before i let you go

So, What happened last night shook me up! i felt happy and at the same time sad, more sad than ever.. so what's going to happen now? im happy to know that he does love me still but at the same time what am i going to do with that? im leaving soon and plus he does have a girlfriend. haaayyy! ewan ko na lalong ang gulo. maybe i should just leave everything as it is for now, ill let him sleep on it and maybe then we'll be able to figure out something...



So Sunday morning, i had a hearty breakfast with the family, my parents decided that they are going to spend the weekend over at our province to take care of some paperwork so my sister and I have the house to ourselves. at last, peace!!! Much needed one. i was planning out my day when my cell phone went off...



"trix!" it was ange on the other line. "punta kami diyan mamya ah...since lapit ka na din namang umalis might as well spend as much time as possible di ba? diyan na din kami matutulog, we'll be there in an hour or so." she said.

"ok, gie no prob. i'll see you guys when you get here, tamang tama solo ko bahay, wala sila mommy eh, uuwi sa batangas may mga aasikasuhin daw."

"ok gie ill see you then!"



so i cleaned the house and prepared lunch for the crew, told my mom that my friends are coming over for the weekend. They were cool about it because they like my friends anyway. FYI: almost

half of the day havent heard anything from mike yet...*Sigh* oh well, dadating naman ang mga friends ko so i guess, ill just concetrate on them and tell them what the heck just happened last night. As soon as my folks were out the door, i immediately flopped down the couch and again my thoughts went back to the conversation last night, that was something that i wasnt expecting. i wasnt even nearly prepared for it. ano ba to??? wala na ba kong gagawin sa buhay kungdi tumanganga at magisip??? this is really getting ridiculous!!! isip ako ng isip eh iniisip ba naman ako? darn it!!!



So my friends came and we had lunch, It was Angie, Carol, ninya and Tere that came and told them what happened, sa lunch table:

"so ano na ngayon ang gagawin ko?" i asked them, after telling them of the conversation.

"eh ano bang magagawa mo, eh aalis ka din naman, isa pa may girlfriend din yung tao." ange said with her mouth half full of food.

"chaka what good will it do for you guys kung magkabalikan man kayo? baka masaktan ka lang." carol, one of my good friends mentioned as well."

"pero, wala naman din kasi binanggit si mike na nakikipagbalikan siya di ba? so why think so much about it?" ange said.

"ewan ko ba, basta parang naguluhan lang lalo ako nung sinabi niya yun sa kin." i said as i was staring at my plate and playing with my leftovers.

"lam mo trix wag ka makinig sa mga bitter na to, whatever you feel like you have to go with your instincts ika ka nila, konting panahon ka nalang dito, then be happy and just go with it."tere said as she reached for the kanin.

si ninya naman may ibang opinion din: "lam mo trix, ang feeling ko diyan kay mike, may feelings yan sa yo, sad to say yung gf niya ngayon, i think he just used her to get over you.. sorry ah im just beinbg truthful or else bakit pa niya yun sasabihin sa yo di ba? at kung talaga ngang masaya na siya sa gf niya bakit nakuha ka pa din niyang tawagan?'

"korak" tere exclaimed giving ninya a high five

and so the debate and the bantering went on and on on how this issue should be handled, it funny to watch and hear their thoughts, parang yung mga iniisip ko lang nasasabi nila out loud, kaya mas masaya lang na nakikinig ka lang.

carol asked, "trix, simba tayo tonight and then maybe we could swing by errols place." she asked me this because they played pool one time and they kinda of hung out.

"sige punta tayo sa kanila after church pero uwi na din tayo after ah?" i answered.

"teka trix, di ba lapit lang yung bahay nila mike dun kila errol?" angie asked.

I cant believe that she can remember this and the answer:

"oo magkatabi lang din sila ng bahay." i answered quite nervously.

"eh baka naman magkita pa kayo ni mike niyan ah." carol interjected.

