we checked out of customs ok and walked o way to the "balikbayan area." it was exciting to be back home, familiar smell, familiar surroundings and of course the feeling of being totally home!" My folks picked us up, gave each other hugs and kisses and our kamustahans on how everyone is, how kuya is, and everyone else.
"grabe I missed my bed!" i said as i was on the phone with my best bud Bing. "grabe its been awhile din ah, 3 weeks is a long vacation." she said. so we exchanged our stories on what went on over the break, obviously trying to dodge and avoid the inevitable conversation about "you know who." but i cant help but asked. " so kamusta si mike?" i asked quietly. there was a long pause and an awkward silence. "ok naman siya, hindi din namin masyado nakikita eh, he's been quite busy with their business and balita ko may bagong gf na din." she said nonchalantly. " Ah talaga?!" i said in disbelief but tried to hide my surprise and tried sounding calm. "good for him." i added. Bing didnt seem to notice the regret in my voice. " oo nga eh at least di ba, wala na sa yo ang attention, good luck nalang sa girl." and we both laughed at the idea. "so gaano na daw sila katagal? parang ang bilis naman ata?" i asked. " na meet ata ni mike from his class eh, tas yun hanggang sa they started going out and i think nadala niya pa yung girl sa Baguio with his family, o di ba close na agad sa family niya?" she said with a little intrigue in her voice. " oh di mas ok nga sa kanila kasi nga at least tanggap ng family niya di ba?" so anyway to cut the story short, we just changed the subject and started talking about some other stuff.
There were so much things to do and that kept my mind off of mike. I have to register for classes, go get books, get my supplies ready. I feel like i have so little time left to get ready for the semester, but i was able to nail it in the nick of time. Whew! I have at least a weekend before school starts again, and plus i have to get over my jet lag. Dang! there were so many things running thru my mind, theyre running so fast too and i dont know which one to take care of first! itutulog ko nalang din muna and i think i deserve a rest na din , maybe thats what i need to take my mind off things....
Monday, April 13, 2009
or so i thought...
So the rest of the semester was a blur for me… fun but it went in a blur. I partied left and right, went out with my friends, went to places here and there.. I finally felt free.. and I was thinking
“ so this how it feels like to be on your own!!! Ahhhh.. the taste of freedom, its so intoxicating!”
I even come to class drunk one time… not totally drunk but “tipsy” it was all fun for me… as the semester was winding down I started to feel empty, I started to feel and asked myself,
“is there all there is to it? is there anything else that I need to get my hands on and try?” parang may kulang ata.”
This is when I phoned a friend from home, si bhing.
“hi bhing kamusta?” I asked rather hesistantly. I mean I haven’t spoken to her ever since I went my partying ways.
“Aba, nabuhay ka! Ok naman ako ganun pa din naman, busy sa school. Ikaw?” sounding surprised. I can even picture her face, looking like she has a huge question mark on her forehead.
“Ok lang din, eto busy din sa orgs, chaka sa kung anu ano pa…bhing, pasensya ka na ha, kung lately I’ve been out of it, na overwhelm lang din siguro ko sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko dito sa Manila. Parang for the first time lang I felt free from everything.” I hope you understand.” I said apologetically.
“don’t worry ok lang naman eh, lam ko naman na may mga mangyayaring changes but its all in the past na, so I guess we just need to move on and forget it.” she said quite pleased.
“may tanong lang din ako, have you heard anything from Mike? I mean how is he? Is he ok na?” I asked with that strong concern in my voice that I couldn’t masked.
“si mike, I guess he’s coping but you know what I felt so sorry for him, last time that we talked, we talked for hours on end, hanggang medaling araw trix, he cant get over the fact that you just finished your relationship like that, ang hirap para sa kanya eh.” She said with much unhappiness in her voice.
Then she went on, on how she and him were talking about on how sad he is and how he got depressed and started stopping to go to his classes. I felt so bad for him and started realizing how dumb I am for giving up someone who was willing to give up so much for me, for our relationship. I wanted to call him and ask him myself but I was too chickened out to do so, I felt that it wasn’t time yet. Siguro I’ll call him after the semestral break nalang, by then everything would’ve cleared out na siguro. Baka pareho na din naming kelangan ng time to be at least apart. I mean we already are, pero baka ito na yung time na para naman sa kanya.
“ ok bhing, sige thanks a lot for looking after him ha. Finals ko na this Friday then sem break na.. uwi na din ako this Friday, baka naman by then I’ll be able to clear my head.”
“clear your head? For what? Hayaan mo nalang din muna siya trix. Baka kelangan niya din ng time eh.”
With that we both said our “byes” and planned on seeing each other during the break.
The week went by pretty fast, finals finally was done and I was home free!!
“mom??? I home! San ka?” I shouted when I came in our front door.”
“dito ko nak, sa kitchen.”
Wow the adobo smells really good as it wafted the whole entire house down to my hungry nose and made my stomach growl with hunger. I went in the kitchen and my mom was busy cooking and dicing.
“oh, kamusta finals? She asked me.
“ok naman, ganun pa din, I think I did ok.” I answered giving her a quick peck on the cheek.
“o siya sige na magbihis ka na and maghain dadating na din daddy mo then kakain na tayo.. o nga pala nag overseas ang kuya mo from the states and he said that he wants to see you and ysa for the break. Puntahan niyo na din at kawawa naman din ang kuya niyo dun, tutal naman din wala din kayong plans for this break di ba? She looked at me and waited for me to answer.
“ah talaga?” I answered quite enthused. “wala naman po, pero sige ok din yun para Makita
a din naming si kuya. My big bro works in the stated and its been a few months now since we last saw him. And as I was changing into my pambahay I started thinking baka nga kelangan ko din to, pahinga from everyone dib a? magandang get away na din to and plus I get to see my kuya, not a bad idea at all.then it came to thought, paano si mike? How am I going to talk to him and make amends? I guess it can wait.. ano ba naman yung a few weeks di ba? Oh what the heck so states it is…
“ so this how it feels like to be on your own!!! Ahhhh.. the taste of freedom, its so intoxicating!”
I even come to class drunk one time… not totally drunk but “tipsy” it was all fun for me… as the semester was winding down I started to feel empty, I started to feel and asked myself,
“is there all there is to it? is there anything else that I need to get my hands on and try?” parang may kulang ata.”
This is when I phoned a friend from home, si bhing.
“hi bhing kamusta?” I asked rather hesistantly. I mean I haven’t spoken to her ever since I went my partying ways.
“Aba, nabuhay ka! Ok naman ako ganun pa din naman, busy sa school. Ikaw?” sounding surprised. I can even picture her face, looking like she has a huge question mark on her forehead.
