The first semester of my freshmen year as a college student was pretty good oh wait a minute it was hella good! It was so convenient without the long commute home, my university was about 10 minutes away from lola's house, which gave me more time to participate with extra curricular activities like more time for outreach programs for my college and i even volunteered myself as an assistant in the Dean's office, which meant that i made Mike's life a living hell...
"sabi ko na nga ba daming magbabago eh." he said sadly as we were having lunch at a local cafeteria.
"ano ka ba mike?! yan ka nanaman with your complains...i still do make time for you, for us di ba?" i said, getting irritated with the same argument every single time we hang out. but for one thing he was right, may be i was just too scared to even admit it. we became strangers overnight, we can no longer talk about things without having an argument, its either he gets jealous of how much time i spend time at school or i get mad at him for not being supportive. I became a social butterfly, and he spent more time in seclusion.
"bakit ba kapag kasama mo yang mga barkada mo yung ngiti mo hanggang tenga na? kapag ako kasama mo kulang sumayad yang nguso mo!" he said knowingly. ok, that's just it!
"bakit din ba kelangang maging diskusyon ang mga kaibigan ko sa tin?!" i said heatedly. i was trying so hard to lower my voice, but this has got to stop. i cant do this anymore, i just want him to support me and to understand me. and yep this long distance thing is already taking its toll on both of us, masakit na sa ulo!
"so what do you want me to do mike?" i asked
"spend more time with me, quit your extra activities and be with me. "
"ok ka lang? do you know how happy iam with what im doing? do you have any idea how important those things are for me?"
"mas importante pa ba sila kaysa sa kin?" he asked. this time i just grabbed my tray, threw out my food in the garbage and started walking away from him, i was just so upset hindi ko na din alam kung may sasabihin pa ko.
"so that's it you're just going to walk away?" he asked trying to catch up.
"ano pang gusto mo sa kin mike? why can you not just be happy for me? bakit ba palagi mo nalang pinamumuka sa kin na iiwan na kita? i know im not!"
"natatakot ako trix." he said, "im just so scared of losing you." he continued with his voice cracking.
"i wont ok? not this way, i know i might have changed alot but please know na hindi kita pagpapalit." i reassured him.
ok so i have a confession to make, this past few days i made some realizations: i started asking myself, "why am i with mike? is it because i got used to being with him? or do i still love him?"i know, i know... masama yung iniisip ko, its just that sometimes naiisip ko na sagabal na siya sa success ko, na i could've done so much more without his whinning and bickering. am i being mean? or being true to myself? minsan din i have this feeling inside me na instead na excited ako to finally see him after a long day at school, i would dread seeing him.. para bang scary na and hindi na exciting yung pagkikita namin dahil alam ko na mauuwi lang sa away. onthe other hand naman when were together and we dont talk about school or we just hangout on the weekends when i go home, parang iba nanaman yung mundo namin, it was when we'd find ourselves not having any qualms about anything. so for some reason im caught in the middle of something scary. i can feel that all along he's right about changes im just to chicken sh*@ to admit it!
i took a deep breath and said, "see, nasayang lang yung lunch break natin sa pagaaway lang.. tsk tsk."
"im sorry kung ang selfish ko ah, gusto ko kasi akin ka lang, the thought of you spending more time with school and friends... ayoko nun." he said kissing my hand.
whoa!!! what??? tama ba yung dinig ko? i wanted to press more argument with what he just said, but chose to keep my mouth shut instead, that'd be another squabble i thought. that made me think though, paano nalang kung mas lumaki na yung responsibilities ko with school work and outreach programs? maiintindihan niya kaya?or are we going back to the same argument? much worse would we go our separate ways?
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Whenever one of you grows in ways that the other is not familiar of, there is a tendency to be feeling like a huge gap is forming between you two. The fact that your world does not revolve around him anymore makes him feel like you are different because you actually LIKE doing other stuff too besides going to school and spending every waking hour with him. I had a bf when I was still adjusting in college. Meaning I don't have much of a life. Then I started to be more busy with friends and other stuff. After a few months, I felt like we hardly have anything in common and that he can't jive with me. That I was tired of being the grown-up listening to him whine. So I dumped him. Hehehe. It happens. We grow up, they don't.
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