"malabo na yun, weekend ngayon eh baka nasa gf niya yun for sure." i said sadly, with a hint of hope to see him tonight. I haven't seen him in months now. I stood up and walked in the living room and went straight to the mirror and started thinking while looking at myself."tagal na din naming hindi nagkikita. ang laki na ng binago ng ichura ko, haba na buhok ko, will he like it? kung makita niya? nasa bahay kaya siya mamya?"

"HUY!" angie jumped from behind me, interrupting my thoughts. "iniisip mo si mike noh?"

"wag ka na maingay jan gie, baka madinig ka nila carol maigi na yung ako nalang din or tayo nalang din ang may alam. ewan ko gie hindi ko din ma sabi yung pakiramdam ko ngayon eh, parang excited ako na hindi, na takot na at the same time asa pa, na kinikilig na parang highschool ulit... ang labo.. pero di ba asa pa naman ako dun?"

"naku trix, ithink you still love him... ay, wait, no i dont think pala i know!.." she said.

and so we went to church, ang haba ng mass, with the sermon and all parang hindi na matatapos, pero parang ang sama ko na din kasi parang i want it to be done ASAP! parang hindi na din ako maka antay. and then when the mass was finally over...

"o san na tayo? tara na kila errol?" carol asked.

"sige kayo, ako naman eh passenger lang." i said quietly taking the back seat. i navigate our way to errol's house. pag dating namin dun, we all came out of the car and knocked on his gate. good thing he came out at once.

"oh trix? balita?" he asked surprised.

"eh eto sila carol gusto ka daw dalawin eh, so i took them out here., ok lang ba? baka kasi naabala ka naman namin." i asked.

"ano ka ba? hindi noh, ive been bored anyway, tara dun tayo sa kubo he said, pointing to the small nipa hut "tamabayan" on the vacant lot infront of their house.

everybody went walking that way, and then ayun na walang humpay na kwentuhan at kamustahan on how everythis is. I, pn the other hand was just quiet, just staring into space. naiisip ko " wala nga siguro si mike." and then:

"trix, gusto mo tignan ko kung andyan si mike?" errol asked me.

"ummm, wag na rol, baka kasi wala din siya diyan eh, tas baka tulog na din may pasok pa naman din bukas. ok lang." i answered. well i guess my face is saying the opposite thing, because he starred walkin towards mike's house.

"mike?! mike?! tita andyan po ba si mike?" he asked mike's mom as she peered out the gate."

and then everything was just muffled sounds i cant understand and i cant even hear what they were saying because my heart "Boom boom boom!" my heart was way louder that the music that was playing from carol's car that was parked infront of us. sobrang kabado ako, i swear i think my friends can hear my heart beating 100 miles a minute. and then Errol came back.

"o andyan na daw, bibihis lang daw and then lalabas na daw siya."

for the first time i was speechless, i was just speechless! wala akong masabi, parng mas mabilis mag isip yung utak ko kesa sa buka ng bibig ko! i was still trying to find words when i suddenly saw him walking our way, i cant even describe you how elated and how happy i was nung nakita ko siyang naglalakad towards where we at... again.. tulala nanaman ako..

"hi trix. kamusta? he said softly.

i was just staring as in titig ah.. not unti angie nudged me from behind. "trix kamusta daw!"

'hi ok lang ikaw?" i said meekly.

"trix? can we talk?" he asked offering his hand.

I took it, and dang was my hands shaking not to mention cold and clammy. we alked slwoly away from our crowd and settled in a corner of this street. with the lights low.

he held my hand tightly and i held his, like it really belonged together. "ganun pa din kamay mo pawis when youre nervous."

"yeah i know, good to see you, you know. its been awhile na din." i said.

"same here, ang haba na din ng buhok mo ah.. it suits you, just keep it like that.

then awkward moment ulit... then we started talking again, parang yung dati, about school, friends, kung ano na pinagkaka abalahan namin and so on.. and then we started talking about me leaving.

"aalis ka na noh? kelan?" he asked his facial expression changed from being happty to sad.