“Ok lang din, eto busy din sa orgs, chaka sa kung anu ano pa…bhing, pasensya ka na ha, kung lately I’ve been out of it, na overwhelm lang din siguro ko sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko dito sa Manila. Parang for the first time lang I felt free from everything.” I hope you understand.” I said apologetically.
“don’t worry ok lang naman eh, lam ko naman na may mga mangyayaring changes but its all in the past na, so I guess we just need to move on and forget it.” she said quite pleased.
“may tanong lang din ako, have you heard anything from Mike? I mean how is he? Is he ok na?” I asked with that strong concern in my voice that I couldn’t masked.
“si mike, I guess he’s coping but you know what I felt so sorry for him, last time that we talked, we talked for hours on end, hanggang medaling araw trix, he cant get over the fact that you just finished your relationship like that, ang hirap para sa kanya eh.” She said with much unhappiness in her voice.
Then she went on, on how she and him were talking about on how sad he is and how he got depressed and started stopping to go to his classes. I felt so bad for him and started realizing how dumb I am for giving up someone who was willing to give up so much for me, for our relationship. I wanted to call him and ask him myself but I was too chickened out to do so, I felt that it wasn’t time yet. Siguro I’ll call him after the semestral break nalang, by then everything would’ve cleared out na siguro. Baka pareho na din naming kelangan ng time to be at least apart. I mean we already are, pero baka ito na yung time na para naman sa kanya.
“ ok bhing, sige thanks a lot for looking after him ha. Finals ko na this Friday then sem break na.. uwi na din ako this Friday, baka naman by then I’ll be able to clear my head.”
“clear your head? For what? Hayaan mo nalang din muna siya trix. Baka kelangan niya din ng time eh.”
With that we both said our “byes” and planned on seeing each other during the break.
The week went by pretty fast, finals finally was done and I was home free!!
“mom??? I home! San ka?” I shouted when I came in our front door.”
“dito ko nak, sa kitchen.”
Wow the adobo smells really good as it wafted the whole entire house down to my hungry nose and made my stomach growl with hunger. I went in the kitchen and my mom was busy cooking and dicing.
“oh, kamusta finals? She asked me.
“ok naman, ganun pa din, I think I did ok.” I answered giving her a quick peck on the cheek.
“o siya sige na magbihis ka na and maghain dadating na din daddy mo then kakain na tayo.. o nga pala nag overseas ang kuya mo from the states and he said that he wants to see you and ysa for the break. Puntahan niyo na din at kawawa naman din ang kuya niyo dun, tutal naman din wala din kayong plans for this break di ba? She looked at me and waited for me to answer.
“ah talaga?” I answered quite enthused. “wala naman po, pero sige ok din yun para Makita
a din naming si kuya. My big bro works in the stated and its been a few months now since we last saw him. And as I was changing into my pambahay I started thinking baka nga kelangan ko din to, pahinga from everyone dib a? magandang get away na din to and plus I get to see my kuya, not a bad idea at all.then it came to thought, paano si mike? How am I going to talk to him and make amends? I guess it can wait.. ano ba naman yung a few weeks di ba? Oh what the heck so states it is…
3 years....
After 3 years…
So, here I am again, reminiscing what went wrong between Mike and I. but a very quick update on my end, it has been three years since I last blogged, been busy with my life I guess that I didn’t find time to sit down and relax… I missed those times! I have a steady job now and a good paying one too, got my own place and enjoying every minute of it, other than that all is good. So anyway, it was an accident that I came across a friend of mine that I haven’t seen or spoken with in a long time…conversation was just nonchalant until it came across…
“so trix, kamusta naman ang buhay buhay natin?” he asked looking very interested in what I do now.
“hayyy” I said with a sigh. “ Ganun pa din naman, got rehired on my old job kaya lang they offered me a better position.” I mentioned enthused.
“ah talaga? So ano namang position?”
“ It was this position, that is more client involved, mas madaming gagawing proposals, setup ng mga meeting and more good relationship with new clients, more of maintaining a good relationship with clients.”
“wow galing naman! Sabagay bagay naman sa yo yung ganyang work, you’re good at writing kaya ok na dyan ka napunta.” He said knowingly.
“writing?” I asked. “since when did you know that I can write?”
“di ba? You used to blog, nalimutan ko lang yung url pero I used to read them.. parang pocketbook! Cute and cheesy!”
“oh yeah!!! Grabe I forgot all about it! hmmm sige nga I’ll try to retrieve that url, baka Makita ko pa and then basahin ko nga ulit.”
Our conversation still went on and on about our lives, jobs and other stuff. After that, I was lucky enough to go back to my desktop and start looking for it. Thank all the stars above I finally found it… and started reading it from day 1 of my story… it was indeed, heartwarming for me.. kahit na nga medyo cheesy and baduy, it brought back memories that I thought was long forgotten. It felt like I found a key to Pandora’s box, opened it and found and felt things that were oh so familiar. Up to this day, there’s still that tug in my heart that can never be locked away.
My story ended with a goodbye for mike but my story does not end there, there’s still more to tell and I intend on continuing that story.. the story of the one that got away :(
So, here I am again, reminiscing what went wrong between Mike and I. but a very quick update on my end, it has been three years since I last blogged, been busy with my life I guess that I didn’t find time to sit down and relax… I missed those times! I have a steady job now and a good paying one too, got my own place and enjoying every minute of it, other than that all is good. So anyway, it was an accident that I came across a friend of mine that I haven’t seen or spoken with in a long time…conversation was just nonchalant until it came across…
“so trix, kamusta naman ang buhay buhay natin?” he asked looking very interested in what I do now.
“hayyy” I said with a sigh. “ Ganun pa din naman, got rehired on my old job kaya lang they offered me a better position.” I mentioned enthused.
“ah talaga? So ano namang position?”
“ It was this position, that is more client involved, mas madaming gagawing proposals, setup ng mga meeting and more good relationship with new clients, more of maintaining a good relationship with clients.”
“wow galing naman! Sabagay bagay naman sa yo yung ganyang work, you’re good at writing kaya ok na dyan ka napunta.” He said knowingly.
“writing?” I asked. “since when did you know that I can write?”
“di ba? You used to blog, nalimutan ko lang yung url pero I used to read them.. parang pocketbook! Cute and cheesy!”
“oh yeah!!! Grabe I forgot all about it! hmmm sige nga I’ll try to retrieve that url, baka Makita ko pa and then basahin ko nga ulit.”
