as good as it gets

as i walked away from him, i have to hold back my tears, then as i turned my back from him, then that was when it did hit me... shouldn't i be happy ngayon na alam ko na what he was really feeling? shouldn't i be jumping for joy, now that he finally admitted that he have feelings for me? then why the hell am i turning away from the man of my dreams, and walking away from him?

is it because it was the feeling of being the second choice hit me? maybe.. well wait a minute i think it is. and of course the fact that i have to be sure that he wanted me for who iam and not because i resembled or because i am a part of maggie's life.

"trix you ok?" mags asked as we were getting ready to leave the clubhouse. i actually didnt have the energy to stay at the party to so i just started packing my stuff so i could go home and go to the solace of my bedroom.

"mags panget ba ko? bakit ako laging second choice? i asked, again getting teary eyed and trying to prepare for mags' response.
"ano ba yang pinagsasabi mo? ano bang nangyri sa yo?"
"he finally told me mags! he finally did! may gusto daw siya sa kin!"
"oh yun naman pala eh, isnt that suppose to be good news!" she happily said, and i swear i think she was so happy she almost fell off the bench that we were sitting on.
"i know it should be... pero bakit ganun yung feeling ko? i feel like wala nalang siyang choice that's why he had to tell me that, parang it just gave him no choice but me? tama ba na maramdaman ko yun?"
"trix, dapat nga maging masaya ka, this is suppose to be one of the happiest days for you, ito na yung matagal mo nang inaantay di ba? and if anything di ba sabi ko naman sa yo, mike doesnt deserve anyone but you."
ewan ko mags, gusto ko lang siguro na for him to prove himself, i want him to be sure on what he really wanted... hindi naman masama yun di ba?"
"i guess yo're right on that note, pero sige tignan nalang natin, if he really wants you then he'll do everything to have you di ba."

when i got home, my room was my only consolation.. i know i know.. ang O.A. for me to even act this way di ba? kung ito na nga yung gusto ko eh ano pa ba ang inaarte ko di ba? all those kilig moments and all those questions were finally answered.. lahat ng mga inaantay ko nangyayari na ng dahan dahan lang and that's suppose to be good. i know kababawan lang for me to feel this way, but i guess im just being true to myself. so haters be gone!

Senior year came and of course no word from mike yet, baka nga na realize niya na nagkamali siya ng mga sinabi... maybe all along he thought he had that feeling but then realize that it was all for nothing.. so ako no choice but to move on. then one day as i was walking home from school, guess who was at my door?

"mike! anong ginagawa mo dito?" i asked.
"trix, we need to talk..." those four words hit hard, yun pa lang yung sinasabi niya my palms started getting clammy and i think my heart would leap out of my chest.
"ahh ok, lika pasok ka.." i invited him in.
as we walked in our house, i felt that it was really akward being near him, i just wished that the floor would swallow me whole 'coz i cant think of anything to say to him but i tried to act cool (as always) and have my game face on.. kinda like the look na, "ok so bring it on"
"so what brings you?"
"trix, hindi ko din kasi lam kung paano ko to sisimulan.. i dont even know if you'd actually believe me, pero kahit na hindi mo ko paniwalaan i just want you to hear me out, after nun then you can throw me out of your house more of you can throw me out of your life if you want, pero kelangan ko lang sabihin sa yo to before i lose it."

i was just staring at him and this time my game face was just gone, i knew then that my facial expressions would just tell him everything...

"ok , so what is it mike?" i asked nervously.
"here goes and all i want is for you to just listen ok..." he took a deep breath and continued "i know that even from the beginning you were there for me, ikaw yung nasa tabi ko nung nabalian ako, you were the one who made me do things that i didnt even know that im capable of doing, you've changed me into a whole different person.. dont take it the wrong way, those changes was for the better...kapag kasama kita you can bring out the best and worst in me, kaya kong maging yung totoong ako kapag andyan ka, yung hindi ko na kelangang mag pretend that im someone, heck i dont have to impress you at all! i realized i've been acting a jerk and literally been blind for the longest time about my feelings for you.. ngayong na realize ko na kung gaano ka kaimportante sa kin, i'd do anything to prove that to you, kahit na itaboy mo ko and kahit na pagtawanan mo ko, i'll stay here, i'll wait. whatever it takes... i dont want to lose the only person who actually listens. all im asking is just a chance yun lang..." then he breathed with a sigh and.. "there nasabi ko na."

funny thing was i was just sitting there staring at him, this time i was the one who was dumbfounded, wow! karma does happen fast huh.. ako naman yung walang masabi... ulitimately speechless. it was like one of those you-had-me-at-hello-jerry-mcguirre moments, that you just want to jump out of you seat and give him a huge hug and tell him the exact same thing. kaya lang speechless talaga ko eh.

"trix?... i think this is the time when you have to say something."
"umm...ahhh..ehhh.." then i just started crying right there infront him, parang hindi ko nalang alam yung sasabihin ko sa kanya, i guess i could call it tears of joy... i cant handle pretending anymore, hindi ko na din kayang itago yung feelings ko for him.. it was like one large thorn taken away from my chest as in isang malaking "haaaaaaayyyyyyy!"

All he did was hold me and i didnt have to say anything for us to understand each other we both knew. i guess you could call it a "kodak moment" for the first time i wasnt pretending, i dont even have a game face or a poker face on... i was just... happy! we both were...