"soon. wala pa ding definite date e, basta sabi ni mommy ASAP daw, as soon as makahanap siya ng place where we can stay then we can leave. mike, im so sorry for the things that i've done. hindi ko sinasadya, laht ng mga sinabi ko hindi ko din yun lahat mine mean. im so sorry..." with this i just started crying to him. I talked on and on and cried telling him how much im going to miss him and telling him that i hope that he's happy now. hindi siya nagsalita, he just listened, held me close and never said anything back. He neednt be. when i was finally able to settle down. i looked at him again. this time he was the one who was teary eyed and he said:

"ako din sorry din sa mga nagawa at nasabi ko sa yo. HIndi ko alam na ganun ka na din pala nahihirapan eh, iw as too selfish to admit na may mga mali din on my part. and now it seems its too late for me to tell you na dont go... baka kasi hindi ko makaya, kapag nawala ka na." he said this time there really were tears coming down his cheeks.

"please dont leave me. I love you trix!" he finally said. then he kissed me lightly on my lips. hindi ko na din matandaan what we talked about after that, all i can remember was the sadness and the hurt that both loomed over us, ang daming laman ng isip ko nun, questions that has no definite answers, it was so sad to know that im leaving things like this.

when we got back to the "kubo" they all stopped and looked at us. no one dared asked a question. they knew what went on. but we have to go home one way or the other right? with this we quietly said our goodnights and headed home unsure of what's to come...

Paano na?

I decided to come home to cavite for the weekend, after all i deserve it! plus, the play that i directed was done and over with so i guess i deserve a break. it was one of my much awaited drive home anyway.. as usual the commute was long and tiring but just thinking of home makes it worthwhile.

My folks were in the living room when i got home, it seems like they were in a serious conversation when i walked in. i felt like i was intruding...
"nak, upo ka may paguusapan tayo." my mom said pointing at the couch where i should sit.
"ummm, ok" i said giving them pecks on their cheeks before settling down on the couch.
"napagusapan kasi namin ng daddy mo na since malayo si kuya mo and magisa lang siya sa states...na lumipat na din tayo lahat dun, as soon as possible." she exhaled after saying all this. wait, am i hearing it right? aalis na kami papuntang amerika? not to visit but to actually live there? seems like a good idea, since ayoko na din naman ng atmosphere dito and pretty much everyone has gone their own way, siguro its time na din for me to get away from it all. Wala na din naman si mike he moved on, baka mas makakabuti to sa kin.. sa min...
" ano nak, ano sa palagay mo?" mom ask interrupting my thoughts.
"final na ba yan ma? as in decided na din kayo na lilipat na tayo? san tayo titira and anong work niyo dun?magsisimula tayo ulit?" i asked.
"oo decided na din kami ng mommy mo, hahanap tayo ng matitirahan dun, magsisimula tayo lahat ulit, your mom found a good job there na kasama ang family. so this is going to be a very good opportunity for all of us, plus makakasama na din natin ang kuya mo." my dad said.
"ok dad, states it is." i answered. "but what about school?i just started the semester, sayang naman."
"your mom and i will discuss that, as of now ang final lang is that were all moving ok?" my dad said.
"o sige na nak, magbihis at magpahinga ka na tas kakain na din tayo maya maya." she said.

I went to my room and my sister was sitting on her bed.
"ano, nasabi na sa yo ni mommy?" she asked.
"oo nasabi niya na kanina pag pasok ko."
"so what do you think?"
"ok lang sa kin tutal naman nakakatamad na din dito sa pinas eh, mas magandang change na din siguro dun chaka may kasama na din si kuya di ba?" i said
"sabagay, ok na din sa kin."
"teka bihis lang din ako kakain na din daw tayo, labas ako maya after dinner sabihin ko pala sa barkada na aalis tayo ASAP." i said.
"ay 'te paano si richard? nasabi mo na ba sa kanya?" she asked me.
"hindi pa, pero i know na walang reaksyon yun, may gf na yun eh..." i said. this kind of struck me, paano na nga kaya siya, will he get affected? i really have to get out of the house to go see my friends and tell them what just happend.