Our conversation still went on and on about our lives, jobs and other stuff. After that, I was lucky enough to go back to my desktop and start looking for it. Thank all the stars above I finally found it… and started reading it from day 1 of my story… it was indeed, heartwarming for me.. kahit na nga medyo cheesy and baduy, it brought back memories that I thought was long forgotten. It felt like I found a key to Pandora’s box, opened it and found and felt things that were oh so familiar. Up to this day, there’s still that tug in my heart that can never be locked away.
My story ended with a goodbye for mike but my story does not end there, there’s still more to tell and I intend on continuing that story.. the story of the one that got away :(
Thursday, July 13, 2006
im sorry...
"im sorry mike! i cant do this anymore." i sadly told him over the phone.
for the past year of college he has been acting wierd and erratic.. ok ok at first it was cute and all but with the demands of school i cant keep up with him anymore. He became much more demanding and scaringly posseive of me.
"so ganun nalang yun? ayaw mo na? bakit dahil sagabal na ko sa yo? what? tell me!" he said. he was trying so hard not to sound mad but i can see his veins on his forehead and i could say that they can pop any minute.
"mike, its not that, the reason why we have each other is because we love each other and we understand each other, but at the rater we're goin' i dont think we're getting anywhere." i explained.
"sinasabi mo lang yan, alam ko naman eh, kaya ayaw mo na dahil hindi mo na magawa yung mga gusto mong gawin sampu ng mga barkada mo."
this ticked me reallly bad!
"you know what??? tama ka! hindi ko na nga talaga magawa lahat ng mga gusto kong gawin. ikaw sagabal? oo! isang malaking sagabal ka sa buhay ko! lahat ng ginagawa ko kelangan pabor muna sa yo bago ko magawa. tao ako mike! hindi ako robot! masyado pa kong bata para matali ng ganto ano ka ba?" i said and then took a deep breath to calm myself. i guess it was too late for that now.
"no! hindi ako papayag, we can still work this one out? di ba trix? wag mo naman akong iwan ng ganto." he asked
"not this time mike, hindi ko na din kaya yung pressure, ayoko na... we have to do this before we start hating each other.
"no trix, please? i'll do anything you want... pera gusto mo ng pera?" he asked taking his wallet out and taking big bills out and handing them to me."eto sa yo na to, wag mo lang akong iwan."
"ano ka ba mike! i dont need that alisin mo nga yan sa harap ko! nakakabastos ka na ah." i said as i pushed his hand away.
"umm ano pang gusto mo? bagong cell, halika bili tayo ngayon na kahit anong gusto mo." he said as he dragged me going nowhere.
"mike! sandali nga... sandali! ano ba? ano na nangyayri sa yo? hindi na din to maayos ng ganto we need time off from each other hindi ko na din to kaya eh, pls, understand? hindi mo na din mababago yung gusto ko eh, ayoko na!"
"hindi mo na ba ko mahal?" he asked. OMG! this was the day that i'v been dreading.. the simple question yet so hard to answer. paano na ba to?
"mike im sorry, hindi ko na din alam." i answered.
"trix you know na i just cant let this one go just like this... gagawin ko lahat to win you back. i know na alam mo yun di ba?"
"i know but not this time mike ayoko na eh.. im so sorry. i need my own time for myself, i hope you understand..."
" i dont!" then he walked off.
i hate to say this but breaking up with him was sad at first but then after awhile it was great, i mean i get to do things that i havent done before, i get to go out with my friends again, hang out with them, play pool and the best part my parents are not around! this must what freedom tastes like. sooo good!
so yeah there i was partying here and there and meeting new people. Being in college could never be better, this went on for weeks, until one day when i got a phone call in my room.
"hello?"
"hi trix.. kamusta?" it was mike.
"ohhh.. hi mike ok naman and you?" i wasnt actually happy hearing from him. for some weird reason i was a bit irritated.
"not so good! i miss you so much, and i think i have given you much time to think... to think about us... please come back!" he begged.
" mike naman, andyan na naman ba tayo sa usapang yan? sa ibang araw nalang pwede i really have to go, may meeting ako with my members."
"meeting? you dont have a class till 230 pm pa ah? bakit ang aga mo aalis? can we just talk?" he asked.
"im sorry we can't male late na ko, im sorry! bye!" i was about to hang up the phone when...
"saglit lang... ayaw mo na ba?...."
"i guess so, i think this is it for us, im happy now kung asan man ako. sorry."
"ok then i guess all i can do is be happy for you then, goodluck! and i love you!.. lagi yan... please say that you love me too???" he begged.
" im sorry mike... i don't. goodbye!
and with that i hung up the phone and hurried downstairs for my meeting...
for the past year of college he has been acting wierd and erratic.. ok ok at first it was cute and all but with the demands of school i cant keep up with him anymore. He became much more demanding and scaringly posseive of me.
"so ganun nalang yun? ayaw mo na? bakit dahil sagabal na ko sa yo? what? tell me!" he said. he was trying so hard not to sound mad but i can see his veins on his forehead and i could say that they can pop any minute.
"mike, its not that, the reason why we have each other is because we love each other and we understand each other, but at the rater we're goin' i dont think we're getting anywhere." i explained.
"sinasabi mo lang yan, alam ko naman eh, kaya ayaw mo na dahil hindi mo na magawa yung mga gusto mong gawin sampu ng mga barkada mo."
this ticked me reallly bad!
"you know what??? tama ka! hindi ko na nga talaga magawa lahat ng mga gusto kong gawin. ikaw sagabal? oo! isang malaking sagabal ka sa buhay ko! lahat ng ginagawa ko kelangan pabor muna sa yo bago ko magawa. tao ako mike! hindi ako robot! masyado pa kong bata para matali ng ganto ano ka ba?" i said and then took a deep breath to calm myself. i guess it was too late for that now.
"no! hindi ako papayag, we can still work this one out? di ba trix? wag mo naman akong iwan ng ganto." he asked
"not this time mike, hindi ko na din kaya yung pressure, ayoko na... we have to do this before we start hating each other.
"no trix, please? i'll do anything you want... pera gusto mo ng pera?" he asked taking his wallet out and taking big bills out and handing them to me."eto sa yo na to, wag mo lang akong iwan."
"ano ka ba mike! i dont need that alisin mo nga yan sa harap ko! nakakabastos ka na ah." i said as i pushed his hand away.
"umm ano pang gusto mo? bagong cell, halika bili tayo ngayon na kahit anong gusto mo." he said as he dragged me going nowhere.
"mike! sandali nga... sandali! ano ba? ano na nangyayri sa yo? hindi na din to maayos ng ganto we need time off from each other hindi ko na din to kaya eh, pls, understand? hindi mo na din mababago yung gusto ko eh, ayoko na!"
"hindi mo na ba ko mahal?" he asked. OMG! this was the day that i'v been dreading.. the simple question yet so hard to answer. paano na ba to?
"mike im sorry, hindi ko na din alam." i answered.
"trix you know na i just cant let this one go just like this... gagawin ko lahat to win you back. i know na alam mo yun di ba?"
"i know but not this time mike ayoko na eh.. im so sorry. i need my own time for myself, i hope you understand..."
" i dont!" then he walked off.
i hate to say this but breaking up with him was sad at first but then after awhile it was great, i mean i get to do things that i havent done before, i get to go out with my friends again, hang out with them, play pool and the best part my parents are not around! this must what freedom tastes like. sooo good!
so yeah there i was partying here and there and meeting new people. Being in college could never be better, this went on for weeks, until one day when i got a phone call in my room.
"hello?"
"hi trix.. kamusta?" it was mike.
"ohhh.. hi mike ok naman and you?" i wasnt actually happy hearing from him. for some weird reason i was a bit irritated.
"not so good! i miss you so much, and i think i have given you much time to think... to think about us... please come back!" he begged.
" mike naman, andyan na naman ba tayo sa usapang yan? sa ibang araw nalang pwede i really have to go, may meeting ako with my members."
"meeting? you dont have a class till 230 pm pa ah? bakit ang aga mo aalis? can we just talk?" he asked.
"im sorry we can't male late na ko, im sorry! bye!" i was about to hang up the phone when...
"saglit lang... ayaw mo na ba?...."
"i guess so, i think this is it for us, im happy now kung asan man ako. sorry."
"ok then i guess all i can do is be happy for you then, goodluck! and i love you!.. lagi yan... please say that you love me too???" he begged.
" im sorry mike... i don't. goodbye!
and with that i hung up the phone and hurried downstairs for my meeting...
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
another chapter
The first semester of my freshmen year as a college student was pretty good oh wait a minute it was hella good! It was so convenient without the long commute home, my university was about 10 minutes away from lola's house, which gave me more time to participate with extra curricular activities like more time for outreach programs for my college and i even volunteered myself as an assistant in the Dean's office, which meant that i made Mike's life a living hell...
"sabi ko na nga ba daming magbabago eh." he said sadly as we were having lunch at a local cafeteria.
"ano ka ba mike?! yan ka nanaman with your complains...i still do make time for you, for us di ba?" i said, getting irritated with the same argument every single time we hang out. but for one thing he was right, may be i was just too scared to even admit it. we became strangers overnight, we can no longer talk about things without having an argument, its either he gets jealous of how much time i spend time at school or i get mad at him for not being supportive. I became a social butterfly, and he spent more time in seclusion.
"bakit ba kapag kasama mo yang mga barkada mo yung ngiti mo hanggang tenga na? kapag ako kasama mo kulang sumayad yang nguso mo!" he said knowingly. ok, that's just it!
"bakit din ba kelangang maging diskusyon ang mga kaibigan ko sa tin?!" i said heatedly. i was trying so hard to lower my voice, but this has got to stop. i cant do this anymore, i just want him to support me and to understand me. and yep this long distance thing is already taking its toll on both of us, masakit na sa ulo!
"so what do you want me to do mike?" i asked
"spend more time with me, quit your extra activities and be with me. "
"ok ka lang? do you know how happy iam with what im doing? do you have any idea how important those things are for me?"
"mas importante pa ba sila kaysa sa kin?" he asked. this time i just grabbed my tray, threw out my food in the garbage and started walking away from him, i was just so upset hindi ko na din alam kung may sasabihin pa ko.
"so that's it you're just going to walk away?" he asked trying to catch up.
"ano pang gusto mo sa kin mike? why can you not just be happy for me? bakit ba palagi mo nalang pinamumuka sa kin na iiwan na kita? i know im not!"
"natatakot ako trix." he said, "im just so scared of losing you." he continued with his voice cracking.
"i wont ok? not this way, i know i might have changed alot but please know na hindi kita pagpapalit." i reassured him.
ok so i have a confession to make, this past few days i made some realizations: i started asking myself, "why am i with mike? is it because i got used to being with him? or do i still love him?"i know, i know... masama yung iniisip ko, its just that sometimes naiisip ko na sagabal na siya sa success ko, na i could've done so much more without his whinning and bickering. am i being mean? or being true to myself? minsan din i have this feeling inside me na instead na excited ako to finally see him after a long day at school, i would dread seeing him.. para bang scary na and hindi na exciting yung pagkikita namin dahil alam ko na mauuwi lang sa away. onthe other hand naman when were together and we dont talk about school or we just hangout on the weekends when i go home, parang iba nanaman yung mundo namin, it was when we'd find ourselves not having any qualms about anything. so for some reason im caught in the middle of something scary. i can feel that all along he's right about changes im just to chicken sh*@ to admit it!
i took a deep breath and said, "see, nasayang lang yung lunch break natin sa pagaaway lang.. tsk tsk."
"im sorry kung ang selfish ko ah, gusto ko kasi akin ka lang, the thought of you spending more time with school and friends... ayoko nun." he said kissing my hand.
whoa!!! what??? tama ba yung dinig ko? i wanted to press more argument with what he just said, but chose to keep my mouth shut instead, that'd be another squabble i thought. that made me think though, paano nalang kung mas lumaki na yung responsibilities ko with school work and outreach programs? maiintindihan niya kaya?or are we going back to the same argument? much worse would we go our separate ways?
"sabi ko na nga ba daming magbabago eh." he said sadly as we were having lunch at a local cafeteria.
"ano ka ba mike?! yan ka nanaman with your complains...i still do make time for you, for us di ba?" i said, getting irritated with the same argument every single time we hang out. but for one thing he was right, may be i was just too scared to even admit it. we became strangers overnight, we can no longer talk about things without having an argument, its either he gets jealous of how much time i spend time at school or i get mad at him for not being supportive. I became a social butterfly, and he spent more time in seclusion.
"bakit ba kapag kasama mo yang mga barkada mo yung ngiti mo hanggang tenga na? kapag ako kasama mo kulang sumayad yang nguso mo!" he said knowingly. ok, that's just it!
"bakit din ba kelangang maging diskusyon ang mga kaibigan ko sa tin?!" i said heatedly. i was trying so hard to lower my voice, but this has got to stop. i cant do this anymore, i just want him to support me and to understand me. and yep this long distance thing is already taking its toll on both of us, masakit na sa ulo!
"so what do you want me to do mike?" i asked
"spend more time with me, quit your extra activities and be with me. "
"ok ka lang? do you know how happy iam with what im doing? do you have any idea how important those things are for me?"