"so final na daw ba yan? sabi ng mommy mo?" asked bing in disbelief. we are now by her house hanging out with a bunch of our friends that still couldnt believe that i had to leave so soon, so fast.
"oo daw eh. parang ang bilis nga lang din ng decision nila mommy, pati sa school hindi pa din sure kung matatapos namin tong sem na to." i said.
"wow! napakabilis nga..." bing exclaimed.
"so trix, paano na pinsan ko? does he know that youre leaving?" errol, mike's cousin asked.
"hindi ko lam rol, would just let him know then? can you tell h im also that im so sorry for everything?" with this i got teary eyed all of a sudden. "tell him na binabawi ko lahat ng sinabi ko sa kanya, that i regret all those bad things that i did to him, im happy na din na he found someone to love, and can you give him this as well." i said unclasping the bracelet that i have on my arm, he gave this to me from a long time ago "sabi niya kasi hiram lang eh, so now that im leaving, i know that he would want it back."
"bakit hindi ikaw magbigay?" he asked.
"hindi na, just give it to him and tell him im so sorry for everything." with this i turned my back to him and started crying. it got worse than that i really cried and he just stood there watching me and felt bad for me. sobrang lalo akong nalungkot that im leaving some wonderful people behind.

When i got home that night, as soon as hit the bed, my bedside phone rang it was errol:
"trix, nabigay na yung bracelet mo, and told him na aalis ka na soon."
"anong sabi niya?"
"kinuha lang niya yung bracelet tas sabi lang niya good for you daw, tas yun na yun, umalis na din ako after." there was a long pause.
"ah ganun ba? wala na ding sinabing iba?.. sige rol, thanks ha, pahinga na din ako. it has been a long night." i said
"ay trix, nung sinabi ko kasi yun andun si sheena sa tabi niya, so hindi din kasi ako sure nun kung yun talaga reaksyon niya. pero sige pahinga ka na, bukas nalang ulit. night" and we both hung up after that.

It was almost 2 am when i decided to actually get some sleep, hindi ako makatulog eh, ang dami kong iniisip, parang ang daming laman ng utako, it has been an hour since i hung up with errol and i was just staring at my ceiling when i decided to quit and get some much needed sleep. when..

RRRiiinnnnnggggg..... mhan, too late for phone but i picked it up anyway, i dont want to wake my parents up.
"hello?" i said silently.
"hi" it said on the other line, it was that oh so familiar voice..*kilig*
"hi mike!" parang ang late na ata para tumawag ka ah, what's up?" i asked
"i heard from errol, aalis ka daw, is that true?"
hindi pa man ako nakakasagot i started crying but tried for him not to hear it. "oo eh, tutal naman i guess its about time, i have nothing left and plus sabi ni ma, mas maganda na daw na magsisimula kami ng maayos dun." i was still crying when i was saying this but i was trying to brave it out, if theres such a word.
"hindi ka na din papa pigil?"
"bakit pa? everything's all set."
"kelan ang alis niyo?"
"Soon. hindi ko pa din alam kung kelan eh, wala pang definite date. mike, i just wanna say that iam so sorry for everything, sa pagiging selfish ko, im so sorry for that, sa lahat ng mga sinabi kong masasakit, sa mga ginawa ko. no one deserves that. sorry talaga, and i hope na happy ka na din with her. she's very lucky to have you." and with this it did became obvious that i was crying.
"wala na yun trix, tapos na yun eh, sorry din for everything. is there anyway i can make you stay?"he asked sounding as if he was choking back tears as well.
"wala na mike eh, arrangements have been made, its just a matter of time nalang din." i said. "mike, you know i love you no matter what di ba?" i wish i could honestly say that im happy for you pero nakakalungkot ako, i wish it were me, yun lang." i said between tears.
"trix, you know i always have loved you, hindi na yun magbabago."he said...