"mas importante pa ba sila kaysa sa kin?" he asked. this time i just grabbed my tray, threw out my food in the garbage and started walking away from him, i was just so upset hindi ko na din alam kung may sasabihin pa ko.
"so that's it you're just going to walk away?" he asked trying to catch up.
"ano pang gusto mo sa kin mike? why can you not just be happy for me? bakit ba palagi mo nalang pinamumuka sa kin na iiwan na kita? i know im not!"
"natatakot ako trix." he said, "im just so scared of losing you." he continued with his voice cracking.
"i wont ok? not this way, i know i might have changed alot but please know na hindi kita pagpapalit." i reassured him.
ok so i have a confession to make, this past few days i made some realizations: i started asking myself, "why am i with mike? is it because i got used to being with him? or do i still love him?"i know, i know... masama yung iniisip ko, its just that sometimes naiisip ko na sagabal na siya sa success ko, na i could've done so much more without his whinning and bickering. am i being mean? or being true to myself? minsan din i have this feeling inside me na instead na excited ako to finally see him after a long day at school, i would dread seeing him.. para bang scary na and hindi na exciting yung pagkikita namin dahil alam ko na mauuwi lang sa away. onthe other hand naman when were together and we dont talk about school or we just hangout on the weekends when i go home, parang iba nanaman yung mundo namin, it was when we'd find ourselves not having any qualms about anything. so for some reason im caught in the middle of something scary. i can feel that all along he's right about changes im just to chicken sh*@ to admit it!
i took a deep breath and said, "see, nasayang lang yung lunch break natin sa pagaaway lang.. tsk tsk."
"im sorry kung ang selfish ko ah, gusto ko kasi akin ka lang, the thought of you spending more time with school and friends... ayoko nun." he said kissing my hand.
whoa!!! what??? tama ba yung dinig ko? i wanted to press more argument with what he just said, but chose to keep my mouth shut instead, that'd be another squabble i thought. that made me think though, paano nalang kung mas lumaki na yung responsibilities ko with school work and outreach programs? maiintindihan niya kaya?or are we going back to the same argument? much worse would we go our separate ways?
Thursday, June 22, 2006
moving on...
"understand? trix naman, how am i suppose to undertsand this? bakit ka nagdecide ng hindi ako tinatanong?" he said trying to lower his voice so my parents wouldn't hear. yes, i made a decision and i hope it's not a bad one, i chose to move to my lola's house in manila. Is that bad? kala ko kasi maiintindihan ni mike eh. i tried weighing in all the pros and cons of moving to manila. and unfortunately the pros won :
pros:
near my university
lapit sa gimikan
i have my own room
i have my own telephone line
no parents
no hassle
no traffic
freedom!
cons:
away from mike!
I've thought alot about this, i mean hindi naman din kasi biro ang commute from cavite to manila, even if mike's driving the traffic is just infuriating! but of course mike, upon hearing this was not too happy.
"eh mike naman mas gusto kasi nila daddy na dun nalang ako titira, tas uuwi nalang ako ng weekend." i lied, it was always up to me to decide where i wanted to stay, but for him to understand i have to lie that my parents were the ones who wanted me there. i hate lying, but there's no other way for me to explain to him how important this is for me.
"so ganun nalang yun? weekend nalang tayo magkikita?" he asked, finally giving up on the issue.
"no, its not going to be like that, pwede mo naman akong puntahan sa school eh kunyari lunch or something di ba? kaya nga may sasakyan ka na eh." i suggested.
"trust me trix, madaming magbabago... when you get the taste of freedom and living on your own.. magiiba lahat." he said
teka, why is he being negative on this, its not like im moving out of state or something, as if we're really too far from each other. with him thinking like that got me a little bit scared.
"basta promise trix, hindi ka magbabago ah?"
"mike ano ka ba? what are you talkin about me changing? hindi noh... kahit ano mangyri tayo pa din ang magkakampi ok? you taught me that remember? we'll be ok."
So eventually, he agreed for me to move out, i didn't realize how hard it was for him until i started moving my stuff to my lola's house. both of were in my room and i was tryingto pack most of my stuff until he fell silent and started looking at me...
"HUY! mike what's the matter? ok ka lang?"
"wala lang kasi parang ang layo mo na agad eh, hindi ka pa nga nakakalipat nalulungkot na ko agad." he said giving me a puppy dog look.
"My god naman mike, para nmang ang layo layo ko na..."
"hindi lang ako sanay ng malayo ka sakin, kaya ako takot."
"naku mike, if anything i should be the one to be worried, kasi ako im sure who i wanna be with eh ikaw?" i said trying to give him a reassuring grin.
"oo naman."
"o yun naman pala eh, so what's there to be scared off?" i asked.
"basta, you promise na hindi ka magbabago ah?"
"i told you i promise" i said holding up my right hand for him to see that i was sincere.
and then with that we both continued packing.
"o ano sasama ka pa ba kila lola?" i asked him as i was loading my stuff in the van.
"hindi na, just make sure na makablik ka in time for the mass ha?" he said. yeah, that's mike we have this certain hour wherein we have to go to church and attend mass.
"dont worry i'll be back in time, saglit lang naman din siguro kami dun eh, if anything text nalang kita."
"naku, trix, no excuses basta kahit na anong mangyari antyin nalang kita sa church ok?" he said.
"ok o sige pasok na ko dami ko pa ding kelangang i pack eh." i said giving him a peck on the cheek and i walked in the house to finish packing.
"ok, bye love you." as he waved goodbye.
"dad, eto na yung last na kahon, ala nang ibababa." i called after my dad. we just got to lola's house, of course trafiic was bad and lunchtime was nearly over. i was looking at my watch evry once in a while because i promised mike i'd be back in time for the mass.
"trixie, ano ka ba? kanina ka pa tingin ng tingin diyan sa relo mo?" my mom asked getting annoyed.
"eh kasi ma, sabi ko kay mike babalik ako agad kasi hindi pa kami nag sisimba."
"aba sabihin mo kay mike madami pa tayong gagawin dito. kelan pa palang pinturahan yung kwarto mo, lilinisan pa yun para matulugan..." she said.
uhoh! this is bad im pretty sure that he'd hate me after i tell him this.. paano ba to?
"ma, sigurado ka ba na hindi tayo makakauwi on time?" i asked her again.
"eh sino naman ang gusto mong mag ayos ng kwarto mo? lola mo hindi tayo makakuwi agad, baka dito na din tayo maghapunan. o sige na akyat mo na tong iba mong gamit sa taas." she asked trying to brush me off.
naku patay!!! lagot ako kay mike. well, im sure he'll be ok with it... well you know what this time i think i blew his lid off.
"ano???!!! di ba may usapan tayo??" he screamed at me over the phone.
"eh hindi nga matatapos agad yung mga kelangan dito eh." i said
"ano ba naman trix...ok na nga lang sa kin na lumipat ka diyan pati ba naman yung oras nating dalawa mababawasan pa?" grabe talaga yung gigil niya.
"mike, be reasonable naman." i said trying to lower down my voice kahit na galit na din ako.
"reasonable??? ako pa ngayon ang kelangang maging reasonable.. ikaw na nga ang mangiiwan ako pa ang reasonable?" he said. this time i lost it too...
"ano bang iiwan ang sinasabi mo? bakit ba la ka nang bukang bibig kungdi yang iwan iwan na yan? lilipat lang ako mike isa pa pamilya ko ang kasama ko, hindi ibang tao! bakit kelangan mo kong orasan when im with them?"
" o ngayon ako na yung mali? you shouldnt have promised kung alam mo palang hindi ka makakabalik on time!"
"grrr!!! alamo mo mike walang pupuntahan tong usapan na to! bahala ka!"
"kita mo na, this is what im scared off, hindi ka pa nakaka alis nag babago ka na."
"im tired of explaining myself, we'll talk when i get back!" with that i slammed the phone down.
"oh bakit? away nanaman kayo ni mike?" my mom asked.
"yeah! nakakainis ma, ang higpit niya and he cant understand any of this.. kung bakit kelangang akong lumipat."
"trix, you know from the very beginning hindi ako nakialam sa inyo ni mike, pero all im saying is prang masyado na yata ang argurments niyo tungkol dito, masyado pa kayong mga bata para maghigpit siya ng ganto. dont you think? dapat nga he should undertsand and be supportive of this, aba magandang opportunity 'to for you." for the first time my mom made sense. pero bakit ganto ang feeling parang tama sila pareho. Its scary to think about it, my mom was right about mike, and mike is right about the changes that's going to happen. nakakatakot yung feeling kasi at the back of mind i know mike's right... madaming magbabago kapag andito na ko...
pros:
near my university
lapit sa gimikan
i have my own room
i have my own telephone line
no parents
no hassle
no traffic
freedom!
cons:
away from mike!
I've thought alot about this, i mean hindi naman din kasi biro ang commute from cavite to manila, even if mike's driving the traffic is just infuriating! but of course mike, upon hearing this was not too happy.
"eh mike naman mas gusto kasi nila daddy na dun nalang ako titira, tas uuwi nalang ako ng weekend." i lied, it was always up to me to decide where i wanted to stay, but for him to understand i have to lie that my parents were the ones who wanted me there. i hate lying, but there's no other way for me to explain to him how important this is for me.
"so ganun nalang yun? weekend nalang tayo magkikita?" he asked, finally giving up on the issue.
"no, its not going to be like that, pwede mo naman akong puntahan sa school eh kunyari lunch or something di ba? kaya nga may sasakyan ka na eh." i suggested.
"trust me trix, madaming magbabago... when you get the taste of freedom and living on your own.. magiiba lahat." he said
teka, why is he being negative on this, its not like im moving out of state or something, as if we're really too far from each other. with him thinking like that got me a little bit scared.
"basta promise trix, hindi ka magbabago ah?"
"mike ano ka ba? what are you talkin about me changing? hindi noh... kahit ano mangyri tayo pa din ang magkakampi ok? you taught me that remember? we'll be ok."
So eventually, he agreed for me to move out, i didn't realize how hard it was for him until i started moving my stuff to my lola's house. both of were in my room and i was tryingto pack most of my stuff until he fell silent and started looking at me...
"HUY! mike what's the matter? ok ka lang?"
"wala lang kasi parang ang layo mo na agad eh, hindi ka pa nga nakakalipat nalulungkot na ko agad." he said giving me a puppy dog look.
"My god naman mike, para nmang ang layo layo ko na..."
"hindi lang ako sanay ng malayo ka sakin, kaya ako takot."
"naku mike, if anything i should be the one to be worried, kasi ako im sure who i wanna be with eh ikaw?" i said trying to give him a reassuring grin.
"oo naman."
"o yun naman pala eh, so what's there to be scared off?" i asked.
"basta, you promise na hindi ka magbabago ah?"
"i told you i promise" i said holding up my right hand for him to see that i was sincere.
and then with that we both continued packing.
"o ano sasama ka pa ba kila lola?" i asked him as i was loading my stuff in the van.
"hindi na, just make sure na makablik ka in time for the mass ha?" he said. yeah, that's mike we have this certain hour wherein we have to go to church and attend mass.
"dont worry i'll be back in time, saglit lang naman din siguro kami dun eh, if anything text nalang kita."
"naku, trix, no excuses basta kahit na anong mangyari antyin nalang kita sa church ok?" he said.
"ok o sige pasok na ko dami ko pa ding kelangang i pack eh." i said giving him a peck on the cheek and i walked in the house to finish packing.
"ok, bye love you." as he waved goodbye.
"dad, eto na yung last na kahon, ala nang ibababa." i called after my dad. we just got to lola's house, of course trafiic was bad and lunchtime was nearly over. i was looking at my watch evry once in a while because i promised mike i'd be back in time for the mass.
"trixie, ano ka ba? kanina ka pa tingin ng tingin diyan sa relo mo?" my mom asked getting annoyed.
"eh kasi ma, sabi ko kay mike babalik ako agad kasi hindi pa kami nag sisimba."
"aba sabihin mo kay mike madami pa tayong gagawin dito. kelan pa palang pinturahan yung kwarto mo, lilinisan pa yun para matulugan..." she said.
uhoh! this is bad im pretty sure that he'd hate me after i tell him this.. paano ba to?
"ma, sigurado ka ba na hindi tayo makakauwi on time?" i asked her again.
"eh sino naman ang gusto mong mag ayos ng kwarto mo? lola mo hindi tayo makakuwi agad, baka dito na din tayo maghapunan. o sige na akyat mo na tong iba mong gamit sa taas." she asked trying to brush me off.
naku patay!!! lagot ako kay mike. well, im sure he'll be ok with it... well you know what this time i think i blew his lid off.
"ano???!!! di ba may usapan tayo??" he screamed at me over the phone.
"eh hindi nga matatapos agad yung mga kelangan dito eh." i said
"ano ba naman trix...ok na nga lang sa kin na lumipat ka diyan pati ba naman yung oras nating dalawa mababawasan pa?" grabe talaga yung gigil niya.
"mike, be reasonable naman." i said trying to lower down my voice kahit na galit na din ako.
"reasonable??? ako pa ngayon ang kelangang maging reasonable.. ikaw na nga ang mangiiwan ako pa ang reasonable?" he said. this time i lost it too...