Worth fighting for

After a few weeks, i tried to get over of what i saw. siympre hindi madali yun and there are times na i would text mike, i know it was too pathetic but come to think of it when he was in my place. he was miserable too, ginawa niya din ang lahat to get me back, he literally begged me, but i was too arrogant and too stubborn to take him back. So I guess he got tired of it and decided to move on... so why cant i? eh ako naman ang humingi nito? is it pride? ego? hindi eh, alam ko kung anong feeling to.. i still love him, is it too late? i think it is... pero hindi, ill fight for it like what he did to fight for me. for us...

A beep on my cellphone pulled me from my thoughts...
"hi, kmusta trix, mike hs bin telling me ol bout u.. im sheena by d way, gamit ko ksi cel niya today eh. so hw r u?" it read.
WTF!!!!ano to? i thought at first it was mike, then as i was scrolling down the text hindi naman pala.. ano nanaman to, why the heck are they doing this? more torture? why is she trying to befriend me? ayos to ah..but i thought, sige na nga two can play this game.
"hi. im ok. nice miting u." i replied.
"nga pala mike mentioned dat u lyk fristyle band dw, deyr playing d2 s campus sa wikend, pnta k. bring a date wid u f u lyk." she texted back.
"ah rily.cge il c wat i cn do. tnx!" i replied.
"cge n, wat r sisters for?"
ANO DAW??? sisters daw? since when naging maging sisters ang magkaribal... mahn this is too damn much! does mike know that this is going on? sobra na atang torture to ah... after that i didnt reply back. parang lokohan lang kasi i dont even call my closest friends "sisters" and here she is proclaiming herself... AS IF!!! so after that i went to angie's place nalang to hang out. most of my friends were there, so ayun dun nalang din muna kami, i told them what happened and ange was fuming mad! as in mad!
"what the hell was mike thinking??? bakit niya hinayaan na mag text text yung babae niya sa yo?" she asked me, with her eyes getting bigger as if they were going to come out of their sockets.
"ewan! pero nice naman yung girl eh, shes even trying to invite me sa concert ng freestyle, punta tyo gie!" i answered.
"Cristina! nahihibang ka na talaga?! cant you see theyre both playing you kung hanggang san ka sasakay, ikaw naman sakay na sakay ka...mag isip isip ka naman, have some balls to stand for yourself kinaka wawa ka na nakatanga ka pa din."now she's sounding upset.
"lets just let them be, yaan mo nalang natin, yoko din naman ng gulo." i said as i stood up and went to the kitchen to go get merienda, that issue got me hungry. i prepared some sandwhiches for the crew and went back to the living room. When i did, something was not right. all of them were looking at me, smiling and one of my friends commented,
"ayan trix, ange took care of it, ikaw eh iniwan mo cell mo dito eh..." she said.
"what do you mean?" i asked as i grabbed my cell and checked on the "sent" box. it read.
"hoy mike! si ange to, sabihin m nmn s mgling mong gf n 2migil s kktxt ky trix, thimik n un tao s let her be.pwede pgsbhan mo!!!."
OMG!!! "ANGEEE!!! tinext mo to?" i said holding up my cell on her face.
"Oh bakit naman hindi? kung hindi mo kaya gawin, ill do it for you." she answered and snickered. then the phone beeped again. it read:
"ange, mike to. srry hndi k lm dat she ws txting trix,sensya n, i will tel her."
"nakita mo na? ni hindi pala alam ni mike! i know mike wouldnt do that to me." i said relieved and at the same time felt that pain again, like stab in the heart pain, the yearning pain... basta hirap i describe eh.


Gabi na din kami natapos kila ange, so on my way home siympre yun pa din ang laman ng utak ko.. but oh well, kaya ayokong mag isa eh, kasi i would end up being sad again... so i got to my room humiga and then started thinking again, umiiyak nanamn ako.. pathetic mode nanaman ako... toot toot! my phone beeped.
"hi trx mike to, srry bout d txt ha. u ok?"
let me tell you this when i saw this text yung iyak ko lalong mas grabe, lalong bumaha sa room ko ng luha... God how i wanted to just call him and tell him "please take me back, im so sorry for everything..." but im not in a perfect world and hindi din naman ako pinanganak na wrecker, so as much as i wanted to be with him, i have to stop myself from doing this.
"hi mike, its ok, im ok and tnx! ingat k lagi!" i replied. this is when i started praying for my pain to just go away, sabi ko baka happy na din siya with his life and i guess i have to let go and move on.. as much as this is worth fighting for.. hindi nalang. its hard to fight over something when you know that you've lost already. masakit sobra, but i guess i needed that to be able to move on. para matanggap ko...one thing for sure this is going to be a very sad journey for me...