"ano bang iiwan ang sinasabi mo? bakit ba la ka nang bukang bibig kungdi yang iwan iwan na yan? lilipat lang ako mike isa pa pamilya ko ang kasama ko, hindi ibang tao! bakit kelangan mo kong orasan when im with them?"
" o ngayon ako na yung mali? you shouldnt have promised kung alam mo palang hindi ka makakabalik on time!"
"grrr!!! alamo mo mike walang pupuntahan tong usapan na to! bahala ka!"
"kita mo na, this is what im scared off, hindi ka pa nakaka alis nag babago ka na."
"im tired of explaining myself, we'll talk when i get back!" with that i slammed the phone down.
"oh bakit? away nanaman kayo ni mike?" my mom asked.
"yeah! nakakainis ma, ang higpit niya and he cant understand any of this.. kung bakit kelangang akong lumipat."
"trix, you know from the very beginning hindi ako nakialam sa inyo ni mike, pero all im saying is prang masyado na yata ang argurments niyo tungkol dito, masyado pa kayong mga bata para maghigpit siya ng ganto. dont you think? dapat nga he should undertsand and be supportive of this, aba magandang opportunity 'to for you." for the first time my mom made sense. pero bakit ganto ang feeling parang tama sila pareho. Its scary to think about it, my mom was right about mike, and mike is right about the changes that's going to happen. nakakatakot yung feeling kasi at the back of mind i know mike's right... madaming magbabago kapag andito na ko...
Monday, June 19, 2006
ch-ch-changes...
"trix tanggap na ko!" mike said on his text message with the smiley face at the end of the text. He finally got his letter from the university that he was applying for, He was so proud to get accepted because it was his father's alma mater.
oooopppsss, im sorry to have jumped my story this far, recap: the night of his senior year went out great by the way, there were good people, good music and of course good food, not to mention that one of his buds got crowned king of the night which made our group the center of attention which was really fun! and then summer came, i got really excited coz now i know i'd have more time to hang out with mike.. well it was just wishful thinking on my part. He and I became really busy going over applications for universities and colleges. He was really aiming on this one school where his dad graduated from and it would mean alot to his parents if he gets in,and lucky for him he did
"that's good news :)" i replied back. hooo! finally we'll have time to relax, it had been hectic this past few weeks, luckily i myself got in the university that i was rootin' for. "ok i'll see you tonight sa bahay ha? dinner tayo i'll cook." i sent him another message.
"sige! that'll be good." see you hal! love you!" he sent back.
Hay salamat, sa wakas we could just chill and talk about this... whew!
and so i cooked for him for dinner and of course for the whole family na din. food for dinner was sinigang and by the time that my parents got home dinner was ready... as everyone was trying to settle down their sits, dumating si mike.
"oh mike, tamang tama ang dating mo.. lika na kain na." my dad invited him.
"ah opo thanks po tito."
so we all sat down and said our graces. then we started eating and chatting happily then my dad asked him a question: "oh ano mike natanggap mo na ba yung letter mo dun sa university na gusto mo?" he asked.
" ah eh.. opo tito, kanina ko lang din po nakuha eh."
"naku, siguro your parents are so proud of you ano?"
"oo nga po eh, lalo na si daddy ."
"naku etong si tixie, kakatanggap lang niya din nung letter niya and we're actually planning to move her dun sa lola niya, ang layo kasi ng commute eh, lam mo naman ang traffic." my mom interrupted.
wait a second... did i just hear my mom tell mike that i might move to lola's house in manila??? uhoh! not good.. ok mom drop it! not infront of mike, we havent even talked about it yet...
"ah talaga po? hindi pa ho nababanggit ni trix sa kin," he said politely as he tried to swallow his food.
"eh kasi mike hindi pa naman sure yun eh." i said looking back at my mom giving her the look to drop the subject, but i guess she cant take a hint.
"chaka lam mo naman delikado na din ang panahon ngayon kaya mas maigi na din yung andun siya sa lola niya, para hindi din mahirapan mag pabalik balik dito sa bahay." my mom said.
"eh ikaw mike, commute ka lang din ba?" my dad interrupted.
"umm, binili po kasi ako ni mama ng bagong sasakyan eh, ok nga po tito kasi di ba, kahit hindi na umalis si trix kahit hatid sundo ko nlang siya." he offered, looking at my mom.
"naku mike, sige nga at pagiisipan namin ng tito mo."
"ma, iba nalang muna pagusapan natin halos buong summer na ito yung pinaguusapan eh." i said.
and so we did, we started talking about, how each other's day went. After dinner I offered to do the dishes and mike offered to help out, at least we both have time to talk about the "moving out" deal, which of course he didnt know and much worse i didnt! as i was carrying all the dishes towards the sink, mike started talking..
"lipat ka din pala sa lola mo eh noh?" he asked wiping off the table.
"ano ka ba, hindi pa naman yun sigurado eh, ni hindi pa nga namin napaguusapan yun, ito lang si mommy ang mapilit." i said.
"eh paano yan kapag nag decide sila na dun ka na? paano na tayo?"
"ito naman wala pa nga eh, di bale sabihin kay daddy may sasakyan ka na naman kaya pwede mo na ko hatid sundo." i said.
"hmm. bahala na." he said giving me a smack on the lips, then he just shrugged his shrugged his shoulders.
When mike left i went to my parents' room to discuss the "moving" issue.
"ma? totoo ba? plano niyo ni dad na dun ako kila lola sa manila?" i asked.
"well, titignan natin kasi lam mo naman na mahirap na ngayon eh, ang layo ng commute mo everyday, tas yung klase mo 8 nagsisimula, eh di anong oras ka niyan aalis dito?"
"isa pa anong oras ka niyan makakauwi, delikado pa naman ngayong panahon na to."my dad said looking up from the tv.
"eh dad may sasakyan naman si mike eh, siya nalang ang hatid sundo sa kin di ba?"
" paguusapan namin ng daddy mo, sige na magpahinga ka na." my mom said.
the issue was not even finished. even my sister was on to me as i entered our bedroom, she had a different opinion about it though.
"ate, ano titira ka kila lola?" she asked.
"ayoko! paano si mike di ba? naku sigurado mapa praning yun."
"pero ate, tignan mo nalang, si lola hindi naman yun strict, tapos imagine may sarili kang room and you can do whatever you want. ang lapit mo pa sa mga gimikan?" she said with a hint of envy.
"hmmm, hindi ko naisip yun ah, pero just the thought of it that sounds really interesting."