When morning comes...

And so I woke up the following day, more depressed than ever, i sat on my bed thinking... "talagang wala na yata 'to, pro bakit ganto pakiramdam ko? im the one who wanted this di ba? then how come i have all these regrets?" I have to drag my whole body to get out of bed and go to class, after all i have a big day today. I have all this projects that i have to take care of, my mind's trying to stay focus on today's tasks. As i was in the shower thinking of things that i still have to take care of, tears were already rolling down my cheeks, until i just started crying.. i let it all out... wala namang makakadinig sa kin eh so ok lang... the shower pretty much drowned my muffled cries.

"oh trix ano naman nangyri sa mata mo? sama ba gising?" angie asked me as i walked in the auditorium door.
"napuyat lang kagabi, hindi ako makatulog eh." i lied. she then looked at me like she heard what i was thinking.
"liar! si mike yan noh? what happened?" she asked. that's what i love about her, she could read me like the palm of her hands. after she asked me that i pulled her to the side to avoid people staring and poured my heart out. Again, iyak to death nanaman ako nun, it felt like i was desperately in need of someone to let it out to. Good thing that i dont have to talk as much kasi i know that no matter what, i know that of all the people, ange is the one who can and will understand what is going on.

"so anong plano mong gawin ngayon." she asked with a sigh after listening to my so called crisis. "hindi ko din alam eh, i guess i just want to see him, talk to him perhaps, puntahan kaya natin sa school? what do you think?" i asked.
"huwwwaaattt??? nasisiraan ka na ba talaga? ganyan ka na ba talaga ka desperate?" she asked, her voice getting a little louder.
"ssshhhh, wag namang maingay." i told her. "sorry pero yun lang din kasi yung alam kong gawin for now eh. please naman gie oh.. samahan mo lang ako, then after that promise ko i'll stop when i find out kung talagang masaya na nga siya.. please..." i begged.
"ok ok fine! naku cristina, basta just this one time ok? after this we're done." she agreed.
"sige let's go after we get out today." i told her as i walked away before she could change her mind.

The day went out fast. but for me it was as slow as a turtle. I just cant wait to see him, talk things out with him. God i miss him! And so we commuted to his school. and then she asked:
"teka what does his sched look like?"
"ummm ewan ko din eh, but i know he should still be in here baka palabas na din yun." i said quite nervous thinking na baka nakauwi na yun.
"you mean to tell me trix, that you dont have the faintest idea what time he gets out of class?" she asked.
"sorry gie, hindi ko naisip yun eh, andito pa yun for sure, its still too early for him anyway." i said.
So as we were arguing we did not even notice that he was walking out of the campus.
"Shet! Trix yan na ang prince charming mo!!!" she exclaimed pointing to where he was coming from. We were quite far though.
As i was trying to ready myself in approaching him i didnt notice that he was with someone. he was holding hands with someone. This, i did not notice for i was so fixated looking at him, missing him...
"Shet gie, may kasama, theyre heading this way.. hide!!!" we dashed and hid behind a rundown jeep. and as we did, ange kept on talking and mumbling words that even i cant decipher anymore, i was just so focused on the fact that he was so near yet so far and... with someone else. I was so focused on staring at his face, God I really do miss him! He looked happy and carefree, that he didnt even notice that we were in fact a few feet away from him. after they were gone...
"O, ayan ah, napagbigyan na kita,siguro naman you'll stop this nonsense di ba?"ange said.
"tara uwi na tayo." i said.
As we commuted our way back to our place, i was completely blank and numb. sounds dumb and pathetic but it did felt like my whole world came crashing down, pinipigil ko lang umiyak kasi nakakahiya sa mga tao, but as soon as we got to my place and ange laid he hand on my shoulder, ayun na, dire direcho na iyak ko nun, ange and I need not to exchange words, hindi na din namin kelangan yun.. alam na namin eh, hindi ko lang din matanggap na that was it. And worse... i cant accept it....