"di ba? tutal naman may wheels naman si mike so magkikita pa din kayo araw araw di ba?"
she has a point, and that idea made me think twice about being here. hmmm? parang ang sarap nga kila lola and to think na hindi naman siya strict and tama nga sis ko ang lapit lang ng mga gimikan dun, i can do whatever i want di ba? pero... paano si mike? he hates the idea of me going out on my own, let alone moving out and living alone with my lola...how can i tell him that, and the more i think about moving, the more inviting it becomes...shoot! is that bad? me having the idea of moving out??? naku patay ako nito kay mike kapag sinabi ko yung feelings about moving, but i dont know, maybe he'll like the idea of change? gosh! this is scary, i should just wait for my parents' decision the i'll go ahead and tell him after.
"ate si mike asa phone." my sister interrupted my thoughts.
"ah ok, sige thanks. hello?" i said as i answered the phone.
i guess i have to keep it as a secret for now, i have to think hard about this new opprtunity hopefully, he'll understand...
oooopppsss, im sorry to have jumped my story this far, recap: the night of his senior year went out great by the way, there were good people, good music and of course good food, not to mention that one of his buds got crowned king of the night which made our group the center of attention which was really fun! and then summer came, i got really excited coz now i know i'd have more time to hang out with mike.. well it was just wishful thinking on my part. He and I became really busy going over applications for universities and colleges. He was really aiming on this one school where his dad graduated from and it would mean alot to his parents if he gets in,and lucky for him he did
"that's good news :)" i replied back. hooo! finally we'll have time to relax, it had been hectic this past few weeks, luckily i myself got in the university that i was rootin' for. "ok i'll see you tonight sa bahay ha? dinner tayo i'll cook." i sent him another message.
"sige! that'll be good." see you hal! love you!" he sent back.
Hay salamat, sa wakas we could just chill and talk about this... whew!
and so i cooked for him for dinner and of course for the whole family na din. food for dinner was sinigang and by the time that my parents got home dinner was ready... as everyone was trying to settle down their sits, dumating si mike.
"oh mike, tamang tama ang dating mo.. lika na kain na." my dad invited him.
"ah opo thanks po tito."
so we all sat down and said our graces. then we started eating and chatting happily then my dad asked him a question: "oh ano mike natanggap mo na ba yung letter mo dun sa university na gusto mo?" he asked.
" ah eh.. opo tito, kanina ko lang din po nakuha eh."
"naku, siguro your parents are so proud of you ano?"
"oo nga po eh, lalo na si daddy ."
"naku etong si tixie, kakatanggap lang niya din nung letter niya and we're actually planning to move her dun sa lola niya, ang layo kasi ng commute eh, lam mo naman ang traffic." my mom interrupted.
wait a second... did i just hear my mom tell mike that i might move to lola's house in manila??? uhoh! not good.. ok mom drop it! not infront of mike, we havent even talked about it yet...
"ah talaga po? hindi pa ho nababanggit ni trix sa kin," he said politely as he tried to swallow his food.
"eh kasi mike hindi pa naman sure yun eh." i said looking back at my mom giving her the look to drop the subject, but i guess she cant take a hint.
"chaka lam mo naman delikado na din ang panahon ngayon kaya mas maigi na din yung andun siya sa lola niya, para hindi din mahirapan mag pabalik balik dito sa bahay." my mom said.
"eh ikaw mike, commute ka lang din ba?" my dad interrupted.
"umm, binili po kasi ako ni mama ng bagong sasakyan eh, ok nga po tito kasi di ba, kahit hindi na umalis si trix kahit hatid sundo ko nlang siya." he offered, looking at my mom.
"naku mike, sige nga at pagiisipan namin ng tito mo."
"ma, iba nalang muna pagusapan natin halos buong summer na ito yung pinaguusapan eh." i said.
and so we did, we started talking about, how each other's day went. After dinner I offered to do the dishes and mike offered to help out, at least we both have time to talk about the "moving out" deal, which of course he didnt know and much worse i didnt! as i was carrying all the dishes towards the sink, mike started talking..
"lipat ka din pala sa lola mo eh noh?" he asked wiping off the table.
"ano ka ba, hindi pa naman yun sigurado eh, ni hindi pa nga namin napaguusapan yun, ito lang si mommy ang mapilit." i said.
"eh paano yan kapag nag decide sila na dun ka na? paano na tayo?"
"ito naman wala pa nga eh, di bale sabihin kay daddy may sasakyan ka na naman kaya pwede mo na ko hatid sundo." i said.
"hmm. bahala na." he said giving me a smack on the lips, then he just shrugged his shrugged his shoulders.
When mike left i went to my parents' room to discuss the "moving" issue.
"ma? totoo ba? plano niyo ni dad na dun ako kila lola sa manila?" i asked.
"well, titignan natin kasi lam mo naman na mahirap na ngayon eh, ang layo ng commute mo everyday, tas yung klase mo 8 nagsisimula, eh di anong oras ka niyan aalis dito?"
"isa pa anong oras ka niyan makakauwi, delikado pa naman ngayong panahon na to."my dad said looking up from the tv.
"eh dad may sasakyan naman si mike eh, siya nalang ang hatid sundo sa kin di ba?"
" paguusapan namin ng daddy mo, sige na magpahinga ka na." my mom said.
the issue was not even finished. even my sister was on to me as i entered our bedroom, she had a different opinion about it though.
"ate, ano titira ka kila lola?" she asked.
"ayoko! paano si mike di ba? naku sigurado mapa praning yun."
"pero ate, tignan mo nalang, si lola hindi naman yun strict, tapos imagine may sarili kang room and you can do whatever you want. ang lapit mo pa sa mga gimikan?" she said with a hint of envy.
"hmmm, hindi ko naisip yun ah, pero just the thought of it that sounds really interesting."
"di ba? tutal naman may wheels naman si mike so magkikita pa din kayo araw araw di ba?"
she has a point, and that idea made me think twice about being here. hmmm? parang ang sarap nga kila lola and to think na hindi naman siya strict and tama nga sis ko ang lapit lang ng mga gimikan dun, i can do whatever i want di ba? pero... paano si mike? he hates the idea of me going out on my own, let alone moving out and living alone with my lola...how can i tell him that, and the more i think about moving, the more inviting it becomes...shoot! is that bad? me having the idea of moving out??? naku patay ako nito kay mike kapag sinabi ko yung feelings about moving, but i dont know, maybe he'll like the idea of change? gosh! this is scary, i should just wait for my parents' decision the i'll go ahead and tell him after.
"ate si mike asa phone." my sister interrupted my thoughts.
"ah ok, sige thanks. hello?" i said as i answered the phone.
i guess i have to keep it as a secret for now, i have to think hard about this new opprtunity hopefully, he'll understand...
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