Single....

First day of school is always been excited for me, eto nanaman ako on my junior year and so much excited to be back to see my friends.. I already have a long list of things to do and places to go this semester, lalo na ngayon single nanaman ako! yahooo! I just cant quit on thinking billiard nights, getting drunk nights and parties that are endless! all of which my parents and my lola (where i live) have no idea or whatsoever of what is going on with my social life when im in school...

"Angeeee!!!" I screamed across the hallway of our building calling on to my closest friend at school. We were both ecstatic to see each other, we have the same classes yet again. We are inseperable... again! " Trix!!!! oh how was your break?" she asked with so much enthusiam and interest. " ayun same ole, went to the stated to see kuya for three weeks, lam mo na little R&R chaka malayo na din kay you-know-who." i said. "sus talaga ba namang over na yan?" she asked. " oo naman, eh may bago na nga daw gf eh, from what i heard ah." i answered knowingly. and so we changed the subject and continued on with our conversation on how our break went.

For weeks of school i did nothing but party, play pool, get drunk and go to different clubs, 'twas so fun... I always would come home to my lola's house wee hours in the morning with my friends in tow so they could crash for a few hours before heading home.Good thing my lola was so used to the idea of raising 3 boys ( my dad and 2 uncles) that she was used to people coming home butt crack of dawn, minsan i would even lie about the time..(sorry lola!). She would wake up when were trying to tip toe going up to my room and asked what the time is and i would tell her, "aga pa la, 12am pa lang."i would say, even if it was almost 4am, then she would go back to sleep. This went on for months. I dont even know how i survived my classes, let alone yung gastos of going out. Until, just that one day after coming home from a party that i felt sad and so alone...so weird that i almost felt like crying... I mean I have friends that i can call, kaya lang for the first time since our break up i missed him so... i started asking myself "is this all there is? I gave him up for this partyin sh**t?"parang it doesnt make sense, now that im tired of it.

So I woke the follwing day, feeling that i have to revamp my lifestyle, sabi ko i think i've had enough of this. I need to focus more sa school ko and my life, when i realized this, i think i also made a huge realization, tama si mike... he was guiding me, ako lang ang matigas ang ulo, i thought i know better, but now that i've had enough i have nothing but regrets!!! The more that i wanted to changed the more it got lonelier for me... parang kulang na. I missed him so and I cant do anything about it... naisip ko, tahimik na din siya eh, and from what ive been hearing from his friends and from my friends back home, he looked like he's happy and contented na din... which made me realize what i've lost... I so wanted to be with him, call him, say hi to him and most importantly to apologized for all the bad things i've said, that i shouldnt have. ang laki ng pagkakamali ko sa kanya... ang dami ko ding pagkukulang inspite of everything that he did for me. I realized that everything was too late for me... for us!

I busied myself with school and with activities to keep me preoccupied, kahit na deep inside para kong nauupos na candila, parang hindi matapos yung pain. I know my friends can actually see and feel that but they try not to talk to me about it, parang hinayaan lang din nila na mag wallow ako sa sadness, they thought it was just a phase for me. Until one day....

"Ok, so for the english week, Miss Bautista will be directing the play for the class to be presented in two weeks, can you handle such activity Miss Bautista?"my english instructor asked. I was surprised and at the same time dumbfounded that i was given such opportunity. All I can hear are whoot and cheer of my classmates and i just went "yes ma'am, i will do my best." i answered with such nervousness in my voice. And so i went to work right away, as a director of the play, i chose the strongest staff i could get from the class, it was hella work but it was well worth it. It was a good therapy as well coz literally i was so tired that i'd go straight to bed when i get home and then wake up really early to do same thing again. I loved it, being tired all day and never stopping, there never was a stopping point for me. My staff was getting tired of me too, i was coined "the slave driver" coz i would make them work until wee hours in the morning. sadness still ate me all the time towards the end of the day. Then one day, i actually mis text mike thinking it was my staff. i remember vividly what was said on the exchange. "marg, please dont forget to show me the costings tom morning when we meet ok? thanks for hepl and good job today." i hit send and out it went, a little after a minute there was a beep on my phone,. thinking naku may nalimutan nanaman si marg... i was so surprised when i opened my inbox and there it was , it came from mike... sobrang gulat ko, i thought my heart was going to jum out of my throat, parang nanginginig pa yung hands ko when i was about to open my inbox. it read, "hu u?" and then my heart just fell... binura niya na pala ko sa list niya.. i guess i deserve that.. but it hurt so bad that i really got so emotional over it. the tears that i have been fighting off for the longest time started to come out. This is when i realized that i love him still.. i love him so... selfish of me to think or to even feel na i need him back, but one way or the other i have to find a way to talk to him again. i texted back; "sorry wrong sent, trix to, im sorry.." sent. never got a reply back after that... I turned off my lamp and drifted off to sleep holding my cell in my hand hoping that he would at least acknowledge me...never happend....

And I'm back...

"whew! grabe naman talaga ang init dito sa pinas..." i exclamied to my sister when we were boarding off the plane. We had a 3 week vacay with my older brother in the states. It was worth it! refreshing and at the same time relaxing on my part. Away from all the "chismis." we made some good friends too, which makes me miss them more as i boarded off the plane. My sister and i promised them that we'll come back and spend more time with them over the summer.

As we were approaching customs and walking this long hallway...memories cam flooding back in of what happend before my semestral break, and now am wondering how everything is. "is he ok now?" "has he recovered from it all?" I thought. "Huy ate, ikaw na." my sister said nudging me from behind." so we checked out of customs ok and walked o way to the "balikbayan area." it was exciting to be back home, familiar smell, familiar surroundings and of course the feeling of being totally home!" My folks picked us up, gave each other hugs and kisses and our kamustahans on how everyone is, how kuya is, and everyone else.

"grabe I missed my bed!" i said as i was on the phone with my best bud Bing. "grabe its been awhile din ah, 3 weeks is a long vacation." she said. so we exchanged our stories on what went on over the break, obviously trying to dodge and avoid the inevitable conversation about "you know who." but i cant help but asked. " so kamusta si mike?" i asked quietly. there was a long pause and an awkward silence. "ok naman siya, hindi din namin masyado nakikita eh, he's been quite busy with their business and balita ko may bagong gf na din." she said nonchalantly. " Ah talaga?!" i said in disbelief but tried to hide my surprise and tried sounding calm. "good for him." i added. Bing didnt seem to notice the regret in my voice. " oo nga eh at least di ba, wala na sa yo ang attention, good luck nalang sa girl." and we both laughed at the idea. "so gaano na daw sila katagal? parang ang bilis naman ata?" i asked. " na meet ata ni mike from his class eh, tas yun hanggang sa they started going out and i think nadala niya pa yung girl sa Baguio with his family, o di ba close na agad sa family niya?" she said with a little intrigue in her voice. " oh di mas ok nga sa kanila kasi nga at least tanggap ng family niya di ba?" so anyway to cut the story short, we just changed the subject and started talking about some other stuff.

There were so much things to do and that kept my mind off of mike. I have to register for classes, go get books, get my supplies ready. I feel like i have so little time left to get ready for the semester, but i was able to nail it in the nick of time. Whew! I have at least a weekend before school starts again, and plus i have to get over my jet lag. Dang! there were so many things running thru my mind, theyre running so fast too and i dont know which one to take care of first! itutulog ko nalang din muna and i think i deserve a rest na din , maybe thats what i need to take my mind off things....